Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5″7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”.
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”
Wife replies, “No, It means, ”With Idiot For Ever!!!”
**********
Three Feelings:
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: ’You know the importance of period?”
Kid: “Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.”
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs 
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I’m confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints… –
* * *
Before Marriage…
Boy: Yes, at last! It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No! Don’t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? I’m not that kind of person.
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage…
simply read from bottom to top
* * *
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
* * *
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
* * * *
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. When the mortician arrived home, “I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!?!?”
* * * *
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device… a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”
* * * *
hahahahhaa…patok lahat!
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