Thursday Humor 07.31.14

whoa

Edited out daw sa SONA ni P-Noy ang mga linyang ito…
“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, ideneklara ng Korte
Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF na illegal. Ang hindi
papalakpak, guilty!”

TEACHER: “Bakit late ka?”
JUAN: “Late po kasi relo ko”.
TEACHER: “Eh di i-advance mo.”
*Umalis si Juan*
TEACHER: “San punta?”
JUAN: “Uwian na po dito!”

PAG MAY BISITA SA BAHAY:
NORMAL PEOPLE: “Wow! What a beautiful house!”
BARKADA: “May WiFi kayo? Ano password?”

A woman at the self-service checkout counter left her purse.
The male cashier called her back. “Excuse me,” he said.
“Would you like to got out for dinner tonight? My treat.”

TEACHER: “Who can solve this problem? 3×5- 4×9/10 x6=?
CLASS: (walang imik lahat)
TEACHER: “Juan go to the board and solve the problem.”
JUAN: (tumayo at pumunta sa unahan. Kinuha ang eraser at binura lahat.) “Yan ma’am! Problem solved!”

Several women appeared in court each accusing the other of causing trouble in the condo they lived in. They were arguing noisily inside the courtroom when the judge banged his gavel and said, “We’re going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to you all at once. I’ll heart the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony!

Sa klase…
TEACHER: “There are three kinds of verb. What are they, Juan?!”
JUAN: “No, mam! There are FOUR!”
TEACHER: “Oh really? What are they?”
JUAN: “Linking verb, Helping verb, Action verb, and…
ANGRY VERB!”

A negro attended a late night party w/o wearing any clothes.
The host thought he was in a black suit and told him, “Your suit is very nice but the tie is in the wrong place.”

Rules Sa Pangongopya
1. Iwasang makipagtalo sa mga matatalino.Tandaan mo, kumakapit ka lang sa kanila!
2. Huwag magdadalawang-isip sa kinopya. Time is gold
3. Seryoso ang mukha kapag nangongopya para kunwari, may alam ka!
4.Iwasang igalaw ang ulo kapag nangongopya. Baka mahalata ka!
5.Lakihan ang sulat. May nangongopya rin sa likod mo. Share your blessings!

Types of MAG-SYOTA:
Pagpangit ang lalaki at maganda ang babae, tawag dyan ay DISKARTE.
At pag babae naman ang pangit,gwapo ang lalaki tawag dyan ay GINAYUMA.
At pag pareho silang magandang mukha tawag dyan ay TINADHANA.
At pag ang syota ay parehong pangit yan ang tinatawag na SUMPA.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“TURN ON: Yung lalaking kayang gumawa ng LOOM BAND gamit ang goma ng gulong.”

Wednesday Humor 07.30.14

coke float

NANAY: “Tigilan mo yang pagbo-boyfriend mo! Walang mangyayari sa inyo!”
ANAK: “Weh! Bat kagabi meron!”

Ang mag syotang sabay nag leave sa trabaho, malamang live-in ang plano.

A lawyer consulted her doctor.
“Which side is it best to lie on?” he asked.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.

KANO: (Trying to speak tagalog) “Megkanow isang kelow menggow?”
PINOY: “One way!”
KANO : “Megkanow?”
PINOY: “I said One way!”
KANO: “Ano Eybig Sabeyhin One way?”
PINOY: “ISANG DAAN!”

A young pregnant woman had given birth in the elevator of a hospital. She was so embarrassed that she cried. A nurse said, “Don’t feel bad. Two years ago, another woman delivered in the lawn of the hospital.” The woman burst out crying and said, “I know… that was me too!”

TITSER: “Ano ang pambansang ibon?”
STUDENT: “Chicken?”
TITSER: “Hindi kulay brown ito.”
STUDENT: “Fried chicken.”
TITSER: “Hindi mas maliit ito sa chicken.”
STUDENT: “AH, Knorr chicken cubes.”

NOON: Kapag birthday mo, madaming regalo.
NGAYON: Kapag birthday mo, madaming notification.

Two friends robbed a truck load of lumber. One’s conscience started bothering him so he went to a confession. The priest asked what his sin was. He said that he and a friend robbed a truck load of lumber. The priest said it was a big sin and asked if he know how to make a “novena.” “No,” replied the penitent, “but if you got the plans… I GOT THE LUMBER.”

Ang tunay na estudyante inuulit ang sinasabi ng teacher.
TEACHER: “Class? get 1/4 sheet of paper.”
STUDENTS: “1/4 ma’am?”

A spinster of 92 agreed to live in a nursing home but on a 2-week trial basis, so she took a small overnight case with the bare essentials.
A week later, her niece got a phone call from her asking for more clothes. “Please bring me that black silk, my lavender print…” and she went on and on.
After one question from her niece, the old lady expostulated, “There are MEN in his place!”

BOY: “Minsan, umakyat ako sa bubong. Tapos nadulas ako at nahulog sa lupa. At dun na nagsimula ang salitang..”HULOG NG LANGIT”
GIRL: “Ang tanga naman ng langit.. NAGHULOG NG PANGIT!”

Sa AMERICA, kapag nawalan ng kuryente, tumatawag sa POWER COMPANY. Sa JAPAN naman, tine-test ang FUSE.
Sa PILIPINAS, TSINE-CHECK KUNG MERON ANG KAPITBAHAY.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Right person, wrong time. Right time, wrong person. New person, old lies. Old person, new lies.”

Tuesday Humor 07.29.14

nqgbabate

DAD: “Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?”
ANAK: “Yes, Daddy.”
DADDY: “Maka-Diyos?”
ANAK: “Sobra Dad.”
DADDY: “Nasaan siya?”
ANAK: “Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!”

A Passionate Drinker:
“I trust my scotch whiskey more than a woman, because it damages my kidneys not my heart.”

INA: “Anak, may kasama daw si bagyong Pedring na hurricane at tsunami na kayang palubugin ang Pilipinas. Alam mo ba kung anu ang ibig sabihin nun?”
JUAN: “Wala pong pasok bukas?? Yehey!”

PATIENT: “Doctor, I heard 10% of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.”
DICTOR: “Don’t worry, man, those 10% patients operated by me are already dead.  Now it’s the turn of the 90% survivors.

BATA: “Ale, may skats tape kayong tigpi-piso?”
ALE: “Meron.”
BATA: “Magkano po?”

A professor asked his class to define “brain.” A student got up and said, “Brain is what a man looks for in a woman after he has looked at everything else.”

TEACHER: “Class, draw a fish!”
CLASS: “Yes ma`am!”
TEACHER: “Pedro, why is your drawing very dirty?”
PEDRO: “Ma`am, bagoong po yan.”

A heavily indebted man while poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted, “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?” 
“That is your first worry,” he replied.

PEDRO: “Ano tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada?”
JUAN: (nag-iisip) “Hindi ko alam e, ano ba?”
PEDRO: “E di Uod pa din, nasa gitna lang naman ng kalsada
eh!”

A man consults a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, I’m
suicidal. What should I do?”
The shrink replies, “Please pay in advance.”

“Knock knock?”
“Who’s there?”
“Roar!”
“Roar Who?”
“Roar roar roar your boat ..”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

   “Ang LOVE ay parang BREAKING NEWS. Hindi inaasahan.”

Sunday Humor 07.27.14

free wife

JUAN: “Antapang ng lolo ko, pinutulan nya ng BUNTOT yung leon!”
PEDRO: “Wow! Bakit hindi pa yung ULO ang pinutol nya?”
JUAN: “May nauna na kasi eh!”

PARENTS to their KIDS.
Pag sa LOVELIFE: “ANG BATA BATA MO PA!”
Pag sa GAWAING BAHAY: “ANG TANDA TANDA MO NA!”

KAPAG MALAYO: Ang ganda!
KAPAG LUMAPIT: Layo ulit tayo!

KAWATAN1:”Pare, andyan na ang mga pulis! Talon na sa bintana!”
KAWATAN2:”Pero nasa 13TH FLOOR tayo!”
KAWATAN1:”Puro ka PAMAHIIN! Talon na, bilis!”

Text message ng naitalang pinakamabilis mag-text habang nagmamaneho:
“OMG! Babangga ako sa truck!”

Lalaki, nahulog mula 30th flr, himalang nkaligtas! Dumating ang rescue,
isinakay sya sa stretcher. Sabi nya, “Dahan-dahan, baka mahulog ako!”

JUAN:”Nay ung kalaro ko po 1-3 ang nabibilang, ako po 1-10, at A-E ang nababasa, ako po A-Z! Genius po ba ko?”
INAY:”Hindi anak, 30 anyos ka na!”

AMO:”Wow! In 1 yr, naging clerk, supervisor, manager and vice pres ka! Pagretire ko ikaw ang papalit! Ano say mo?”
VP:”Tnx!”
AMO:”Yun lang?”
VP:”Tnx Dad!”

JUAN:”Yung crush ko, mala-UBAS ang mata, mala-PEACH ang balat, mala-APPLE ang pisngi, at mala-CHERRY ang labi!”
PEDRO:”Di ba sya FRUIT SALAD?”

JUAN: “Tandaan mo, kapag wala kang pera, isipin mo lang ako!”
MAX: “Papautangin mo ako?”
JUAN: “Hindi, wala din akong pera. At least mako-comfort ka!”

JUAN: “Waiter, bakit hawak mo ng kamay ang inorder kong steak?”
WAITER: “Sir,mas mainam na pong hawakan ko ng kamay kaysa MAHULOG ULIT sa sahig?”

AMO:”Inday, natanggal mo ba yung bubble gum sa paborito kong sapatos?”
INDAY:”Yis ser!”
AMO:”Yes! anong pinangtanggal mo?”
INDAY:”Palakol po!”

BOSS: “Ayon sa resume mo, wala kang work experience. Bakit anlaki ng hnihingi mong sweldo?”
JUAN: “E mahirap po magtrabaho na di alam ang gagawin.”

NANAY:”Anong sabi ng pusa?”
ANAK:”Meow!”
NANAY:”Very good! Anong sabi ng baboy?”
ANAK:”Oink!”
NANAY:”Very good! Anong sabi ng unggoy?”
ANAK:”Very good!”

MAX:”Magaling ang aso ko, kinukuha nya ang dyaryo sa pinto at dinadala sa akin.”
JUAN:”Alam ko!”
MAX:”Paano mo nalaman?”
JUAN:”Chinika ng aso ko!”

JUAN:”Yung bahay ng lolo ko, bubong pa lang, P200 milyon na!”
PEDRO: “Wow! siguro sa MAKATI nakatira lolo mo! JUAN:Hindi, sa ilalim ng FLYOVER!!”

 

 

oOo

“Ang babaeng balbon ay mahilig sa ibon.”

Saturday Humor 07.26.14

jollibee lasing

MATH CLASS.
TITSER: “Kung meron akong 5 mansanas sa kaliwang kamay at 5 sa kanan,
anong meron ako?”
JUAN: “Mam, mga kamay po ng HIGANTE? Cool!”

Sobrang lakas ng ulan at hangin, hindi magkarinigan ang magkakaibigan.
MARIA:”Ang lakas ng hangin”!
PEDRO:”Hindi, Sabado ngayon!”
JUAN:”Ako din!”

MRS:”Bakit kulang ang pinabili ko sa anak kong 2 kilong ubas? Ipa-check nyo ang timbangan nyo!”
TINDERA:”Ipa-check nyo po ang timbang ng anak nyo!”

MRS:”Pagod na ko sa KASESELOS mo! Akala mo di ko alam na pinasusundan mo ko sa detective na matangkad, pogi, mahiyain pero masayang kausap?”
MR:??

PULIS:”Kung nawalan ka ng preno, bakit lalo mong binilisan ang takbo?”
DRIVER:”Syempre po para makarating agad ng bahay. E kung maaksidente ako?”

MARE1:”Matagal ng nambababae si pare mo, kaya nabawasan ako ng 10 KILOS.”
MARE2:”Ba’t di mo hiwalayan?”
MARE1:”Tsaka na, 20 KILOS kc ang GOAL ko!”

CUSTOMER:”Waiter, bakit may patay na langaw dito sa soup ko??”
WAITER: “Eh ganun po talaga sir, hindi po sila nakakatagal sa mainit na tubig!”

MR:”Baka nakakalimutan mo, kung di sa pera ko, wala ang bahay at kotse na ito dito.”
MRS: “Baka nakakalimutan mo, kung di sa pera mo, wala ako dito?”

Pinakamadaling paraan ng VEGETARIAN DIET:
1. Ipakain ang gulay sa baboy.
2. Katayin ang baboy at iluto.
3. Ulamin ang baboy.

MR:”Ang babae daw ay nagsasabi ng 30000 words kada araw, ang lalaki ay
15000 lang!”
MRS:”Lahat kasi, kailangang ulitin sa lalaki!”
MR:”Ang alin?”

JUAN:”Sir, heto po ang biodata ko, baka may OPENING po kayo na angkop sa
akin!”
MANAGER:(binasa) “Meron!”
JUAN:”Ano po yun?”
MANAGER:”Yung PINTUAN!”

NANAY: “Anak, tingnan mo itong piniprito ko kung masusunog!”
JUAN: “Opo nay!”
(After 30 minutes)
NANAY: “Ok na ba?”
JUAN: “Opo nay, sunog na sunog na!”

 

oOo

“REALationship- totoo kayo sa isa’t isa.
RelationSHRIMP- syota mo hipon.
RelationSHIT- naglolokohan lang kayo.”

Friday Humor 07.25.14

selfie

GURO: “Class, anong ZODIAC SIGN natapat ang inyong kapanganakan?”
JUAN: “Mam, sabi po ng inay ko, sa tapat daw ng NO PARKING SIGN ako pinanganak!”

NEWS: Isang 2-SEATER plane ang bumagsak sa sementeryo. Mahigit sa 500
bangkay ang narecover ng pulisya at patuloy ang ginagawang paghuhukay.

PEDRO: “Pare, bilhin ko na kambing mo, 700.”
JUAN: “Ang barat mo naman.”
PEDRO: “Sige, 800.
JUAN: “Ayoko pa rin.”
PEDRO: “Kalahating-libo.”
JUAN: “Sige.”

Experts are 99.9% sure that the Malaysian Jet liner MH370 indeed is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. But nobody is able to get there to confirm. Experts are likewise convinced that only the Philippines can be of help. The Malaysian gov’t has made a formal request to Malacañang for help. Malacañang is now in serious negotiation w/ ABS-CBN for DYESEBEL to get to the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

PEDRO:”Pare, bakit iniinit mo yang kutsilyo?”
JUAN:”Magpapakamatay ako!”
PEDRO:”Eh bakit iniinit mo pa?”
JUAN:”Eh kung maimpeksyon ako! Wais to!”

In his homily, a bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. It was later reported that he’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Lim Napoles.

JUAN:”Nay, tinuruan po kami ni Maam magsulat kanina!”
NANAY: “Wow, anong ipinasulat sa inyo?”
JUAN: “Ewan ko po, di pa naman kami tinuruan magbasa!”

TATAY:”Bakit bagsak ka sa exam?”
JUAN:”Dahil po sa ABSENCES tay!”
TATAY:”Araw-araw ka naman pumapasok!”
JUAN:”Absent po ung katabi ko.”

Nagbabasa si Juan ng Bible ng may nahulog na dahon na nakaipit.
JUAN:”Nay, tingnan nyo po tong nakuha ko!”
INAY:”Ano yun?”
JUAN:”Damit po ni Adan!”

oOo

“Sa PAGIBIG walang BULAG, PIPI at BINGI. MALIBOG madami.”

 

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