MARUISM

• A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, “What are NITRATES?
  The student replied shyly, “Ma’am, sa motel po.
  NITRATES are higher than day rates!”

• Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…
  Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
  Diego: Alam ko..
  Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
  Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

• WHO’S GUILTY?
  Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts, “Quick, my husband is back!”
  Man gets up, jumps out the window and realizes, “Damn! I am thehusband!”

• Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
  Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
  Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!

• Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
  Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
  Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
  Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako?
  Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!—

• Lito: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
  Joseph: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam ‘yun?! Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2… cold water.

• Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado.Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado. “Ikaw ba ‘yan, Dado?” usisa ni Rodel. “Oo naman!” tugon ni Dado. “Parang hindi totoo!” bulalas ni Rodel.“O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?” Sagot ni Dado, “May maganda at masama akong balita sa ‘yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama…kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!”

• Usapan ng dalawang bata…
  Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, ‘yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
  Pedrito: Wala ‘yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ‘ yung Dead Sea ?
  Junjun: Oo…
  Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

• Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
  Sir: What are my choices?
  Stewardess: Yes or No.

• Misis: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na ‘to!
  Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ako sa ‘yo!

• Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa…
  ADVANTAGE: Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
  DISADVANTAGE: Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan parin!

• What is the difference between a girl friend, a call girl and a wife?
  Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

• Sa isang classroom…
  Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
  Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
  Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

• Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
  Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
  Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
  Itay: Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!

• Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
  Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.
  Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
  Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
  Rodrigo: Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?
  Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami! Twins!

• Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
  BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
  The engraver shortened it to: “RETURNED UNOPENED”

• MISIS: Inday, napansin ko ang barong ni Sir mo, lagi na lang may lipstik!
  MAID: Opo nga Mam, mukhang niloloko na TAYO ni Sir ah!

• THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
  “VIRGINITY is not DIGNITY.
  It is just a lack of opportunity!”

• TATAY: “Pesteng buhay toh! merong kaldero, walang biGAS! merong lampara, walang GAS! merong gripo, walang taGAS! dagdagan pa ng asawang walang huGAS huGAS! paano pa titiGAS!!”

• A young man ask an old man. “Sir, what is retirement?”
  Old man: “Retirement is when you are replaced by a computer at work and a vibrator at home..”

• MISTER: (naglalambing, ki-ss-ing wife’s shoulder) Hon, sigi naaaa…
  MISIS: (naiirita) Bumabagyo!
  MISTER: Ayaw mo yun, eh malamig? Sigii naaa…
  MISIS: Ano ka ba, tanga? Di ka na nahiya!
  Ang daming tao dito sa evacuation center!

• A farmer went to the river and saw five (5) nude girls swimming.
  The girls protested, “We are not coming out until you leave!”
  Farmer: “it is Ok, I am here to feed the crocodiles!”

• AMERICAN ENGLISH:
  Eat All You Can, don’t be shy, feel at home!
  ERAP IN TAGALOG:
  kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

• HEADLINE: “Dalawang lola nag jogging sa plaza ginahasa!”
  Kinabukasan… Plaza nagkagulo! Nagtrapik!
  Libu-libong lola nag jo-jogging!

• A boss interviewed four girls for secretary… He asked each one this question: A lady has two mouths. What is the difference between the two mouths?
  1st: One can talk, and the other can not talk.
  2nd: One is vertical, and the other is horizontal.
  3rd: Only one is hairy.
  4th: Upper one is for my use, and the lower is for my boss.
  THE LAST ONE WAS HIRED!!

• TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na sobrang mataba siya ng hindi sya mababastos?
  SAGOT: “uhmm, excuse me Miss.. Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?..”

• GIRL: Mommy, bakit yung bird ng neighbor nating kalaro ko parang champoy..?
  MOMMY: Hahaha! Bakit? maliit ba?
  GIRL: Hindi Mommy.. Maalat kasi eh!

• BANK TELLER: Your ID is valid and acceptable, clear photo, kitang kita ang kulubot at mga linya sa mukha, walang retoke…
  LADY CLIENT: Gaga! Thumbmark ko yan!

• MAID: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi..
  MADAM: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
  MAID: Eh.. akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa… Nagduda na ako!

• S-e-x is like a restaurant.
  Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service

• Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
  To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

• Woman complaining to dentist: “It is so painful, I will rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.
  Dentist: “Make up your mind soon, I will adjust the chair accordingly..”

• BREAST RELATED NAME:
  SUSAN- suso nasa tiyan
  SUZETTE- suso maliit
  DOLOR- dodo nasa floor
  JOBEL- joga hanggang bilbil
  DEBORRAH- dede walang b-ra
  ULA- utong lang..

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Presidential Politics 2008
Questions from our respondents about the U.S. Presidential Election coming up in 2008.

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