Sunday Humor 07.10.16

PASAHERO: “Manong, para po!”
DRIVER: “Sa tabi?”
PASAHERO: “Hindi sa gitna po para patay ako kaagad.”

A couple living in a condo unit in a 10th story building was having dinner.

The husband said, “Ang gagong janitor nagyayabang na lahat na babae sa building na ito ay nagamit niya, except one.”

The wife chuckled and said, “Hmmmmmmmmm, seguro si Ms Cruz, yong pangit na nakatira sa 8th floor ang hindi lang niya nagamit.”

A man and a midget were having a piss when the man noticed the midget winking at him like crazy. Disturbed, he asked, “Are you gay?” The midget replied, “No, but you’re splashing in my eyes!”

MAN:  “Is there any way for long life?”
DOCTOR: “Get married.”
MAN: “Will that help?”
DOCTOR: “No, but then the thought of having a long life will never come.”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say…
Talk in your sleep.

Bago umalis nang Malacañang si PNoy, nag-usap sila ni Du30.
DU30: “Totoo bang may multo rito?”
PNoy: “Naku, oo! Ang tanong: uubra ba sa multo ang Davao death squad mo eh dead na ang mga yun?”

JUAN: “Pare ano sa Tagalog ang ‘no way?’”
PEDRO: “Walang daan.”
JUAN: “Eh ano yung pH Care?”
PEDRO: “Kapag ang Pilipinas nangingialam.”

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1 : “Pre . anhirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!
LASING2 : “Di lang yan pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA:  “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga?”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

My neighbor to my mom: “Anong tawag sa kabayong nakatuhog?”
MOM: “Kabayong bbq?”
MY NEIGHBOR: “Hindi, carousel.”

BOY: “Miss, parang kang chicharon.”
GIRL: “Bakit, kasi ang sarap ko?”
BOY: “Hindi, kasi ang taba taba mo.”

On wedding night, man asks wife: “Akala ko ba first boyfriend mo ko? Bakit? hindi ka na virgin?”
WIFE: “Ikaw talaga ang first boyfriend ko. Yung iba, customers ko lang. Peks man!”

 

oOo
”If people are talking behind your back…Then, just Fart!”

Wednesday Humor 06.15.16

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. ..
If there is justice in the world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Martin Andanar, the incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief, says the Du30 administration may publish it’s own tabloid. They haven’t decided yet what to call the tabloid but Du30 is keen on calling it, “Balitang Ina Mo.”

A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a golf course in Florida, U. S. A. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for som. In the Pinas, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

Mayor Duterte promises a “metamorphosis” once he is sworn as President. Change will come he said… He’ll lessen his ‘putang inas’ to 10 per week from the usual 50.

Pres. Rodrigo Duterte appoints Mar Roxas road czar 2 build tuwid na mga daan, Jejomar Binay baker czar 2 make cakes, Grace Poe director of heart center & Antonio Trillanes host 2 a talk show 24/7 para daldal ng daldal ng lumawit ang dila. Let us welcome d new cabinet members!

President-elect Rody should force Congress to go on minimum wage..
That way, Pinoys can feel comfortable calling them public servants.

People says President-elect Rody uses ‘cuss words.’ Rody vehemently disagreed and allegedly said, “They are sentence enhancers.”

Judging by the way some women wear make-up, it’s rather obvious that they did not excel at coloring when they were children.

I don’t think it’s cute when I see names carved into trees…
I think it strange how many people take knives on dates.

Perks of being 60 years and above…
Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run – anywhere.
People call at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you up?”

BOSS: “If you can’t show up here sober then don’t bother coming to work tomorrow!”
EMPLOYEE: “Wow! Three day weekend!”

POLICEMAN: “Do you speak English?”
JUAN: “Yes.”
POLICEMAN: “Where are you from?”
JUAN: “Yes.”

DOCTOR: “Your liver is the only organ that regenerates itself…”
ERAP: “I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!”

Little Boy1: “Are you related to anyone famous?”
Little Boy2: “I don’t want to brag, but I heard Dad calling God his father.”

HUSBAND: “Call an ambulance fast! I am having heart attack…”
WIFE: (took his mobile) “Quick! Give me the password!”
HUSBAND: “It’s okay! I’m feeling better now!”

“Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye.” A man’s side at every phone conversation with his wife.

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Remove toxic people from your life. Free yourself.”

Recipe: Banana Walnut Muffins

Just finished baking.

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Banana Walnut Muffins

Serves: 12 muffins

Ingredients

  • 1½ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 3 large bananas, mashed
  • ¾ cup white sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • ⅓ cup butter, melted
  • 1/2 cup walnuts

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Coat muffin pans with non-stick spray, or use paper liners.
  3. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
  4. Combine bananas, sugar, egg, vanilla and melted butter in a large bowl. Fold in flour mixture, walnuts and mix until dry ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix. Scoop about ¼ cup of batter each muffin tin.
  5. Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes. Muffins will spring back when lightly tapped.

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oOo

“There’s no use stressing over something in the past, because there’s nothing you can do to change it. Just move on, life goes on.”

Tuesday Humor 05.31.16

Excerpts from alleged interview with Du30…
QUESTION: “Nakakailang ‘putang ina’ po kayo sa loob ng isang linggo?”
ANSWER:” Pag nanood ako ng news tapos nakita ko ang CBCP, “p…i…” Pag nakita ko si De Lima, “p…i..” Pag natrapik ako, “p…i…” Pag nakarinig ako ng balita sa druga, “p…i..” More or less, mga 15 na “p…i..” weekly!”

Mayor Rody Duterte is the country’s oldest and the first septuagenarian president. In contrast, P-Noy is the youngest president to be elected who looks like a septuagenarian!

Former justice secretary Leila de Lima has been elected senator of the country. The feisty lawyer got 14.14 million non-Iglesia Ni Cristo votes. Congrats!

Senator-elect Manny Pacquiao supports the restoration of the death penalty because ‘It’s biblical.” As a supporter of the anti-RH law, Mr. Pacquiao is the first Pinoy lawmaker in history to be pro-life and pro-death at the same time!

Pinoys have elected the country’s first transgender lawmaker. One would like to believe Pinoy voters have matured…
Just don’t mention anything about Senator-elect Manny Pacquiao!

Starfruit Season Quote:
”My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my pocket begins.”

GIRL1: “Wow, ang cute naman ng baby mo!”
GIRL2: “Thanks, sis! Ikaw kelan mo balak mag baby?”
GIRL1: “Pagsawa na akong lumunok!”

It’s ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represents freedom…
until they are flashing behind your back! 🙂

QUESTION: How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?
ANSWER: When your wife’s clothes fit her.

A guy in a bar stood up and said, “All politicians are a$$holes!” Another man stood up and says, “Hey… I resent that!”
The first guy asked, “Why? Are you a politico?”
“No,”
was the swift reply, “I’m an a$$hole!”

GUY1: “I’m STARVING.”
GUY2: “Let’s just fall in love. Di ba sabi ng Eagles, “Love will keep us alive.”
GUY1: … 
GUY2: “Sige, pa-deliver na lang!

Dear Men:
When a woman says she doesn’t want to talk about it, you’d better shut up, then grab a chair and get ready to listen for… hours.

It’s quite difficult to understand life insurance…
Why would a guy want to give his wife and family financial incentive to kill him?

Current Relationship Status:
Made dinner for two. Ate them both.

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

 

oOo

“Ang pagkakaroon ng CRUSH ay parang muta, malapit ka na nga hindi ka pa makita.”

Corned Tuna Omelet

Ang cookin’ ni ina nyo for today ay…

Corned Tuna Omelet

  • 3 eggs
  • 1 small tin corned tuna
  • salt and pepper
  • onion leaves (optional)

Brekpas por wan lang ‘to. Plate Oo, kaya ko ubusin itey ng mag-isa.

corned tuna omelette (1)

corned tuna omelette (2)

corned tuna omelette (3)

corned tuna omelette (4)

corned tuna omelette (5)

 

 

oOo

“Living in favorable and unfavorable conditions is called part of living. But smiling in all those situations, is called the art of living!”