Friday Humor 07.29.16

At the DOJ, someone yelled at Sec. De Lima:
“Hostess siya! Hostess siya!”
The house security collared the man when a third guy intervened, he explained,
“Brod pasensiyahan mo na siya, Bisaya kasi yan… Ang sinisigaw nya ay “HUSTISYA! HUSTISYA! “

Guy knocks at neighbor’s door. “Sorry, John,” he said, “I know you’re tired from work but I need help. I can’t get into my house as my door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.”
“Okay, what do you want me to do
?” the neighbor asked.
Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me,” was the reply.

“Your honor,” said a young man. “I’d like to get married please.”
“All right, what’s you age?”
“22, sir.”
“And the bride’s?”
“She’s 15 sir.”
“15? That’s too young and against the law!”
“I see,”
said the young man. “Could you explain that to the man next to her with a shotgun?”

GIRL: “Babe, where are you?”
GUY: “I’m waiting for the bus.”
GIRL: “Hurry up!”
GUY: “Alright, babe, I’ll just wait a bit faster.”

Every time a bird poos on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch…
Just to show them what I’m  capable of.

A cop pulls over a car, and he asked “Sir, do you know how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”
The offender replied, “I’ve had 8 martinis, officer.”
“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive…,” the cop said back.

When I see a woman driving a taxi, I smile and think how far our society have come in terms of gender equality…
And then I wait for the next cab.

Two old men were reading headstones a a cemetery.
MICK: “Paddy! There’s a bloke here who was 150!”
PADDY: “What’s his name?”
MICK: “Kilometers from Baguio!”

A man’s plaint:
“I hate the effects of middle age..
I kinda expected the beer belly, sagging skin and baldness..
But I thought it would happen to me, not my wife.”

I walked into a room full of women and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
That’s what happens when you go to piss and go to the wrong comfort room!

To all the women that wear a lot of make-up:
Take it easy, it is called a FACE…
Not a COLORING BOOK!

A wife asked her husband for a new phone, similar to blackberry or an iPhone…
In reply, he gave her a black-I.

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

oOo

“Keep calm, you’re not late. You’re just Filipino.”

Tuesday Humor 07.26.16

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PETER LIM: “Hindi ako drug lord!”
NBI: “Kay Pres. Du30 ka na magpaliwanag.”
PETER LIM: “Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!”
NBI: “Ayaw mo?! Choosy?!”
PETER LIM: “Hindi. Excited lang!”

LALAKi: “Hindi po ako pusher, sir!”
PULIS: “Sa presinto ka na lang magpaliwanag!”
LALAKI: “Puwede po bang kay Presidente Duterte na lang?”
PULIS: “Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!”

Du30: “Magkumpare pala tayo sa kasal?! Yawa!”
PETER LIM: “Yes, sir. May picture pa tayong dalawa.”
Du30: “Sa susunod, bago ka magpa-picture with me, pakilala ka muna! Yawa!”

Accused of being a drug protector, retired PNP general Vicente Loot has a networth of more than a hundred million pesos..
It didn’t help that his surname is Loot. 😀

Congressman Toby Tiangco filed House Bill 412: An Act providing for ‘No work, No pay’ policy for members of Congress. Sen. Manny Pacquiao was heard to said, “Inaano ko ba kayo?!”

“Para sa akin, yung bitay, mas ano pa. Kasi yung lethal injection, ano naman may rules din ba, or may batas din ang mga doctor na bawal din silang pumatay ng tao.” ~ Manny Pacquiao on the reimposition of death penalty
Ano daw?

NOON:
PULIS: “Alam namin nandiyan ka lang sa loob ng bahay! Bibigyan kita mg sampung minuto para sumuko nang di ka masaktan!”
SUSPEK: “Susuko na po ako!”
   
NGAYON:
PULIS: “Alam namin nandiyan ka lang sa loob ng bahay. Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto!”
SUSPEK: “Susuko na po! Susuko na!”
PULIS: “Tanga! Hindi kita pinasusuko! Gusto namin manlaban ka! Now na!”

When the doctor asked a lady patient she didn’t lose weight after her visit three months before, she explained, “My fridge magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen! That’s why I can’t lose weight.”

Paddy and Mick found three grenades so they took it to the police station..
MICK: “What it explodes before we get there?”
PADDY: “We’ll lie and say we found only two.”

MISTER: “Babe, ito yung mga babaeng nag-aaply na driver sa atin. Sino kukunin natin?”
MISIS: “Wala!”
MISTER: “Dahil ba babae sila, wala na silang karapatang mag-drive? Sexist ka naman masyado, babe! Mali yan! Dapat pantay-pantay ang opportunities ng babae at lalake!”
MISIS: “Wala naman tayong kotse!”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

oOo

“Wag kang titingin sa salamin. Matatawa ka lang.”

Sunday Humor 07.10.16

PASAHERO: “Manong, para po!”
DRIVER: “Sa tabi?”
PASAHERO: “Hindi sa gitna po para patay ako kaagad.”

A couple living in a condo unit in a 10th story building was having dinner.

The husband said, “Ang gagong janitor nagyayabang na lahat na babae sa building na ito ay nagamit niya, except one.”

The wife chuckled and said, “Hmmmmmmmmm, seguro si Ms Cruz, yong pangit na nakatira sa 8th floor ang hindi lang niya nagamit.”

A man and a midget were having a piss when the man noticed the midget winking at him like crazy. Disturbed, he asked, “Are you gay?” The midget replied, “No, but you’re splashing in my eyes!”

MAN:  “Is there any way for long life?”
DOCTOR: “Get married.”
MAN: “Will that help?”
DOCTOR: “No, but then the thought of having a long life will never come.”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say…
Talk in your sleep.

Bago umalis nang Malacañang si PNoy, nag-usap sila ni Du30.
DU30: “Totoo bang may multo rito?”
PNoy: “Naku, oo! Ang tanong: uubra ba sa multo ang Davao death squad mo eh dead na ang mga yun?”

JUAN: “Pare ano sa Tagalog ang ‘no way?’”
PEDRO: “Walang daan.”
JUAN: “Eh ano yung pH Care?”
PEDRO: “Kapag ang Pilipinas nangingialam.”

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1 : “Pre . anhirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!
LASING2 : “Di lang yan pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA:  “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga?”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

My neighbor to my mom: “Anong tawag sa kabayong nakatuhog?”
MOM: “Kabayong bbq?”
MY NEIGHBOR: “Hindi, carousel.”

BOY: “Miss, parang kang chicharon.”
GIRL: “Bakit, kasi ang sarap ko?”
BOY: “Hindi, kasi ang taba taba mo.”

On wedding night, man asks wife: “Akala ko ba first boyfriend mo ko? Bakit? hindi ka na virgin?”
WIFE: “Ikaw talaga ang first boyfriend ko. Yung iba, customers ko lang. Peks man!”

 

oOo
”If people are talking behind your back…Then, just Fart!”

Wednesday Humor 06.15.16

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. ..
If there is justice in the world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Martin Andanar, the incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief, says the Du30 administration may publish it’s own tabloid. They haven’t decided yet what to call the tabloid but Du30 is keen on calling it, “Balitang Ina Mo.”

A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a golf course in Florida, U. S. A. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for som. In the Pinas, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

Mayor Duterte promises a “metamorphosis” once he is sworn as President. Change will come he said… He’ll lessen his ‘putang inas’ to 10 per week from the usual 50.

Pres. Rodrigo Duterte appoints Mar Roxas road czar 2 build tuwid na mga daan, Jejomar Binay baker czar 2 make cakes, Grace Poe director of heart center & Antonio Trillanes host 2 a talk show 24/7 para daldal ng daldal ng lumawit ang dila. Let us welcome d new cabinet members!

President-elect Rody should force Congress to go on minimum wage..
That way, Pinoys can feel comfortable calling them public servants.

People says President-elect Rody uses ‘cuss words.’ Rody vehemently disagreed and allegedly said, “They are sentence enhancers.”

Judging by the way some women wear make-up, it’s rather obvious that they did not excel at coloring when they were children.

I don’t think it’s cute when I see names carved into trees…
I think it strange how many people take knives on dates.

Perks of being 60 years and above…
Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run – anywhere.
People call at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you up?”

BOSS: “If you can’t show up here sober then don’t bother coming to work tomorrow!”
EMPLOYEE: “Wow! Three day weekend!”

POLICEMAN: “Do you speak English?”
JUAN: “Yes.”
POLICEMAN: “Where are you from?”
JUAN: “Yes.”

DOCTOR: “Your liver is the only organ that regenerates itself…”
ERAP: “I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!”

Little Boy1: “Are you related to anyone famous?”
Little Boy2: “I don’t want to brag, but I heard Dad calling God his father.”

HUSBAND: “Call an ambulance fast! I am having heart attack…”
WIFE: (took his mobile) “Quick! Give me the password!”
HUSBAND: “It’s okay! I’m feeling better now!”

“Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye.” A man’s side at every phone conversation with his wife.

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Remove toxic people from your life. Free yourself.”

Recipe: Banana Walnut Muffins

Just finished baking.

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Banana Walnut Muffins

Serves: 12 muffins

Ingredients

  • 1½ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 3 large bananas, mashed
  • ¾ cup white sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • ⅓ cup butter, melted
  • 1/2 cup walnuts

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Coat muffin pans with non-stick spray, or use paper liners.
  3. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
  4. Combine bananas, sugar, egg, vanilla and melted butter in a large bowl. Fold in flour mixture, walnuts and mix until dry ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix. Scoop about ¼ cup of batter each muffin tin.
  5. Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes. Muffins will spring back when lightly tapped.

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oOo

“There’s no use stressing over something in the past, because there’s nothing you can do to change it. Just move on, life goes on.”