M A R U I S M

• Guro: “Sino si Jose Rizal?”
  Juan: “Di ko po kilala.”
  Guro: “Ikaw pepe?”
  Pepe: “Di rin po.”
  Guro: “Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?”
  Pedro: “Ma’m, baka po sa kabilang section sya!”

• AMO: “Day, gamitin mo itong chalk pamatay ng ipis, sulat mo sa pader.”
  Maid: “yis ati!”
  NEXT DAY… nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader:
  “EPES MAMATAY KAUNG LAHAT! SYET PAKYO!”

• Pedro: “Pare galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid… Grabe ang lakas na ng pandinig ko!”
  Juan: “Talaga?!?! Magkano bili mo?”
  Pedro: “Kahapon lang…”

• Sayings to live by:
  1. Birds of the same feather are the same birds.
  2. Do not do unto others what you can’t do.
  3. An apple a day is not an apple at night.
  4. When the cat is away the mouse is alone.
  5. If others can do it, dont help.
  6. Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you mine.
  7. Early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon.

• Two nurses on duty…
  Nurse 1: “Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!”
  Nurse 2: “Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!”

• BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): “Hello… may tao po ba sa Room 168?”
  Telephone Operator: “Wala po, Bakit?”
  Baliw: “Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!”

• A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar…
  Spielberg hit the chinese…
  Chinese: “why you hit me?”
  Spielberg: “coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my father died there.”
  Chinese: “but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!”
  Spielberg: “Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese… all the same!”
  … chinese punched Spielberg
  Spielberg: “why you hit me too?”
  Chinese: “Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.”
  Spielberg: “but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!”
  Chinese: “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg… you are all the same!!”

• Sa story of Adam and Eve… sabi ng ibang lahi… definitely daw hindi pinoy si Eba at Adan…dahil kung pinoy daw, hindi nun kakainin ung apple…ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!

• Pasikatan ng Graduates
  UP: “Many past president graduated from our school; Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, just to name a few.
  Ateneo: “That’s nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes: Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.”
  La Salle: “Wala yan! Talo yan sa mga Graduates namin!”
  UP and Ateneo: “Bakit? sino ba ang graduates nyo?”
  La Salle: “Aba marami kaming sikat na graduates: si Gary Valenciano, Dindong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid at Monsour Del Rosario”

• Pedro bumps a foreigner
  Pedro: “ay sori”
  Foreigner: “sorry too”
  Pedro: “sori 3″
  Foreigner: “what are you sorry for?”
  Pedro: “(kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5″
  Foreigner: “i think you are sick!”
  Pedro: “hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod!”

• Pedro: “Pare bakit malungkot ka?”
  Juan: “Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, gwapo, bata, macho!”
  Pedro: “Nagseselos ka?”
  Juan: “Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!”

• Women are physically stronger than men…
  Why?
  Because women can carry two mountains at a time!
  while men can carry only two eggs…
  Take Note! with the help of a bird pa!

• Madre: “Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence…”
  Father: “Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa…”
  Madre: “No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki!”

• Teacher: “Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?”
  Student: “Lito Lapid?Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya…”
  Student: “Lito Lito?”
  Teacher: “Mahaba buhok nya!”
  Student: “Lot Lot?”
  Teacher: “Madami sila…”
  Student: “Lot Lot And Friends?”

• Pare 1: “Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!”
  Pare 2: “Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?”
  Pare 1: “OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!”

• Prospective Employer to Applicant: ” So why did you leave your previous job?”
  Applicant: ” The company relocated and they did not tell me where!”

• WIFE: “Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.”
  HUSBAND: “Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya “GO TO HELL”, Kaya ito uwi agad ako.”

Lying