Monday Humor 08.25.14

I came

Define AGONY: It’s like a one armed man hanging at the edge of a cliff by his only arm with his butt devastatingly itchy.
Define DEATH: Kinamot niya!

“Nakakita ka lang ng mas makakapagpasaya sa ‘yo, kinalimutan mo na ako. Naaliw ka lang nang konti, hindi mo na ‘ko binalikan. Binigyan ka lang ng pet, farm at restaurant, akala mo kung sino ka na.” – FRIENDSTER

“Kung may HISTORY kayong dalawa… pwes, past na ‘yon! Dahil may CHEMISTRY na kami ngayon!” — banat ng mga MANG-AAGAW

Kahapon nasaktan ako nang makita ko siya, di na niya kasi ako nakilala. Pero nang tinignan ko siyang mabuti, narealize ko, di ko din pala siya kilala!

Kaya pala!

3 baliw sa mental nagkwekwentuhan:
BALIW1: “Ako presidente dito!”
BALIW2: “Wala ka sa ‘kin, ako si Presidente Obama, presidente ng America.”
BALIW1: “Sino nagsabi?”
BALIW2: “Ang Diyos.”
BALIW3: “At kailan kita sinabihan?”

BOY: “Pag tayo na, magkasama nating haharapin ang mga problema.”
GIRL: “Pero wala naman akong problema…”
BOY: “Kasi nga hindi pa tayo. Wag kang excited!”

BOY: “I love you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “I want you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “I miss you.”
GIRL: “Shut up!”
BOY: “Ang ganda mo…”
GIRL: “Really?”
BOY: “Shut up!”

What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One is a contract and the other is pay as you go. :D

Hassim, an Arab sat next to a Nun on the bus..
HASSIM: “Would u have sex with me?”
NUN: “No!” (she got off the bus..)
BUS DRIVER: “She prays every Tuesday night in the graveyard. Why don’t you dress up in a hooded robe, go to the graveyard, tell her you’re God and demand sex?”
Hasim tried this & to his suprise the Nun said, “Yes, but only if we have anal sex to keep my virginity.”
(When they are done..)
HASSIM: “Ha,ha! I’m the Arab in the bus!”
NUN: “Ha, ha! I’m the bus driver!”

Manny Pacquiao has revealed that Mommy Dionisia, 65, is in a relationship…
Thank you Mommy Dionisia for giving hope to loveless Filipinos!

Dear Crush,
Kung nakakabuntis lang ang nakaw na tingin, ang dami na siguro nating anak.

How do men sort their laundry?
“Dirty” and “Dirty but still wearable”

oOo

“Ang buhay parang rape lang iyan. Kung di mo kayang labanan. I-enjoy mo na lang.”

Egg Rolls and Hero

Kanina lang, nagbate ako ng itlog. :P

Egg Rolls (4)

Masarap sa almusal ang binateng itlog.

Egg Rolls (2)

…at gawing Egg Rolls.

Egg Rolls (3)

Kasamang sangkap sa binateng itlog, minced carrots, red bell pepper and onion leaves + seasoning.

Siempre, solb na solb ang kain ko. Feeling ko ang yaman-yaman ko, as usual. Hihihi!

Egg Rolls (5)

At habang nagbabate ako ng itlog kanina sa harap ng kalan, hinaharana ako ng kantang ‘to as my background music…

This is not a love song, but a song about growing up and taking on responsibilities. Nakakagana lang makinig.

Play it, beybi!

HERO (by Family of the Year)

“Your masquerade
I don’t wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else.”

– Me either, don’t want to conform to what others think I should. 

Have a good Friday, lovelies!

 

 oOo

“Growth is painful. Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

Wednesday Humor 08.20.14

"Free Cock!"

“Free Cock!”

Ang kaibigan, parang unan. Andiyan kapag kailangan.
Pwede mong iyakan. Pwede mong yakapin.
Kaya kapag kailangan mo ng kaibigan… bumili ka ng unan!

Kapag ika’y nasaktan, lumaban ka.
Kung ika’y nabigo, bumangon ka.
Kapag ika’y gumulong sa hagdan at nakatingin sa ‘yo lahat, huwag kang pahalata.
Tumayo ka at sabihin mo, “Pakialam n’yo?! Ganu’n ako bumaba, eh!

Ako ay may lobo. Lumipad sa langit. Di ko na makita. Pumutok na pala. Sayang ang pera ko. Pinambili ng lobo. Kung lalaki sana, naaliw pa ako.

May kasabihan tayo na ang taong maagang gumising, maraming gagawin.
Kaya para makaligtas sa mga gawain, magpatanghali ng gising!

“I tried my best to make it up to you. but you didn’t care. now that I’m gone, you want me to come back for you? you should’ve woke up earlier to see me.” – Magtataho.

“Hindi ko mawari kung saan eksakto. Pakiramdam ko, nasa gitna ako ng bangungot at delubyo. Kung sakaling makita mo ako na malapit sa ‘yo, tatawagin mo ba ako? Maglalaan ka ba ng pagod upang kausapin ako?” — Ang text back ng isang EMO sa text na, “Wer na u?”

What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student kapag nagkaron? Guess?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT: “Shit! Meron ako!”
COLLEGE STUDENT: “Yes! Meron ako!”

BINATA: “Miss, may payong ka ba d’yan?”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “Gamitin mo na!”
DALAGA: “Bakit nga?”
BINATA: “Inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan!”
DALAGA: “Marami bang court sa inyo?”
BINATA: “Bakit naman?”
DALAGA: “Tamang bola ka kasi!”

MELODY: “Hoy! Bakit ganyan ka makatingin sa boobs ko?”
ARMAN: “Bakit, masama ba? Eh meron akong mata!”
MELODY: “Puwes, etong sa ‘yo!” (sinampal si Arman)
ARMAN: “Bakit mo ako sinampal?”
MELODY: “Masama ba? Eh meron akong kamay!”

NOON: Babae lang ang nagpapaganda.
NGAYON: Ang mga bakla ay hindi na kailangang magpaganda.
NOON: Ang maton, puro lalaki.
NGAYON: Pati ang mga maton, babae.
NOON: Mahirap lang ang nakatsinelas.
NGAYON: Pati mayaman na. Ang mga mahihirap, nakayapak na.
NOON: Ang magtanim ay hindi biro.
NGAYON: Mahal na ang bigas, hindi na tayo makapagbiro.

oOo

“You may be sitting all alone today… but believe in the magic that someone is meant to sit beside you soon. Tapos…pag puno na…aalis na ang jeep.”

 

 

Morning Reading

Hindi lahat ng leksyon sa buhay ay natututunan sa loob ng klasroom.

Hindi lahat ng sikat at mga nagtagumpay sa buhay ay nakapag-aral.

 

My morning reading habang nagkakape + pandesal…

Pasintabi sa mga guro. :)

 

Tutoring Needed

Source: Dylan Morris, writer

Teach me teacher, I ask.
Teach me the ropes of knowledge that will lead me to success,
Teach me how to cope in the modern age and nothing less,
Teach me how to enjoy myself and to stay calm with what is happening,
Teach me teacher, teach me, because with this current education system I am not happy.

I have a few questions for you teacher I hope that could help me:
The first of which, is what will make me successful?
Is it through filling my head with facts to write down for a three hour exam?
Or is it through inspiring my mind where I believe that anything I want to achieve, I can?
Is it through accepting mediocrity because I’m not passionate about my school work?
Or through creative individuality because loving something I do is the best perk?

Sittin’ in class, watching that clock tick…
Because my current teacher is boring these students to bits.
As a teacher, I wouldn’t stop the kid from sketching on his page, from writing a poem,
From kicking a football, or discovering the unknown,
I try in every single test, just to find out that 100,000 kids got the same grade on the exam,
To turn on the T.V. and see people starving in Africa and nobody has brains to figure out the problems in Afghanistan.
Yet, we still learn to tackle problems like to solve for ‘X’.
How did we get so naive to believe that the bubble of knowledge in what’s presented in school is the only resources we have to success?

The answer is simple; we just have to look,
Because the only knowledge we have ever been taught is the ones that we have wrote learn from a book.
Now we need to change our ways before our generation gets old,
Someone help because school doesn’t prepare us for our biggest test of them all which is survival- which you’ll never be told.

Teach me teacher- teach me.
Teach me your ways, the exam says I need a tutor and to study for days.

So if I don’t follow what’s logical does that make it wrong, and if this poem was a song, do you think Steve Jobs would sing along? If experience teaches me I will listen,
Because I’m sick of being a slave to the education system.

So now I’ve come to the conclusion,
That higher education is just an illusion,
Because it comes at the expense of experience: the most brutal teacher that I’ll need to overcome,
So teach me teacher and I’ll apply that knowledge into wisdom.

Let’s teach our generation to pursue what they love and what makes them happy, to learn from experience, not from facts that our current teacher is teaching us.

“Education is when someone is willing to spend time learning about something- not because their teacher, parents, friends, or exam has made them- but simply because they enjoy what they’re doing”

— Dylan Morris

Aspire to inspire before we expire ❤

Tuesday Humor 08.19.14

"Taste it here!"

“Taste it here!”

MISIS: “Lalayas na ako.”
MISTER: “Ha?! Bakit?!”
MISIS: “Bakit ako lalayas?”
MISTER: “Hindi! Ang ibig kong sabihin, bakit ngayon ka lang lalayas?!”

BOY: “Janitress ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi, ah?! Teka… pick-up line ba ‘to? (kinilig)”
BOY: “Hindi! Mukha ka lang talagang janitress!”

TEBAN: “Nay, meron ba tayong ulam?”
NANAY: “Tingnan mo na lang sa ref, anak.”
TEBAN: “Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?”

Who said fill in the blank is easy?
Sige ikaw nga… try natin… Fill this blank with YES or NO..
“__________, I am not a normal person.”

In a field educational trip:
TEACHER: “Roberto, what do you call that? (pointing to a deer in the zoo)
ROBERTO: “Ewan ko po, maam.”
TEACHER: “What does your mom call your dad?”
ROBERTO: “Tarantado ba tawag diyan, maam?”

Nag-text si Rico sa ex-girlfriend niyang si Pilita…
RICO: “Pwede bang magbalikan tayo?”
PILITA: “Shut up!”
RICO: “Luv pa rin kita! Hindi ka mawala sa isip ko!”
PILITA: “Move on na! Naka-move on na ako!”
RICO: “Load-an kita!”
PILITA: “Joke! Love pa rin kita!”

Everyday, the ugly undergoes five stages of grieving in front of the mirror.
Stage #1: DENIAL. “Maganda ka, girl!”
Stage #2: ANGER. “Shit! Sawang-sawa na ‘ko sa mukhang ‘to! Sumpain ka, Shrek!”
Stage #3: BARGAINING. “Lord, puwede bang i-reincarnate mo na ako? Pagandahin mo na ‘ko. Kahit ako na ang pinaka-poor, mapasaakin lang ang mukha ni Cleopatra.”
Stage #4: DEPRESSION. “Hay, nanay ko! Saan mo ba ako ipinaglihi? Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!”
Stage #5: ACCEPTANCE. “Hay, naku! Love me for who I am!”

MISTER: “Hon, sino ‘yang tinitingnan mo?”
MISIS: “Ex ko ‘yan, hon! I heard, lasenggo na siya after our break-up five years ago.”
MISTER: “Grabe! Ang tagal ng celebration niya!”

DIEGO: “Alam mo, pare, pangarap ko ring magkaroon ng Jaguar tulad ng tatay ko.”
ARNEL: “May Jaguar ang tatay mo?”
DIEGO: “Wala. Pero pangarap din niya.”

Boy nahulog sa septic tank sumigaw: “SUNOG! SUNOG! SUNOG!”
Dumating ang bumbero, niligtas siya at tinanong, “Bakit sunog ang sinigaw mo?”
BOY: “Kung TAE ba, pupunta kayo? TAE! TAE! TAE! Ganun?”

oOo

“Matagal ko ng hinahanap ang TRUE LOVE. Nasa KUSINA lang pala!”

Taon 2008

Kahuhugot ko lang sa piktyur na ‘to mula sa lumang baul ko na may nakatatak na markang-bungo at “Taon 2008″.

“I’m only a girl in a silly red shirt. Digging for kryptonite on this one way street. Only a girl in a funny red shirt. Looking for special things inside of me. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to be me.” #MeGanun? #LumangLarawan #SupermanLyricsNaMalimali

Habang tinititigan ko ang piktyur kong ‘to noon, na-realize ko…ang laki na pala ng inasenso ng ganda ko ngayon. Mas virginal-looking akong di hamak sa ngayon. Charot!

 

oOo

“Love always sparks through the good times… and it’s up to you to make it last through the bed times. I mean, bad times pala! Sorry, slang eh!”

 

Monday Humor 08.18.14

"Amen!"

“Amen!”

Ang ina!” – Sabi ng ngongong bad trip.
As I turn around the wall, I see nothing but darkness… and everytime I turn back to see some light, I couldn’t find somebody, even just one person to touch… – Taya sa taguan, nag e-emote.
  •  

MUSIC LESSON:
BENHUR LUY: unang kumanta.
NAPOLES: napa-kanta.
DE LIMA: arranger ng kanta.
RUBY TUASON: sintunadong kanta.
BUTCH ABAD: pinagmulan ng kanta.
TITLE NG KANTA: Cuartanamera.
GENRE: Porksong.

When someone is murdered, the cops always investigate the spouse first.
That pretty much tells us everything we need to know about marriage.

Isang trak, nawalan ng kontrol, nahulog sa bangin, nabuhay ang driver.
MEDIA: “Nakainom ba kayo?”
DRIVER: “Oo naman! Ano palagay mo saken, STUNTMAN?”

INAY: “Sabi ng titser mo lagi ka daw late?”
JUAN: “Kasalanan po ng iskul!”
INAY: “Bakit?”
JUAN: “Lagi po nilang pinapatunog ang bell bago ako dumating!”

INAY: “Ano gusto mong kurso?”
JUAN: “POLITICAL SCIENCE po para linisin ang kalat sa lipunan!”
INAY: “Yung kalat mo sa bahay di mo malinis, sa lipunan pa?”
Habang nasa salamin si misis…
MRS:”Honey, ang tanda ko na, mataba, puro kulubot at pangit na!”
MR: “At least, malinaw pa ang mata mo!”
MRS: “Grr!”

GURO: “Class, bakit kapag nag-oopera ang mga doktor, nagsusuot sila ng gloves?”
JUAN: “Mam, para po pag namatay ang pasyente, walang fingerprints!”

GIRL: “Alam mo pag lumalapit ka sa kin, nagmumukha akong janitor!”
BOY:(mayabang) “Dahil mukha akong artistahin?”
GIRL:”Hindi, mukha kang dustpan!”

oOo

“Ang sermon ng nanay ko parang WIFI, abot hanggang kapitbahay.”

 

 

 

Monday Humor 08.11.14

eyes

LOLO (70 yrs old): “Gawin mong 30 yrs younger sa ‘kin ang misis ko!”
GENIE: “Masusunod! (POOF!)”
LOLO: “Ano nangyari?”
GENIE: “Ginawa kitang 100 yrs old!”

An old man asked the trainer in a gym, “I want to impress a beautiful young woman. What machine should I use?”
The trainer replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

JUAN: “Sori po, di ako makakabayad ng upa this month!”
LANDLORD: “Ano? Yan din ang sinabi mo last month!”
JUAN: “Ako po kasi ay taong may isang salita!”

Herman’s will was read: “To my beautiful wife, I leave my two homes and 5 million. To my son Esteban, I leave my business and 2 million. To my sweet daughter, Alicia. I leave my Rolls Royce and 2 million. To my brother-in-law, Simon, who said I’d never remember him in my will…”Hi Simon!”

JUAN: “Nay, pinauwi po ako ng maaga kasi ako lang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser!”
NANAY: “Wow, ano ba’ng tanong?”
JUAN: Sino nambato sa kin ng eraser?”

PATIENT: “Doctor, I heard 10% of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry, man, those 10% patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90% survivors.”

GURO: “Juan, pag may 100 candies ako at kinain ko ang 95, meron na lang akong…?”
JUAN: “Taglay na kadamutan at mamamatay sa diabetes.”

A professor asked his class to define “brain.” A student got up and said, “Brain is what a man looks for in a woman after he has looked at everything else.”

JUAN: “Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?”
NANAY: “Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!”

JUAN: “Mamang pulis, awatin nyo po ang itay ko!”
PULIS: “Sino ba dyan sa dalawang nag-aaway ang tatay mo?”
JUAN:”Yan nga po ang pinag-aawayan nila!”

JUAN: “Dok tulungan mo ko, ambilis kong maasar sa tao!”
DOKTOR: “Ok sabihin mo sa kin problema mo!”
JUAN:”Di ba kasasabi ko lang? Nakakaasar ka na!”

“JUAN:Dok baliw na ata ang mrs ko, 3 buwan nyang iniisip na sya’y manok!”
DOK:”Bakit ngayon mo lng dinala dito?”
JUAN:”Hinintay ko munang mangitlog!”

ITAY:”Bakit bagsak ka sa History?”
JUAN:”Tay ksalanan po ng titser!”
ITAY:”At bakit?”
JUAN:”Lahat po kasi ng tanong nya,nangyari bago ako pinanganak!”

 

oOo

” TO LIE is not A SIN. Because TO LIE is BRIDGE and A SIN is SALT.”

Miss Na Kita

Miss na miss ko na siya ng sobra.

Uo

Pero hindi man lang nagte-text ang kurimaw.  Hmmp!

417088_2588848850113_1521345785_31945095_1394259326_n

O kaya tumawag man lang. Hmmp ulit!

Nakaka-miss din ang may lalaki sa bahay. :(

t1

Uy, uwi ka rin paminsan-minsan, ha?

 

 

oOo

“A mother thinks about her children day and night, even if they are not with her and will love them in a way they will never understand.”

 

Wednesday Humor 08.06.14

walang kamay

NANAY: “Bakit ninyo gagawing muse ng school ang anak ko? Nakakahiya!”
TITSER: “Bakit naman kayo nahihiya? Kita niyo naman ang ganda-ganda ng anak niyo, kahawig ni Anne Curtis! Dapat maging proud kayo!”
NANAY: “Proud ka diyan! Lalaki ang anak ko! Lalaki!”

A man phoned his girlfriend and said, “I was thinking of dinner in my place at seven, babe.”
She replied, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.”
He said, “Please make it at five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”

Kapag babae ang nagsabing “Magbayo ako ng mani,” marunong magluto iyan.
Pero kapag ang lalake nagsabi niyan, kabastusan na agad. Unfair naman!

The first toilet bowl was invented by Thomas Crapper, but credit for inventing the toilet brush goes to his wife.
Having left a skidmark on her husband’s invention, she looked into the bowl and thought, “What I need is a long-handle brush to remove the stain.”
Mr. Crapper would have beaten her to the idea, but an hour earlier, he saw his own skidmark and thought, “I bet I could blast that off by pissing on it.”

DANIEL: “Pare! Kamusta iyong ka-date mo kagabi?”
JAY: “Eto, halos malapnos ang hot dog ko.”
JAY: “Hindi, no!”
DANIEL: “Eh bakit nalapnos ang hotdog mo?”
JAY: “Nilagyan kasi niya ng hot sauce bago kinain!”

A couple drove down a rural road, not talking to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither was willing to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” she replied, “in-laws!”

Kapag hinaplos ng babae ang lalake, malambing siya.
Pero kapag lalake ang humaplos sa babae, manyak na agad?! Bakit ganoon?

It was a couple’s 25th anniversary.
As the wife peeled her clothes away, she said, “Your dinner is served.”
“I’m not eating that,” the husband replied. “It looks and smells revolting.” She said, “Just taste it.”
“No,” he replied. “Put those panty back on.”

In a supermart, a man put his screaming baby on a cart. He kept repeating, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You’re to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Eksena sa ministop…
LALAKE: “Ano yang binibili mo?”
BABAE: (sabay nang-asar na tanong) “Modess, gusto mo?”
LALAKE: “Ayoko… di ako kumakain niyan… iyong lalagyan niyan ang kinakain ko.”

Raising one’s leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn’t like his wife’s tone of voice.

Sabi ni Eli Soriano…”DATING DAAN”.
Sabi ng I.N.C..”TAMANG DAAN”.
Sabi ni Pres.Noynoy “Tuwid na DAAN”
Si Napoles walang matanDAAN.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

 

oOo

“Life is short. Kaya ngumiti ka hangga’t may ngipin ka pa.”