Sabi nga ng lolo kong si Paulo Coelho, “kung may itinanim, ay may aanihin.”
Charot lang! Wa ko talaga knows sino ang orig na may sabi nyan. Basta ang alam ko ay ganado akong magtanim ngayon dito sa farmville ko. 😝
At the DOJ, someone yelled at Sec. De Lima:
“Hostess siya! Hostess siya!”
The house security collared the man when a third guy intervened, he explained,
“Brod pasensiyahan mo na siya, Bisaya kasi yan… Ang sinisigaw nya ay “HUSTISYA! HUSTISYA! “
Guy knocks at neighbor’s door. “Sorry, John,” he said, “I know you’re tired from work but I need help. I can’t get into my house as my door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.”
“Okay, what do you want me to do?” the neighbor asked.
“Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me,” was the reply.
“Your honor,” said a young man. “I’d like to get married please.”
“All right, what’s you age?”
“And the bride’s?”
“She’s 15 sir.”
“15? That’s too young and against the law!”
“I see,” said the young man. “Could you explain that to the man next to her with a shotgun?”
GIRL: “Babe, where are you?”
GUY: “I’m waiting for the bus.”
GIRL: “Hurry up!”
GUY: “Alright, babe, I’ll just wait a bit faster.”
Every time a bird poos on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch…
Just to show them what I’m capable of.
A cop pulls over a car, and he asked “Sir, do you know how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”
The offender replied, “I’ve had 8 martinis, officer.”
“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive…,” the cop said back.
When I see a woman driving a taxi, I smile and think how far our society have come in terms of gender equality…
And then I wait for the next cab.
Two old men were reading headstones a a cemetery.
MICK: “Paddy! There’s a bloke here who was 150!”
PADDY: “What’s his name?”
MICK: “Kilometers from Baguio!”
A man’s plaint:
“I hate the effects of middle age..
I kinda expected the beer belly, sagging skin and baldness..
But I thought it would happen to me, not my wife.”
I walked into a room full of women and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
That’s what happens when you go to piss and go to the wrong comfort room!
To all the women that wear a lot of make-up:
Take it easy, it is called a FACE…
Not a COLORING BOOK!
A wife asked her husband for a new phone, similar to blackberry or an iPhone…
In reply, he gave her a black-I.
**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike.
“Keep calm, you’re not late. You’re just Filipino.”
PETER LIM: “Hindi ako drug lord!”
NBI: “Kay Pres. Du30 ka na magpaliwanag.”
PETER LIM: “Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!”
NBI: “Ayaw mo?! Choosy?!”
PETER LIM: “Hindi. Excited lang!”
LALAKi: “Hindi po ako pusher, sir!”
PULIS: “Sa presinto ka na lang magpaliwanag!”
LALAKI: “Puwede po bang kay Presidente Duterte na lang?”
PULIS: “Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!”
Du30: “Magkumpare pala tayo sa kasal?! Yawa!”
PETER LIM: “Yes, sir. May picture pa tayong dalawa.”
Du30: “Sa susunod, bago ka magpa-picture with me, pakilala ka muna! Yawa!”
Accused of being a drug protector, retired PNP general Vicente Loot has a networth of more than a hundred million pesos..
It didn’t help that his surname is Loot. 😀
Congressman Toby Tiangco filed House Bill 412: An Act providing for ‘No work, No pay’ policy for members of Congress. Sen. Manny Pacquiao was heard to said, “Inaano ko ba kayo?!”
“Para sa akin, yung bitay, mas ano pa. Kasi yung lethal injection, ano naman may rules din ba, or may batas din ang mga doctor na bawal din silang pumatay ng tao.” ~ Manny Pacquiao on the reimposition of death penalty
PULIS: “Alam namin nandiyan ka lang sa loob ng bahay! Bibigyan kita mg sampung minuto para sumuko nang di ka masaktan!”
SUSPEK: “Susuko na po ako!”
PULIS: “Alam namin nandiyan ka lang sa loob ng bahay. Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto!”
SUSPEK: “Susuko na po! Susuko na!”
PULIS: “Tanga! Hindi kita pinasusuko! Gusto namin manlaban ka! Now na!”
When the doctor asked a lady patient she didn’t lose weight after her visit three months before, she explained, “My fridge magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen! That’s why I can’t lose weight.”
Paddy and Mick found three grenades so they took it to the police station..
MICK: “What it explodes before we get there?”
PADDY: “We’ll lie and say we found only two.”
MISTER: “Babe, ito yung mga babaeng nag-aaply na driver sa atin. Sino kukunin natin?”
MISTER: “Dahil ba babae sila, wala na silang karapatang mag-drive? Sexist ka naman masyado, babe! Mali yan! Dapat pantay-pantay ang opportunities ng babae at lalake!”
MISIS: “Wala naman tayong kotse!”
**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of Mike.
“Wag kang titingin sa salamin. Matatawa ka lang.”
PASAHERO: “Manong, para po!”
DRIVER: “Sa tabi?”
PASAHERO: “Hindi sa gitna po para patay ako kaagad.”
A couple living in a condo unit in a 10th story building was having dinner.
The husband said, “Ang gagong janitor nagyayabang na lahat na babae sa building na ito ay nagamit niya, except one.”
The wife chuckled and said, “Hmmmmmmmmm, seguro si Ms Cruz, yong pangit na nakatira sa 8th floor ang hindi lang niya nagamit.”
A man and a midget were having a piss when the man noticed the midget winking at him like crazy. Disturbed, he asked, “Are you gay?” The midget replied, “No, but you’re splashing in my eyes!”
MAN: “Is there any way for long life?”
DOCTOR: “Get married.”
MAN: “Will that help?”
DOCTOR: “No, but then the thought of having a long life will never come.”
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say…
Talk in your sleep.
Bago umalis nang Malacañang si PNoy, nag-usap sila ni Du30.
DU30: “Totoo bang may multo rito?”
PNoy: “Naku, oo! Ang tanong: uubra ba sa multo ang Davao death squad mo eh dead na ang mga yun?”
JUAN: “Pare ano sa Tagalog ang ‘no way?’”
PEDRO: “Walang daan.”
JUAN: “Eh ano yung pH Care?”
PEDRO: “Kapag ang Pilipinas nangingialam.”
Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1 : “Pre . anhirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!
LASING2 : “Di lang yan pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!
May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga?”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”
My neighbor to my mom: “Anong tawag sa kabayong nakatuhog?”
MOM: “Kabayong bbq?”
MY NEIGHBOR: “Hindi, carousel.”
BOY: “Miss, parang kang chicharon.”
GIRL: “Bakit, kasi ang sarap ko?”
BOY: “Hindi, kasi ang taba taba mo.”
On wedding night, man asks wife: “Akala ko ba first boyfriend mo ko? Bakit? hindi ka na virgin?”
WIFE: “Ikaw talaga ang first boyfriend ko. Yung iba, customers ko lang. Peks man!”
”If people are talking behind your back…Then, just Fart!”