Thursday Humor 02.11.16

 

“Mommy, guwapo ba ako?” 
“Itanong mo sa girlfriend mo.”
“Wala akong girlfriend.”
“Exactly!”

Senior Moments
An old Fellow fell in Love with a Lady. He got down on his knees.. & told her there were 2 things he would like to ask her.
She replied: “0K”…
He said: “Will you Marry Me?”
She replied: ” YES “…
Then asked what his 2nd  Question was?…
He replied: “Will you help me stand up?”

Though he loved the design of his new tie. Juan had no choice but to take it back to the store. When the salesman asked what was wrong with it, Juan replied, “Too tight.”

“Ano kayang puwedeng kainin mamaya?”
Most Pinoys asked after almost every meal.

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER:  “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

QUESTION: Why do only 15% of women go to heaven?
ANSWER: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

In U. S. politics, Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called “Trumpeters”. In Pinas, some supporters of Digong Duterte are being called “Dutertenatics”, while Binay supporters are denying that they are called “Binayarans”.

An elderly man just finished his annual physical when the doctor saw him grinning from ear to ear. The doctor said, “Fred, we did the works – heart, lungs, credit scores, investments and guess what? You can afford to live another 20 years!”

A man bought some dragon scales from China for his wife.
SHE: “Ooh, they’re beautiful! What are they?”
HE: “Dragon scales. They’re very rare!”
SHE: “What are they for?”
HE: “Weighing dragons!”

A boss yelled at an employee, “This is the fifth time you’ve been late to work this month! Do you know what that means?”
The employee replied, “Probably that it’s Friday.”

The Sandiganbayan has junked Jinggoy Estrada’s petition for bail.
Bong Revilla is asking Lani Mercado, his children, and their supporters to pray harder!

INTERVIEWER: “Why did you leave your previous job?”
APPLICANT: “Because once they fire you, they won’t let you stay!”

**Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“Mas okay pa ang mahulog sa manhole kesa sa maling tao.”

Bupey

Nag-bertdey ang paborito kong brother.

Dumayo ako sa kanila, lumabas kami at nakikain sa isang bupey. Plate 

Siempre dahil bihira akong lumabas ng bahay at hindi naman ganito ang kinakain ko araw-araw (Mas masarap kasi ang food na kinakain ko sa bahay everyday noh! Char!), ipo-post ko ang pagkain na idinighay ko. Smile with tongue out 

Ang mahal kaya ng bupey na ‘to. Linsyak!

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-005

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-004

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-003

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-006

Post ko na rin ang naging tanawin ko habang lumalafang.

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-002

Ang pasilip-silip ko dun sa lalaking nagsu-swimming at nagmumura sa coolness ang abs. Nyah-Nyah

HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA

Aaay! Hindi po ‘to kasama sa mga kinain ko.HEAT EDSA SHANGRILA-001

Second Chance

Vic Sotto is not alone in proving love could be sweeter the second time around. Here are five other celebrity couples who have proven just that.

Source: LOOK: 6 celebrity couples who found second chance at love

Pagkatapos kong basahin ang article na yan sa site ng ABS-CBN, ewan ko ba at parang bigla akong may nalasahan na ampalaya sa sarili ko. Esep-esep ko, tongue-inah…nakakadalawa na sila ha! Buti pa sila may SECOND CHANCE, eh ako ni-CHANCE wala. Olats talaga! Ano bang MERON ako na WALA sila? Hmpt!

Haays…makapaglagay nga ng post-it sa noo ko na may print na, LOSER! Meehehehe!

Monday Humor 1.25.16

BUKNOY: “Tay, naglalakad yung mga gulay natin.”
TATAY: “Paano mo naman nasabi, anak?”
BUKNOY: “Yung talong po nakarating sa kuwarto ni ate.”

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
FATHER: “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike.  That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”

MARIA: “Ang kuripot talaga ng boyfriend ko.”
PETRA: “Bakit, ano nangyari?”
MARIA: “Biruin mo naman.. sabi ko gusto kong makita ang Davao… binigyan ako ng postcard!”

A man visited a friend tending elephants at a zoo. He found him crying and when asked what happened, the man replied that the largest elephant had died.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know you were so close to the elephant.”
“I’m not, I have to bury it.”

BOY: “Pa-torjack naman!
GIRL: “Yuck! Di ka talaga romantic!
LALAKE: “O sige, totorjakin kita sa itaas  ng bundok at sa ilalim ng mga bituin!”
GIRL: “Yan… OK!”

One bank opened a branch near a cemetery and put up this sign: “You can’t take it with you when you go, but bank with us and you would at least be near it.”

A lola doing the way of the cross in a church.
LALAKE: “Lola, baliktad po yata ang way of the cross niyo?”
LOLA: “Tama ito, hijo!”
LALAKE: “Mali po, dapat po sa 1st station kayo magsimula hindi sa 14th station!”
LOLA: “Ganun ba? Kaya palakas nang palakas si Kristo!”

HUSBAND: “After all these years of marriage. Why have you never threatened to divorce me?”
WIFE: “I’d hate to see you happy!”

PARE1: “Pre, anong sakit mo?”
PARE2: “Diabetes, pre.”
PARE1: “Acquired mo yan?”
PARE2: “Hindi, namana ko lang etong sakit na eto sa papa ko.”
PARE1: “Bakit, diabetic din sya?”
PARE2: “Hindi.. Sugar Daddy!”

A fat lady drops coin in pay weighing scale, waited a while, then a thermal paper came out with the message, “Sorry, only ONE customer at a time.”

*Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“Old age is when candlelit dinners are no longer romantic, because, you cannot read the menu!”

Thursday Humor 01.21.16

DALAGA: “Excuse me, pogi… Meron kang kamukha.”
BINATA: “Sino?”
DALAGA: “Yung susunod kong BF!”
BINATA: “Sorry, hindi puwede yan!”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “May BF na kasi ako. At para sa kaalaman mo, hindi ako TOMBOY!”

ANAK: “Akala ko ba ampon niyo ako, eto birth certificate ko! Antagal niyo sakin nilihim na tunay nyo aköng anak!”
MAGULANG: “Pero anak, tinuring ka din namin na parang pekeng anak.”
ANAK: “Ano na lang sasabihìn ng mga kamag-anak natin kapag nalaman nilang tunay nyo akong anak? Ayoko na dito, aalis na ako!”
MAGULANG: “Saan ka pupunta?”
ANAK: “Hahanapin ko mga peke kong magulang!”

MOTHER: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You’ve been studying for 3 years, and you can only count up to 10. What will you do in life if you go on like that?”
LITTLE BOY: “I’ll be a referee at boxing matches!”

DOKTOR: “Pag di kayo tumigil ng pag-inom ng alak maaring mabulag kayo!”
PASYENTE: “Ako’y 80 taon na. Sa palagay ko ay nakita ko nang lahat ang mga dapat makita!”

Two guys were talking during lunch.
GUY1: “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl on a bike rode up to me, undressed herself, and told me, “take whatever you want.” So I took her bike.”
GUY2: “Good choice! Her clothes probably woudn’t fit you!”

Fantasy ng Babae:
Ang pag-agawan siya ng dalawang lalake.
Fantasy ng Lalake:
Ang i-share siya ng dalawang babae.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s the police, sir.”
“You’ll have to wait, I’m having a poo.”
“We know, sir. The phone booth has glass sides!”

Two flies land on a pile of manure. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

*Thank you MIKE for the above SMS jokes.

 

 

oOo

“May oras na darating na kailangang palayain ang isang lalake, di dahil ayaw mo na sa kanya, kundi alam mong mas masaya siya kung hahayaan mo siyang magmahal sa kapwa niyang lalake!”