Wednesday Humor 06.15.16

Juan Ponce Enrile spent the last 50 years of his life in politics. ..
If there is justice in the world, he will spend the rest of his life in prison.

Martin Andanar, the incoming Presidential Communications Operations Office chief, says the Du30 administration may publish it’s own tabloid. They haven’t decided yet what to call the tabloid but Du30 is keen on calling it, “Balitang Ina Mo.”

A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a golf course in Florida, U. S. A. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for som. In the Pinas, it’s called “Congress in recess.”

Mayor Duterte promises a “metamorphosis” once he is sworn as President. Change will come he said… He’ll lessen his ‘putang inas’ to 10 per week from the usual 50.

Pres. Rodrigo Duterte appoints Mar Roxas road czar 2 build tuwid na mga daan, Jejomar Binay baker czar 2 make cakes, Grace Poe director of heart center & Antonio Trillanes host 2 a talk show 24/7 para daldal ng daldal ng lumawit ang dila. Let us welcome d new cabinet members!

President-elect Rody should force Congress to go on minimum wage..
That way, Pinoys can feel comfortable calling them public servants.

People says President-elect Rody uses ‘cuss words.’ Rody vehemently disagreed and allegedly said, “They are sentence enhancers.”

Judging by the way some women wear make-up, it’s rather obvious that they did not excel at coloring when they were children.

I don’t think it’s cute when I see names carved into trees…
I think it strange how many people take knives on dates.

Perks of being 60 years and above…
Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run – anywhere.
People call at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you up?”

BOSS: “If you can’t show up here sober then don’t bother coming to work tomorrow!”
EMPLOYEE: “Wow! Three day weekend!”

POLICEMAN: “Do you speak English?”
JUAN: “Yes.”
POLICEMAN: “Where are you from?”
JUAN: “Yes.”

DOCTOR: “Your liver is the only organ that regenerates itself…”
ERAP: “I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!”

Little Boy1: “Are you related to anyone famous?”
Little Boy2: “I don’t want to brag, but I heard Dad calling God his father.”

HUSBAND: “Call an ambulance fast! I am having heart attack…”
WIFE: (took his mobile) “Quick! Give me the password!”
HUSBAND: “It’s okay! I’m feeling better now!”

“Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye.” A man’s side at every phone conversation with his wife.

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Remove toxic people from your life. Free yourself.”

Recipe: Banana Walnut Muffins

Just finished baking.

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Banana Walnut Muffins

Serves: 12 muffins

Ingredients

  • 1½ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 3 large bananas, mashed
  • ¾ cup white sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • ⅓ cup butter, melted
  • 1/2 cup walnuts

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Coat muffin pans with non-stick spray, or use paper liners.
  3. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
  4. Combine bananas, sugar, egg, vanilla and melted butter in a large bowl. Fold in flour mixture, walnuts and mix until dry ingredients are just combined. Do not over mix. Scoop about ¼ cup of batter each muffin tin.
  5. Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes. Muffins will spring back when lightly tapped.

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oOo

“There’s no use stressing over something in the past, because there’s nothing you can do to change it. Just move on, life goes on.”

Tuesday Humor 05.31.16

Excerpts from alleged interview with Du30…
QUESTION: “Nakakailang ‘putang ina’ po kayo sa loob ng isang linggo?”
ANSWER:” Pag nanood ako ng news tapos nakita ko ang CBCP, “p…i…” Pag nakita ko si De Lima, “p…i..” Pag natrapik ako, “p…i…” Pag nakarinig ako ng balita sa druga, “p…i..” More or less, mga 15 na “p…i..” weekly!”

Mayor Rody Duterte is the country’s oldest and the first septuagenarian president. In contrast, P-Noy is the youngest president to be elected who looks like a septuagenarian!

Former justice secretary Leila de Lima has been elected senator of the country. The feisty lawyer got 14.14 million non-Iglesia Ni Cristo votes. Congrats!

Senator-elect Manny Pacquiao supports the restoration of the death penalty because ‘It’s biblical.” As a supporter of the anti-RH law, Mr. Pacquiao is the first Pinoy lawmaker in history to be pro-life and pro-death at the same time!

Pinoys have elected the country’s first transgender lawmaker. One would like to believe Pinoy voters have matured…
Just don’t mention anything about Senator-elect Manny Pacquiao!

Starfruit Season Quote:
”My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my pocket begins.”

GIRL1: “Wow, ang cute naman ng baby mo!”
GIRL2: “Thanks, sis! Ikaw kelan mo balak mag baby?”
GIRL1: “Pagsawa na akong lumunok!”

It’s ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represents freedom…
until they are flashing behind your back! 🙂

QUESTION: How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight?
ANSWER: When your wife’s clothes fit her.

A guy in a bar stood up and said, “All politicians are a$$holes!” Another man stood up and says, “Hey… I resent that!”
The first guy asked, “Why? Are you a politico?”
“No,”
was the swift reply, “I’m an a$$hole!”

GUY1: “I’m STARVING.”
GUY2: “Let’s just fall in love. Di ba sabi ng Eagles, “Love will keep us alive.”
GUY1: … 
GUY2: “Sige, pa-deliver na lang!

Dear Men:
When a woman says she doesn’t want to talk about it, you’d better shut up, then grab a chair and get ready to listen for… hours.

It’s quite difficult to understand life insurance…
Why would a guy want to give his wife and family financial incentive to kill him?

Current Relationship Status:
Made dinner for two. Ate them both.

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

 

oOo

“Ang pagkakaroon ng CRUSH ay parang muta, malapit ka na nga hindi ka pa makita.”

Corned Tuna Omelet

Ang cookin’ ni ina nyo for today ay…

Corned Tuna Omelet

  • 3 eggs
  • 1 small tin corned tuna
  • salt and pepper
  • onion leaves (optional)

Brekpas por wan lang ‘to. Plate Oo, kaya ko ubusin itey ng mag-isa.

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corned tuna omelette (2)

corned tuna omelette (3)

corned tuna omelette (4)

corned tuna omelette (5)

 

 

oOo

“Living in favorable and unfavorable conditions is called part of living. But smiling in all those situations, is called the art of living!”

Singkwenta Lahat

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Medya kilo OKRA        = P10.00
Medya kilo KAMATIS = P15.00
Medya kilo TALONG   = P10.00
2 piraso PIPINO           = P10.00
1 Bigkis KANGKONG  = P5.00
T O T A L                      P50.00

Nabawasan ng singkwenta petot ang kaban ng yaman ko nang mamalengke ako kanina.

Sumasakit ulo ko ngayon sa kai-esep kung ano pa ba ang ibang bibilhin ko? Ano pa ba ang kulang ko when I have almost everything en layp na.

Paano ko nga ba uubusin etong mga tagong yaman/milyones ko? Paanooo? Charoooot!

Punyemas! Makapag-almusal na nga muna.

Para akong nakadroga talaga mag isip pag hindi nakakapag-almusal.

Babush!

Monday Humor 05.02.16

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Reports say P-Noy has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So, Mar petitioned a court to allow him to use the surname “Duterte!”

The inventor of the urinal deodorizer block passed away. Long may he rest in PISS.

An emergency room resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?” The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

“How many cups of coffee will this hold?” a man asked as he placed a large thermos on a coffee shop counter. “Six cups,” advised a crew member. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream!”

Breaking News: Bading, biglang nangisay at nanigas nang makatikim ng tea tea.

Ang bagong alternatibo sa mga dating mahilig sa Milk Tea… Ang “BAT TEA.”

Hindi kami naniniwala sa teleserye na “Bridges of love.” Dahil ang true love nasa HAGDAN hindi sa TULAY!

Standing in front of the mirror the wife said, “I am not fat, you wouldn’t call me fat, would you?” Her husband replied, “Of course not darling. Delusional, but never fat.”

WIFE: “Truth or dare?”

HUSBAND: “Truth.”

WIFE: “So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”

HUSBAND: “Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair.. I said truth not dare!’

Sinabi ng misis sa mister, “Babe, nag-ahit ako, alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?” at kumindat pa si misis. “Tangina,” sagot ng mister kay misis, “Hah? Barado na naman ang banyo?”

As I stood swaying at the British Airways ticket counter, the sales agent asked, “May I help you, sir?” “Yes,” I slurred as I unzipped my Superman costume to get my wallet, “one way ticket to Amsterdam please.” “You’re unable to fly, sir,” he replied. “You’re too drunk.” I said, “I know, mate, that’s why I’m getting a plane.”

BOSS: “I think you’re not too bright at all. But you have come early to work for the past two years. You deserve a reward. “

EMPLOYEE: “Thanks, boss! What’s my reward then? “

BOSS: “How does a brand new car sound? “

EMPLOYEE: “Vroom, vroom…”

 

oOo

“Don’t be a woman that needs a man… Be a woman a man needs!”

Tuesday Humor 04.12.16

At a press forum…
REPORTER: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
BINAY: “In a house.”
REPORTER: “Vacation?”
BINAY: “House arrest!”

A wife stormed into a pub and as her husband and the boys were downing Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
No, I’m not,” he laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids!”

Parang patungo na sa Hunger Games ang magiging format ng eleksyon…
Hamon here. Hamon there.

INTERVIEWER: “Why did you leave your previous job?”
APPLICANT: “Because once they fire you, they won’t let you stay!”

In an apparent dig at Senator Grace Poe, Vice President Jejomar Binay says the country needs leaders with “experience and competence.” Which begs the question, “Why did you let Nancy run?”

Pintas:
Yung boobs mo parang advertisement ng burger ng McDo…
Sa picture lang malaki.

At midnight… wife’s mobile phone beeps.
Husband checks it & gets angry. He wakes his wife up.
HUSBAND: (angry) “Who is this person saying “beautiful”?”
Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone.
WIFE: (very angry) “Hey! Use your magnifying glass… ‘It’s not beautiful… It’s battery full!!'”

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER: “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

Ang sabi nila mas madami daw ang babae kaysa lalake sa buong mundo.
Kaya huwag magtataka kung bakit maraming kabit.

“Senior Moments”
An old Fellow fell in Love with a Lady. He got down on his knees.. & told her there were 2 things he would like to ask her.
She replied: “0K”…
He said: “Will you Marry Me?”
She replied: ” YES “…
Then asked what his 2nd  Question was ?…
He replied: “Will you help me stand up?”

“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.
“All right! Not so loud,” replied the youth. “Here’s 50 cents to keep your mouth shut.”
“Gee, thanks! Wait a minute and I’ll give you 20 cents change.”
“20 cents change? What for?”

“I like to be fair, and it’s the same price for everybody.”

Dapat aware tayo sa feelings ng asawa o girlfriend natin.
Pero girls, sana maging aware din kayong nasasaktan din kami kapag sumabit ang ipin niyo.

A wife opened her birthday present and as she held it in her hands she said to her husband, “This is nice but why a mirror?”
He replied, “In case you forget why I’m leaving you.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Yung ibang kandidato parang EX mo. Minsan ka nang sinaktan at niloko tapos ang lakas ng loob bumalik syo. At dahil tanga ka pababalikin mo.” – Vice Ganda