Thursday Humor 03.26.15

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Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle of Manila urges Catholics to wear “Huwag Kang Magnakaw” shirt this Holy Week. Some politicians took offense and vowed to wear “Huwag Kayong Tumanggap Ng Donation Mula Sa Amin” shirts.

At an airline ticket office:
MAn: “I would like a round trip ticket please.”
CLERK: “Where to, sir?”
GUY: “Back here, of course, I said round trip. “

Alam mo iyong tatanungin ka ng bisita niyo, “May CR kayo?”
Ang pinakamagandang sagot, “Wala, dumudumi lang kami sa damuhan!”

A balut vendor was dying in the hospital surrounded by his son, daughter, wife and nurse.
BALUT VENDOR: “To you my son, I leave the houses in Antipolo.  To you my daughter, I leave the apartments in QC. To you my beloved wife, I leave all the condos in Quezon city.”
NURSE: “Wow, I am impressed. You are all  so lucky to inherit so much!”
WIFE: “Manahimik ka. Rota niya sa pagtitinda ng balut ang mga lugar na yan. Diyan kami maglalako.”

SOLDIER1: “What made you go into the army?”
SOLDIER2: “I had no wife and I love war. What about you?”
SOLDIER1: “Well, I had a wife and love peace.”

BANAT:
Gusto din namin ang bituin…
Iyong bituin your legs!

A guy told a friend, “My wife drives me to drink.”
The friend remarks, “You’re certainly lucky! I have to walk!

Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” asks one.
No,” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages!”

KASABIHAN:
Bago kayo mag 70, kailangan niyo munang mag-69.

What animal can you compare with your penis?
JAPANESE: “Lion ‘coz its strong!” 
AMERICAN: “Giraffe ‘coz its long!”
GERMAN: “Elephant ‘coz its so big!”
PIN0Y: “Rat ..’coz it goes from hole to hole!”

BLOW…
minsan bubbles,
minsan job.

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng blooming, inlove. Yung iba sa wakas naka MOVE-ON na.”

Songs I Can’t Get Out of My Head

Kung sino man ang naka-imbento ng earphones…Arigato!

Dahil sa earphones, ako lang at walang ibang nakakaalam na tatatlo lang na kanta at paulit-ulit na naka-play sa selpon ko. Pag naka-earphones, walang ibang nakakarinig, walang ibang nabu-bwiset sa akin at walang ibang napu-purhiwesyo na tao kundi ako lang.

Mga ilang weeks na rin at eto lang talaga ang pinapakinggan kong mga kanta.

Feel ko nga eh niluluga na ang mga tenga ko sa pakikinig. Hahaha! Kever!

Wala akong kasawa-sawa. Maraming beses sa isang buong araw na ninanamnam ko talaga pati mga lyrics ng mga nasa playlist ko. Bilibit or not, while the music plays…para na rin akong aka Lipovitan o naka-Cobra. Para akong inlab sa mood ko,  inspired gumalaw-galaw at magtrabaho ng buong araw.

1. Teardrops In The Rain by CNBlue ( CNBlue, the  only South Korean rock band that I like.)

2. Hero by Family of the Year – Soundtrack of award-winning movie, Boyhood.

3. Eternal Love by Michael Learns To Rock – OST of South Korean drama Healer that ended last January 2015Jusko, ang tagal ko nakapag getober sa K-drama na ‘to na para sa akin ay mas maganda kesa City Hunter ni Lee Min Ho.  Nag fangirling talaga ako sa bida dito na si Ji Chang Wook. Nakaka-inlab! Kaya mega-follow ko talaga siya sa Instagram. Hahaha!  Pag pini-play ko nga ang song na ‘to…ewan ko ba, nag iiba ang mood ko. Parang ang sarap magmahal ulit. Haha! Lutang na lutang lang naman ang feeling ko na para bang dinuduyan ako ng mga kerubin sa langit. Charot!

 oOo

“Take a sad song and make it better.”

Bombil

Kodak-kodak din pag may time.

Subject: Bougainvillea - jusko, nag-Google pa ako sa tamang spelling ng bulaklak na ‘to. Lech!

Bombil ang tawag namin dito noong bata pa ako.

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Hindi maitatago ng mga flowers sa kodak na nasa South America ako ngayon.

Joke! Nasa Pinas lang ako. Haha! Native plants daw kasi ang Bougainvillea sa South America.

Gusto ko sana magkodak ng Cherry Blossom…kaso next time na lang – pag nakapagtanim na ako ng Cherry Blossom sa bakuran ko. Lol.

Bougainvillea lang muna, eto lang meron ako dito sa amin. :D

image

Ang aliwalas ulit ng weder ngayon.

Halatang tapos na ang “winter” season ng Pinas. Kaya tinago ko na ang mga winter clothes ko, kasi  it’s “spring” time na! Charot!

Mga ilang araw pa…eh “summer” na, mga ateng! Aktwali ramdam ko na alinsangan ng panahon. Ambilis talaga ng mga araw.

Sa sobrang bilis, eh baka magulat na lang tayo isang araw, deds na pala tayo. Hahaha!

Nway, it’s Friday finally! Smile!

 oOo

“Ahhhhhh! It’s weekend!”

Thursday Humor 03.12.15

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GIRL1: “Mamatay na sana lahat ng pangit.”
GIRL2: “Mami-miss kita.”

A boss rang an employee after he was late for work.
BOSS: “Where are you?”
EMPLOYEE: “I’m out to buy a wristwatch.”
BOSS: “Do you know what time it is?”
EMPLOYEE: “I haven’t bought it yet!”

Sen. Nancy Binay met French Pres. Francois Hollande.
HOLLANDE: “Bonsoir Madame!”
NANCY: “Panganay Monsieur!”
HOLLANDE: “Nagva-vaque ca va ng caque?”
NANCY: “Oui, nagbi-bake ako ng cake for senior citizens!”

Candy
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy kita iiwan, candy kita pababayaan.

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician were discussing which among their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said, “Eve was created from Adam’s rib, a surgical procedure.”
The engineer replied, “before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job.”
The politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

BOY: “Hindi ata magiging tayo.”
GIRL: “Bakit?”
BOY: “Kuya mo kasi e.”
GIRL: “Gusto ka kaya ni kuya.”
BOY: “Yun na nga eh. Gusto ko rin siya.”

A couple went out for an anniversary dinner.
WIFE: “Did you just pick your nose and wipe it under the table?”
HUSBAND: “How did you know?”
WIFE: “This is a glass table!”

INTERVIEWER: “What can you contribute to this company?”
APPLICANT: “Kung alam ko lang na may ambagan sana nakapagdala ako ng pansit.”

I was browsing on my laptop looking for porn when an advisory popped out, “Chrome cannot open this page.”

They must have been stuck together.

Umorder si Juan ng Pizza
CLERK: “Ilang slices po ang gagawin namin sa pizza niyo, 6 or 8?”
JUAN: “6 lang. Baka hindi ko maubos ang 8.”

 

oOo

“Sa salamin ka maniwala, wag sa nanay mo.”

Thursday Humor 03.05.15

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BOY: *tinakpan ang mata ni girl*
GIRL: “Huy! Ano to?”
BOY: “Pinapakita ko lang sayo future natin.”
GIRL: *kinilig* “Pero wala naman akong makita eh.”
BOY: “Exactly!”

Yung tumatawag sa’yong prinsesa NOON…
…prinsesa narin NGAYON.

The most frequent sexual position I have with the wife is the number 10.
I just lie there next to the round woman!

Nagtext si Boyfriend sa number ni Girlfriend…
BF: “Babe, PANTY ka ba?”
GF: “Bakit?”
BF: “Kasi kaw lang ang nagpa-PANTY-bok ng puso ko.”
GF: “Kaw, PANTY ka ba?”
BF: “Bakit babe?”
GF: “Mahal kasi ang PANTY-uition. Aral ka muna ha! Tatay niya to! Mag break na kayo!”

A guy got an e-mail from a “bored housewife, 32, looking for some action!”
Our guy sent her his ironings to keep her busy.

GF: “Bili mo nga ako ng napkin.”
BF: “Wow huh.. Kung makapag-utos ka kala mo nanay kita..”
GF: “Ikaw nga kung makadede ka kala mo anak kita..”
BF: “Akin na nga yung pera.. Anong klaseng napkin bah? Whisper?”

Only in the Philippines do we chain 20-peso writing pens to bank counters but leave our almost a million peso cars out on the sidewalk.

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TIKOY
BOY: “Tikoy ka ba?”
GIRL:”Baket?”
BOY: “Hmnn, wag na nga.”
GIRL:”Baket nga?”
BOY:”Wala yon.”
GIRL: “Baket nga? Eto naman..”
BOY:”Wala nga tangina! Tikoy ka ba ha?! Tikoy ka bang gago ka?! Nagpi-feeling tikoy amputa.”

If your wife catches you looking at another woman, tell her, “I’m glad you don’t dress like that!”

LIGO
Minsan Sardinas..
Minsan kailangan mo :D

PARAPHRASE
Maligo ka na nga! PARAPHRASE ka!

 

oOo

“Kapag ang tanga natuto, nagreview ‘yan.”

Tuesday Humor 03.03.15

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ANAK: “Pa, Ma, pwede na ba akong mag boyfriend?”
PAPA and MAMA: “Hindi pa! Ang bata bata mo pa boyfriend na agad iniisip mo?! Hindi pwede!”
*Biglang nagbrownout*
ANAK: “Ma, pa, samahan nyo naman ako sa kusina may kukunin lang ako natatakot kase ko eh madilim.”
PAPA at MAMA: “Ano? Ang tanda tanda mo na takot ka parin sa dilim!”

At a Sunday school class, the teacher asked a child, “do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?”
The child answered, “No ma’am, my mom’s a good cook!”

NOON: Pag tulog ka, di ka uutusan, bubuhatin ka pa sa kama.
NGAYON: Kahit puyat na puyat ka, gigisingin ka, may hampas pang kasama.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So I tried the same thing in a Chinese resto.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” but instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

WIKIPEDIA: “Alam ko ang lahat.”
GOOGLE: “Nasa akin ang lahat.”
FACEBOOK: “Kilala ko ang lahat.”
YOUTUBE: “Tutorial.”
INTERNET: “Kung wala ako, wala din kayo.”
PC/LAPTOP: “Ows, di nga sure kayo?” KURYENTE: “Wow, mahiya naman kayo!”

A banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened its door to go out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. A police officer saw the incident and said, “You businessmen are so involved in your possessions, you didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off as well.”

The banker stared at where his arm was and exclaimed, “Oh no! My new Rolex is gone too!”

TANONG: Sino mas YOUNG?
— Megan Young?
— Lauren Young?
— Slater YOUNG?
Mali!
SAGOT: Eh di si Efren Bata!

Ang utot parang Frozen
Pag nasa school:
“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.”
Pag nasa bahay:
“Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore.”

“I stand behind every car I sell,” a previously owned sales representative said. “I help push it,” he continued.

“PUKI”
“Partidong Umaakibat sa mga Kalalakihang Inaapi”

A guy looking out of his house’s window saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who fell off his motorbike. He rushed over and shouted, “Out of the way!”

“Are you a doctor?” a bystander asked.

“No,” the houseowner said, “He’s delivering my pizza.”

PROFILE PICTURE: Diwata.
PERSONAL: Di ata.

 

oOo

“Kung ililipat lahat ng magaganda at gwapo sa ibang planeta, isa lang ang masasabi ko “NAKA-IMPAKE NA PO AKO””

Monday Humor 03.02.15

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TEACHER: “Bakit late ka, Juan?”
JUAN: “Late po kasi relo ko.”
TEACHER: “E di i-advance mo!”
*Umalis si Juan*
TEACHER: “San ka pupunta Juan!?”
JUAN: “Ma’am, Uwian na po!”

Pickuplines
BOY: “Alam mo para kang floor wax.”
GIRL: “Bakit naman?”
BOY: “Kasi mahal Kita eh. Ops, sorry nadulas ako.”

One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Tom, came across from the other side of the building to ours. To start a conversation, another colleague, Maria, asked, “Is it raining heavily outside?” Without expression, Tom said, “Sorry I did not carry a weighing scale.”

TANONG: Ano daw yung apelyido ni Wendy?
SAGOT: Eh di RECTION. Wendy Rection

A cop called his precinct.
“Hello, 6th precinct?”
“Yes.”
“This is James. I have a case. A woman shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she just mopped clean.”
“Did you arrest her?”
“No… The floor is still wet.”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai.

MCDO: “Balita ko bakla ka daw?”
JOLLIBEE: “Ulol! E sino kaya sa atin naka make-up?”

TEACHER: “Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on baseball.”
JOHN: “Here’s my paper.”
TEACHER: “John, you only spent a minute writing your essay. Let’s hear what you wrote.”
JOHN: “Game called off on account of rain.”

THROAT
Yan yung pag gusto mong sabihin sa ‘yo ang totoo. “Tell me the throat.”

SIBAK
minsan kahoy,
minsan trabaho,
minsan pepe :p

 

oOo

“Be fearless! Fart as loud as your anus will allow!”

Sunday Humor 03.01.15

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MAMA: “Bakit ka nagdadrama mag-isa?”
ANAK: “Bakit Ma, kailangan ba by group?”

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PATIENT: “Doc takot po ako sa bunot”
DENTIST: “Eto gamot pampatapang ng loob”
PATIENT: (ininom ang gamot)
DENTIST: “Ano matapang ka na ba?”
PATIENT: “Oo doc! Puta, pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!”

  •  

TATAY: “Anak, Kumusta grades mo?”
ANAK: “Gustong gusto ko po yung mga subject ko, Tay. Kukunin ko nga po ulit yung iba next sem.”

A guy walked out of a club with a woman. She slipped her hands inside his pants, squeezed his cock and said, “yours or mine?”
He replied, “That’s mine!”

Si Juan at Si Dugyot nag-away.
JUAN: “Hoy Dugyot! Isa kang Polyethene! Kalimutan mo na pagkakaibigan natin!”
DUGYOT: “Anong sabi mo?! Spell mo nga!”
JUAN: “P-O-L-Y-E.. putek! Basta isa kang Plastik! Tarando ka papahirapan mo pa ko! Sipain kita dyan eh!”

ELEMENTARY: Baby bra
HIGH SCHOOL: Baby bra
COLLEGE: Baby bra.
Uy! Kita mo nga naman may forever pala!

BOY: “Babe ayoko na!! Hirap na hirap na kong intindihin ka! Hirap na hirap na ko!”
GIRL: “Bh4bve anu bhang kaxzsalan4n kquo? Pleaxzs w4g mouh akquo iiw4n! ! Ickao lhuarn sxzaphat nha. Labvcksz xue!!”

Manny Pacquiao will slug it out with undefeated American Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in Las Vegas on May 2. Mayweather will be Pacman’s toughest opponent yet since Kim Henares.

TINDERA: “Sir, bili na po kayo ng kurtina.”
JUAN: “Ale, pabili nga ako ng isa, para sa compyuter ko.”
TINDERA: “Sir, bakit po para sa compyuter niyo?”
JUAN: “Ang computer ko kasi may windows eh.”

Day off
BOY1: “Nice pre! Sexy oh!”
BOY2: “Saan?”
BOY1: “Ayun oh!”
BOY2: “Wow! Sexy nga ah. *pag harap* Ay!! day off yan, pre eh!”

 

oOo
‘Wag mong habulin yung taong walang pake sayo. Hindi ka aso. Hipon ka!”

Ang Handa

Bertdey ko ngayon.

Pero wala pong koneksyon ang bertdey ko sa pagbisita ngayon ni French President Hollande sa Pinas.

Lilinawin ko lang, hindi po ang bertdey ko ang dahilan ng pagpunta niya dito. Hihihi!

Madami ang nagtatanong…ano ba raw ang handa ko.

 

Eto yun.

Handa na ba kayo?

Instant noodles.

Pampahaba ng layp!

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Wala akong wish sa bertdey ko.

Nagpapasalamat lang ako kay Bathala dahil kahit papano ay hindi pa ako deds. Lol!

Tsaka, sa harap ng mainit-init na noodles na ‘to, ang tanging masasabi ko lang para sa sarili ko ay —- BON APPETIT!

oOo

“KEEP CALM it’s my BIRTHDAY!”