Wednesday Humor 01.21.15

ex-husband

MY NANAY IS THE BEST TEACHER IN THE WORLD

Dahil tinuruan niya ako ng:

  • ANATOMY: “Mata ang ginagamit sa paghahanap. Hindi bibig.”
  • SANITATION: “Anong akala mo sakin, nagtatae ng pera?!
  • HISTORY: “Noong bata ako, piso lang ang baon ko. Maswerte ka pa nga.”
  • AGRICULTURE. “Kada butil ng palay na kinakain mo pinagtrabahuhan yan ng tatay mo. Ubusin mo yan!”
  • GENEROSITY: “Ibigay mo yan sa kapatid mo kundi malilintikan ka saken.”
  • INDEPENDENCE: ” Kung ayaw mo sumunod, bahala ka na sa buhay mo!”
  • ASTRONOMY: “Para kang nasa buwan kung maglakad. Bilisan mo!”
  • RELIGION: “Pag hindi mo inubos ang pagkain mo, paparusahan ka ni Lord.”
  • SARCASM: “Ano? Bakit di ka makasagot! bakit di ka masagot?” Tapos kapag sumagot ka, “At natututo ka ng sumagot ha?!”
  • MAGLAKWATSA: “Papunta ka pa lang pabalik na ako.”
  • ELECTRONICS: “You’re Grounded! Hindi ka aalis ng bahay.”
  • SELF ESTEEM: “Ayan Dyan ka magaling!”
  • LOGIC: “Pag di mo nakita, makikita mo!”
  • THEORY OF EVOLUTION: “Manang-mana ka sa tatay mong unggoy!”
  • SPORTS: “Tumakbo ka na. Pag naabutan kita, malilintikan ka!”
  • BASEBALL: “Ibabato ko sa yo tong hawak ko!”
  • HYPNOTISM. “Makuha ka sa isang tingin!”

 

BOY: “I like you.
GIRL: “Salamat sa like
BOY: “No. I really like you! I really really like you!”
GIRL: “Salamat sa FLOODLIKES.”

TANONG: Ano daw yung apelyido ni Zeus?
SAGOT: EH DI MARYOSEP.

TANONG: Sinong bayani ang nakahubad?
SAGOT: UN-DRESS Bonifacio

TANONG: Alam niyo bang kapag binaliktad niyo ang “SABAW”?
SAGOT: Matatapon ito.

MGA BAGAY NA IKINAIINIS MO:
1. Minor Subjects Na Feeling major
2. Ipis Na Ayaw Mamatay
3. Battery Low
4. Mag Syotang Naglalandian Sa Harap Mo
5. Tagged Photos Na Wala Ka Naman
6. Ref Na Tubig lang Ang Laman
7. Pinsan Na Sumbungero
8. Load Na Mahirap i-Unli
9. Classmate na Sipsip
10.Pasahero Na Ayaw Iabot Ang bayad Mo
11.Group Message Na Walang Kwenta
12.Chain Message Na Mamamatay Ka Daw Pag Di NaSend Sa 25 Tao

Showering Together:
GIRL: “Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)”
GUY: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*

ME: “Knock knock!”
FRIEND: “Who’s there?
ME: “PBB!”
FRIEND: “PBB who?”
ME: “Spaghetti PBB, PBB ng PBB.”

 

 

oOo

“Mahirap magpaalam sa mga taong mahalaga sa ‘yo, pero mas mahirap mag paalam…PAG BADTRIP NANAY MO.”

Life is short. Buy the shoes.

Last month bago nagsara ang 2014, namakyaw ako ng shoepatos. . . ng flat shoes o doll shoes.

Yes Virginia, ganyan kaming mayayaman – namamakyaw ng sapatos! Hahahaha!

Sa mga hindi nakaka-knows, ako ang babaeng hindi nabiyayaan ng normal o average size ng paa.  Nasa 4 or 4.5 lang ang size ng paa ko. :( Pambata.

Sa Converse sneakers naman, size 1 aketch. :( Ang size 1 na ‘to ay wala sa pang-adult kundi nasa kiddie section makikita. :(

Hirap ako maghanap ng shoe size ko kasi kadalasan ang smallest size na abelabol sa ladies footwear section ng mga department store ay size 5. Kung meron man abelabol ay tsambahan lang talaga. Kaya madalas talaga ay hanggang tingin lang ako sa magagandang sapatos. Lalo na yung may mga heels.

Tulo-laway at hanggang pasukat-sukat lang ako kunyari kahit alam ko naman na walang magkakasya sa akin. Hehe! Minsan nga dahil sa bitterness ko, pinagpaplanuhan ko tuloy na guluhin na lang ang mga naka-display na mga sapatos sa mall para maimbyerna ang mga tindera sa pag-aayos. Kumbaga, damay-damay na! Hahahaha! 

dollshoes

Balik tayo sa pangyayari last month. Habang nasa mall kami ni Doter ay may napansin kaming nakatambak na ON-SALE na mga flat shoes or doll shoes. Mga pang teens na shoes! At KASYA suckin! Lol! Na-eksayt ako.

dollshoes (2)

At tig-198.00 petot lang!

Fotah, P198..00 lang! Aba, PAKYAWIN na yan ‘kako! Joke! Hahaha!

dollshoes (3)

Ayun, umuwi akong may bitbit na pitong pares ng doll shoes. Ang saya ko. Para akong naka-ehem sa saya. Lol!

 

 

oOo

“Shoes matter. Just ask Cinderella.”

Shoe Selfie 2

Last year, January 15, 2014 to be exact, nag SHOE SELFIE ang Mamaru.

shoe selfie

Magwa-wan year na pala bukas ang red sneakers ko.

Esep-esep ko na parang napapanahon na ulit para mag SHOE SELFIE. Charot!

ShoeSelfie2015-001

Heniweys, to all bitches out there. . .REPEAT after ME, mga inday. “I DESERVE new sneakers.” Hehehe!

converse

 

 

oOo

“Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I’m living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you will see how strong I really am.”

Tuesday Humor 01.13.15

fishing

At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger. The passenger has had enough and asked the man why he is staring. The man replied, “If it wasn’t for the mustache, you would look just like my wife.”
The passenger said,  “I don’t have a moustache.”
“No, but my wife does,”
the man replies.

GUY1: “And you mean to say that you recognized me with my new grown beard and mustache, bandage over one eye and new clothes? What gave me away?”
GUY2: “You have my umbrella.”

Gandhi was bored in heaven & wanted to have a look at hell. So he peeps thru a hole & sees Hitler in d company of beautiful, voluptuous naked girls surrounded by vintage wine bottles. Gandhi was fuming mad & disappointed. He complains about d unfair treatment. God patiently replies, “Don’t be deceived, my son. All d bottles have holes, but d girls don’t.” That’s hell!

Don’t you just love it when you’re involved in an accident and someone asks, “Are you alright?”  “Yes, fine, thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Pete was dead and a friend called on his widow to express his sympathy.
“Pete and I were close friends,” he said. “Is there something I could have to remember him by?”
Shyly and tearfully, the widow whispered, “Would I do?”

A man was complaining of the extremely  cool air conditioner in his hotel room, “At night time, I wake up to hear my dentures chattering on the dressing table.”

The belligerent husband demanded, “I want to know once and for all who is the boss in this house.”
Rolling her sleeves, the wife replied, “You will be much happier if you don’t try to find out.”

I went to an ATM this morning and its screen came out with the words, “Insufficient Funds.”
I wonder whether it’s the Bank or me.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an airconditioned piggery, the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after the Batasang Pambansa.

Reklamo ng isang lalake tungkol sa girlfriend niya…
“Puntahan ko daw siya dahil miss na daw niya ako. Iyon pala, magpapabuhat lang pala sa baha.. Napagod nako, nangamoy isda pa ang batok ko!”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk!”

Latest Favorite

Andami-dami kong peborit na music vids.

Pero eto ang leytest.

Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud.

When your legs don’t work like they used to before
And I can’t sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks

And darling I will be loving you ’til we’re 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair’s all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don’t remember my name
When my hands don’t play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same

‘Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it’s evergreen
Baby your smile’s forever in my mind and memory

I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it’s all part of a plan
I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you’ll understand

But baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh

(Ah la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la)

So baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

Oh maybe we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are.

Ang lakas din mang-inggit ng da moves ng girl para sa isang katulad kong hindi marunong sumayaw. :(

oOo

“I’m a dreamer.”

Thursday Humor 01.08.15

lol

A guy told a psychiatrist, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or woman.”
The doctor replied, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
The guy said no, so the shrink said, “You’re a woman!”

BOY: “May kanta ako para sa inyo ng bagong BF mo!”
GIRL: “Wow! Ang sweet mo bestpren… Anong title?”
BOY:  “Ang title ay… “Mabuntis ka sana at masira buhay niyo pareho.””

  •  

MAN1: “My father always told me that it is better to give than to receive.”
MAN2: “Was he a philanthropist?”
MAN1: “No… he was a BOXER.”

SON:  “Daddy, what happens if a condom breaks?”
FATHER: “Look at yourself.”

  •  

Paalala sa Kababaihan:
Huwag niyong pakitaan ng motibo ang mga lalake kung ayaw niyong makatikim ng embutido. :p

You know when people always say, “He escaped alive?”
How can you escape when you’re dead?

Mag-shota nakahiga sa damuhan..
GIRL: “Ang Romantic kahit ang kati ng damo.”
BOY: “Pero…”
GIRL: “Pero ano?”
BOY: “… Mas makati ka pa sa damo.”

In a drug store, a pharmacist told a customer, “Sorry, ma’am, that is impossible. We sell potassium cyanide only with prescription. Just a photo of your husband is not enough!”

QUESTION: What’s the basic difference between the case of VP Binay & that of CPNP Purisima?
ANSWER: The former involves overpricing; the latter underpricing!

LOLA: “Apo, pwede bang makahingi ng pera? Naiinip na kasi ako dito sa bahay eh.”
APO: “Lola naman, pwede ba tigilan niyo na pag ma-mahjong niyo?”
LOLA: “Hindi naman ako magma-mahjong eh, bibili lang ako ng manok.”
APO: “Ano naman ang gagawin niyo sa manok?”
LOLA:” Maglakaro kami ni Lola Petra mo ng sabong, natalo kasi ako kahapon eh.”

  •  

A wife tells her husband while watching a teleserye, “Look how much he loves her…”
He replied, “Yes, but do you know how much he’s being paid for that?”

A lady calls a drug store, “Excuse me, do you have pregnancy tests?”
    “Yes, we do,” the owner replied.
    “Are the test questions difficult?”

A girl tells her boyfriend, “After our marriage, I will let you kiss me where nobody else has kissed me.”
    “Where is that?” her man asks.
   “In Hawaii.”

At an emergency room…
DOCTOR: “There is no doubt that you have been poisoned!”
PATIENT: “For goodness’ sake, with what, Doc?”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry, we’ll find that out during the autopsy…”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Pag singkit na maputi, CHINITO. Pag singkit na maitim, PRINITO.”