Tuesday Humor 03.03.15

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ANAK: “Pa, Ma, pwede na ba akong mag boyfriend?”
PAPA and MAMA: “Hindi pa! Ang bata bata mo pa boyfriend na agad iniisip mo?! Hindi pwede!”
*Biglang nagbrownout*
ANAK: “Ma, pa, samahan nyo naman ako sa kusina may kukunin lang ako natatakot kase ko eh madilim.”
PAPA at MAMA: “Ano? Ang tanda tanda mo na takot ka parin sa dilim!”

At a Sunday school class, the teacher asked a child, “do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?”
The child answered, “No ma’am, my mom’s a good cook!”

NOON: Pag tulog ka, di ka uutusan, bubuhatin ka pa sa kama.
NGAYON: Kahit puyat na puyat ka, gigisingin ka, may hampas pang kasama.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So I tried the same thing in a Chinese resto.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” but instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

WIKIPEDIA: “Alam ko ang lahat.”
GOOGLE: “Nasa akin ang lahat.”
FACEBOOK: “Kilala ko ang lahat.”
YOUTUBE: “Tutorial.”
INTERNET: “Kung wala ako, wala din kayo.”
PC/LAPTOP: “Ows, di nga sure kayo?” KURYENTE: “Wow, mahiya naman kayo!”

A banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened its door to go out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. A police officer saw the incident and said, “You businessmen are so involved in your possessions, you didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off as well.”

The banker stared at where his arm was and exclaimed, “Oh no! My new Rolex is gone too!”

TANONG: Sino mas YOUNG?
— Megan Young?
— Lauren Young?
— Slater YOUNG?
Mali!
SAGOT: Eh di si Efren Bata!

Ang utot parang Frozen
Pag nasa school:
“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.”
Pag nasa bahay:
“Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold it back anymore.”

“I stand behind every car I sell,” a previously owned sales representative said. “I help push it,” he continued.

“PUKI”
“Partidong Umaakibat sa mga Kalalakihang Inaapi”

A guy looking out of his house’s window saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who fell off his motorbike. He rushed over and shouted, “Out of the way!”

“Are you a doctor?” a bystander asked.

“No,” the houseowner said, “He’s delivering my pizza.”

PROFILE PICTURE: Diwata.
PERSONAL: Di ata.

 

oOo

“Kung ililipat lahat ng magaganda at gwapo sa ibang planeta, isa lang ang masasabi ko “NAKA-IMPAKE NA PO AKO””

Monday Humor 03.02.15

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TEACHER: “Bakit late ka, Juan?”
JUAN: “Late po kasi relo ko.”
TEACHER: “E di i-advance mo!”
*Umalis si Juan*
TEACHER: “San ka pupunta Juan!?”
JUAN: “Ma’am, Uwian na po!”

Pickuplines
BOY: “Alam mo para kang floor wax.”
GIRL: “Bakit naman?”
BOY: “Kasi mahal Kita eh. Ops, sorry nadulas ako.”

One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Tom, came across from the other side of the building to ours. To start a conversation, another colleague, Maria, asked, “Is it raining heavily outside?” Without expression, Tom said, “Sorry I did not carry a weighing scale.”

TANONG: Ano daw yung apelyido ni Wendy?
SAGOT: Eh di RECTION. Wendy Rection

A cop called his precinct.
“Hello, 6th precinct?”
“Yes.”
“This is James. I have a case. A woman shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she just mopped clean.”
“Did you arrest her?”
“No… The floor is still wet.”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai.

MCDO: “Balita ko bakla ka daw?”
JOLLIBEE: “Ulol! E sino kaya sa atin naka make-up?”

TEACHER: “Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on baseball.”
JOHN: “Here’s my paper.”
TEACHER: “John, you only spent a minute writing your essay. Let’s hear what you wrote.”
JOHN: “Game called off on account of rain.”

THROAT
Yan yung pag gusto mong sabihin sa ‘yo ang totoo. “Tell me the throat.”

SIBAK
minsan kahoy,
minsan trabaho,
minsan pepe :p

 

oOo

“Be fearless! Fart as loud as your anus will allow!”

Sunday Humor 03.01.15

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MAMA: “Bakit ka nagdadrama mag-isa?”
ANAK: “Bakit Ma, kailangan ba by group?”

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PATIENT: “Doc takot po ako sa bunot”
DENTIST: “Eto gamot pampatapang ng loob”
PATIENT: (ininom ang gamot)
DENTIST: “Ano matapang ka na ba?”
PATIENT: “Oo doc! Puta, pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!”

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TATAY: “Anak, Kumusta grades mo?”
ANAK: “Gustong gusto ko po yung mga subject ko, Tay. Kukunin ko nga po ulit yung iba next sem.”

A guy walked out of a club with a woman. She slipped her hands inside his pants, squeezed his cock and said, “yours or mine?”
He replied, “That’s mine!”

Si Juan at Si Dugyot nag-away.
JUAN: “Hoy Dugyot! Isa kang Polyethene! Kalimutan mo na pagkakaibigan natin!”
DUGYOT: “Anong sabi mo?! Spell mo nga!”
JUAN: “P-O-L-Y-E.. putek! Basta isa kang Plastik! Tarando ka papahirapan mo pa ko! Sipain kita dyan eh!”

ELEMENTARY: Baby bra
HIGH SCHOOL: Baby bra
COLLEGE: Baby bra.
Uy! Kita mo nga naman may forever pala!

BOY: “Babe ayoko na!! Hirap na hirap na kong intindihin ka! Hirap na hirap na ko!”
GIRL: “Bh4bve anu bhang kaxzsalan4n kquo? Pleaxzs w4g mouh akquo iiw4n! ! Ickao lhuarn sxzaphat nha. Labvcksz xue!!”

Manny Pacquiao will slug it out with undefeated American Floyd Mayweather, Jr. in Las Vegas on May 2. Mayweather will be Pacman’s toughest opponent yet since Kim Henares.

TINDERA: “Sir, bili na po kayo ng kurtina.”
JUAN: “Ale, pabili nga ako ng isa, para sa compyuter ko.”
TINDERA: “Sir, bakit po para sa compyuter niyo?”
JUAN: “Ang computer ko kasi may windows eh.”

Day off
BOY1: “Nice pre! Sexy oh!”
BOY2: “Saan?”
BOY1: “Ayun oh!”
BOY2: “Wow! Sexy nga ah. *pag harap* Ay!! day off yan, pre eh!”

 

oOo
‘Wag mong habulin yung taong walang pake sayo. Hindi ka aso. Hipon ka!”

Ang Handa

Bertdey ko ngayon.

Pero wala pong koneksyon ang bertdey ko sa pagbisita ngayon ni French President Hollande sa Pinas.

Lilinawin ko lang, hindi po ang bertdey ko ang dahilan ng pagpunta niya dito. Hihihi!

Madami ang nagtatanong…ano ba raw ang handa ko.

 

Eto yun.

Handa na ba kayo?

Instant noodles.

Pampahaba ng layp!

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Wala akong wish sa bertdey ko.

Nagpapasalamat lang ako kay Bathala dahil kahit papano ay hindi pa ako deds. Lol!

Tsaka, sa harap ng mainit-init na noodles na ‘to, ang tanging masasabi ko lang para sa sarili ko ay —- BON APPETIT!

oOo

“KEEP CALM it’s my BIRTHDAY!”

Thursday Humor 02.26.15

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PEDRO: “‘Tol, kamusta”
UAN: “Ok lang.”
PEDRO: “Oo nga pala, iyong utang mo, nakalimutan mo na ba?”
JUAN: “Hindi pa naman, bigyan mo pa ako ng time, makakalimot din ako.”

TEACHER: “Good morning, class! Today, we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word ‘cancer’?”
STUDENT: “I CAN, SIR!!!”

Ang “ngiti” ng babae ay parang gulong ng buhay..
Minsan nasa itaas,
minsan nasa ibaba.

Sabi ng iba, “Mas importante ang performance kesa size.”
Mga hija, ang performance, natutunan. Ang size, hindi.

When his teenage son borrowed P500, a father said, “Son, don’t you realize that there are more important things in life than money?”
“Yes, dad,”
the youth replied, “I do. But you need money to take them to the movies.”

QUESTION: What’s the best way to cure erectile dysfunction?
ANSWER: Get yourself a hotter girlfriend.

At the Binay’s house..
ELENITA: “Jojo, wake up! You are screaming and sweating. What’s wrong?”
JOJO: “I was campaigning in Maguindanao. It was hazy but people were telling me the election was over and that my opponent won!”
ELENITA: “Why? What did they exactly say?
JOJO: “They kept shouting “Mar-wan! Mar-wan! Mar-wan!”

GIRL: “Magbalikan na tayo.”
BOY: “3 words, 11 letters. Sabihin mo tayo na ulit.”
GIRL: “Horny ako now.”
BOY: “Okay bati na tayo miss you.”

A Saudi Arab sent a text…
“Happy Valentine’s Day!”
Recipient was a group called “WIVES.”

They say sex can be a spiritual exercise.
For husbands, it’s praying they won’t get caught!

Lady standing in the middle of a busy street asked a traffic policeman, “Officer, can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”
“Just stand where you are!
” was the reply.

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ang forever ay parang Feb 30. Kasi, walang Feb 30 kaya WALANG FOREVER.”

Thursday Humor 01.29.15

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GURO: “Why are you absent?”
JUAN: “Mam,may CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE po ako!”
GURO: “Sige i-spell mo ang sakit mo!”
JUAN: “Joke lang po,UBO lang po tlaga!”

Sa Jollibee…
BUSINESSMAN: “Excuse me, may wi-fi ba kayo dito?”
PNOY: “Naku sir ala po! But you can try our apple-fi or mango-fi sir!”

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Sa harap ng Statue of Liberty…
ITALIAN: Magnifico!
BRITISH: Brilliant!
AMERICAN: Amazing!
PINOY: Picture! Picture! Pang-Facebook!

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats!” But none of them come and touch the man’s dick and say, “Well done!”
MORAL: Hard work is never appreciated. Only result matters.

A guy broke up with his girlfriend and was upset. His friend said, “Don’t worry mate, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” The guy replied, “Yeah, but it’s not just the smell I missed.”

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Nuong nagkita si Bong Revilla at Dr. Elinita Binay sa Sandiganbayan…
BONG: “Ma’am, totoo bang sa inyo ang hacienda sa Batangas?”
MRS. BINAY: “Totoo bang kumita ka kay Napoles?”
BONG:
MRS. BINAY:
BONG & MRS. BINAY: “Jooooooke!!!”

A youngster was on the doctor’s operating table for a minor procedure. “Now, don’t be afraid, son,” said the father. “I will hold your hand.”
“No,”
cried the boy, “hold the doctor’s hand!”

A newspaper editor was interviewing an applicant for the slot of proofreader.
EDITOR: “I suppose you are aware of the responsibility of this job?”
APPLICANT: “Yes, sir! I know that when you make a mistake, I take the blame. Right?”
EDITOR: “You’re hired.”

Three people having sex is a Threesome, Two is a Twosome.
So next time, someone calls you “HANDSOME,” don’t take it as a compliment.

Shortly before their silver wedding anniversary, a man sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to his wife. A few days later, she plucked all the pedals and dried them. On the night of the anniversary, she spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them wearing only a negligee. When he saw her, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

Above jokes courtesy of Mike and Will.

 

 

oOo

“Minsan ang mga babae gagalitin ka. Tapos magagalit, kasi nagalit ka.”

Kwik Tip 06: Shoe Bag/Storage Solution

Malamang nakapagbasa na kayo ng sandamakmak na “life hacks” articles chuchu sa iba’t ibang site .

At malamang alam nyo na rin ang mga iba’t ibang  tips/tricks na pwedeng paggamitan ng mga disposable shower caps na kadalasan inuuwi natin pag nag i-stay tayo ng hotel noh?( Inuuwi NATIN? O baka AKO lang? Hihi!)

disposable shower caps

Malamang baka alam nyo na ‘to that one smart way na pwedeng paggamitan ng disposable shower caps ay ang gawin syang travel bag for shoes. (It will help protecting your clothes from dirty shoes in your luggage .)

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Enwey, maidagdag ko lang na ako. . . eto ang ginawa ko lately sa dumadaming shower caps ko.

Nakatulong ng malaki ang idea na ‘to kasi wala akong extra shoe rack dito sa bahay.

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Ginawa ko syang pambalot ng mga shoepatos ko para iwas alikabok na rin at para mas madali ang storage ko dito sa box ko.

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At ganitey nga ang ginawa ko. Looky!

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Kitams….mas organized ang dating, hindi magulo at mas madali ang paghugot ng bawat pares kung gagamitin.

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I’ve realized mas matipid din sa space ang ganitong paraan ng shoe storage.

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Yun lang.

Happy Wednesday, mga palangga!

 

 

oOo

“Ah! There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.”

Wednesday Humor 01.28.15

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ANAK : “Dad, may tao sa pinto sa labas, humihingi ng donation para daw sa swimming pool ng village natin.”
DAD: “Sige, bigyan mo ng isang gallon ng tubig.”

When Mark was shopping for pet supplies, a salesman came running to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,”
replied the salesman, “don’t worry, I got the plate license number.”

May the coming days bring you HOPE, JOY, GRACE, LOVE & CHARITY!
Si JOY lumipat na ng bahay.
Si GRACE naman nasa dating club pa rin.
Si L0VE hinahanap ka… buntis daw.
Si Hope nanganak na, sustento daw.
Si Charity na scholar mo graduating na, dagdag allowance daw, papa!
Advance HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Lalake sa shota:
“Parang ahas lang ‘to, ulo pa lang mapapasigaw ka na.”

A girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, “Don’t stare at her tits, don’t stare at her tits…” Then she said, “Don’t stare at whose tits?”

GUY: “Can we have punctuation sex tonight?”
WIFE: “What do you mean, Punctuation Sex?”
GUY: “It’s where I put my semi in your colon.”

If Africa has EBOLA, the Philippines has more deadly virus called…
    .
    .
    .
    “EBULSA.”

A little man in a resto shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. “Excuse me,” he said, “do you happen to be Mr. Juan of Manila?”
“No, I’m not,” the
man replied with picqued.
“Oh… er… well,” stutter the little man, “you see, I am and that’s his coat your putting on.”

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!

SA BARBERSHOP
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “2 oras pa.”
TIBO: “Ok.”(umalis..di na bumalik)
AFTER 2 DAYS
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “mga 1 oras pa.”
TIBO: “Ok.”( umalis…di na bumalik)
AFTER 3 DAYS
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “2 1/2 oras “(kinausap ng barbero si Nelson)
BARBER: “Paki sundan mo kung saan nagpunta. Tanong ng tanong di naman bumabalik.”
AFTER A WHILE, BUMALIK SI NELSON.    

BARBER: “Ano pre, saan ba nagpunta yun pag umaalis dito?”
NELSON: “Sa BAHAY mo, nagkikita sila ng misis mo!!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Gusto kong magkaroon ng RELASYON na kasing tibay ng SHORTS ni INCREDIBLE HULK.”