SMS Jokes 04.22.09 (Wednesday)

TITSER: Class, ilang araw na lang, college na kayo. Anong gusto nyong maging?
JUN: Ako, doktor.
MARK: Ako lawyer.
LEO: Ako, judge. Mataas pa sa lawyer.
POL: Ako, pari.
TITSER: Magaling. Ikaw, Bading, este, Badong?
BADONG: Santsupapa ang gusto ko!
TITSER: San Tsupa Pa? Anong San Tsupa Pa?
BADONG: Yung pinakamataas pa sa pari.
TITSER: Ahh… Santo Papa. Anak ka ng baka!

* * * *

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Richard Gordon’s Presidential Campaign T-Shirts:

5. The DICK everyone loves.
4. Wala sa size yan. Nasa performance. Just DICK it.
3. Big DICK. Sharp tongue. Iluklok sa Malacanang!
2. Laging buhay at nakasaludo: DICK sa pagka-pangulo!
1. Puwedeng pisilin. Puwedeng himasin. ‘Wag lamang gagalitin. That’s my DICK!

* * * *

Top 5 Suggested Campaign Slogans for Bro. Mike:

5. Tandaan ang pangalan: Bro. Mike po lamang. Iba po yung Bro. Eddie. Siya po yong talunan! Amen? Amen!
4. Mike Velarde: Kakampi ng militante. Sa Edsa man o sa Mendiola pwedeng mag-prayer rally!
3. Sundin ang Utos ni Yahweh… Iboto si Velarde!
2. Sa ikauunlad ng bayan… payong at panyo ang kailangan!
1. Pagkain para sa mahirap! Sisig, luglog at umaapaw pa!

* * * *

Man walked to a girl and said, ‘Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?’
SHE: Do you like sex?
HE: Of course I like sex.
SHE: Do you like to travel?
HE: Yeah, I love to travel.
SHE: Then fuck off.

* * * *

Girl came home from her date, tossed her coat over chair, threw her clothes around the bedroom without care.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time.
‘Oh,’ sighed the girl, ’I had a wonderful time.’
‘I thought as much,’ her mother remarked, ‘Your undies are still stuck to the ceiling!’

* * * *

A little boy was absent from school. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, ’Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.’ ‘How disgusting,’ said the teacher, ’I’m sure your father could have done that.”No, ma’am, he coudn’t have,’ said the tyke, ’It has to be the Bull.’

* * * *

Two old spinsters bought a farm and went to see a farmer about stocking it with chickens.
Timidly, they said they 500 hens and 500 roosters. The amazed farmer explained that 50 roosters would be sufficient for 500 hens.
Blushing, the elder spinster spoke up, ‘No, we want 500 hens and 500 roosters. We know what it means to be lonesome!’

* * * *

Nanay:  Haay, anak, sana maging kasing bait ka ng tatay mo…
Anak:  Mabait ba Tatay ko?
Nanay:  Aba oo…Di mo ba alam, dahil sa kabaitan, nabigyan siya ng parole! 

* * * *

SECRETARY: Sir, meron akong bad news.
BOSS: Ayokong makarinig ng bad news. Bigyan mo naman ako ng good news.
SECRETARY: Hinde pala kayo BAOG, Sir

* * * *

Bata pa lang ako inambisyon ko nang yumaman. Kaya nagsikap po ako. Tiniis ko ang buhay bilang tindero ng isda sa Divisoria hanggang sa makaipon at makapag-aral sa UP. Sa UP, nakilala ko ang ubod nang yaman si Cynthia Aguilar. Nagtiyaga ako sa panliligaw kay Cynthia, hanggang di kalaunan naging mag-asawa kami.

Dahil sa ibayo pang sipag at tiyaga at sa tulong na rin ng pamilya Aguilar, napalago ko ang sarili naming negosyo. Kaya ngayon, eto, nakahiga kami sa limpak-limpak na salapi. Kaya’t sa darating na eleksyon, gusto kong mabawasan naman kahit konti ang aming kayamanan. Ipapamahagi namin ito sa mga nagangailangan. Sana, isa ka sa masuwerteng maambunan…’  -Manny Villar

* * * * 

A little town had a high birth rate that attracted the attention of sociologists at the nearby state university. They asked for and got a huge study grant for the phenomenon.

As the staff was getting ready for their big research effort, the project director went to the local pharmacist for a cup of coffee. While drinking it, he told the pharmacist what his purpose was in town. The pharmacist replied,’Every morning the 6 o’clock train comes through here and blows its horn for the crossing. it wakes everyone up, and, well, it’s too late to go to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.’

* * * *

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his painting exhibits.

‘I have good news and bad news,’ the owner replied. ’The good news is that a gent inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all of your paintings.’
‘That’s wonderful,’ the artist exclaimed. ’What’s the bad news?’
‘The guy was your doctor.’

* * * *

A lola having her way of the cross inside the church.

lalake: lola, baliktad po ata ang way of d cross nyo?
lola: ha? Tama to iho!
lalake: mali po, dapat po sa 1st station kayo magsimula hndi sa 14th station!
lola: ganun ba? Kaya pala palakas ng palakas si kristo! 

* * * *

Flight Attendant’s comment over the PA system on a less than perfect landing:

‘We request you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal building.’

* * * *

ERNIE: Doc, I think my wife is getting deaf!
DOC: Go home, stand about 15 feet from her, say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 ft. closer to know the degree of her deafness.
ERNIE: Lilia, what’s for lunch? (no reply until he was 1 foot from her).
LILIA: For the 4th time, tinola!

* * * *

All above SMS courtesy of MIKE. Thank you so much, Mike.

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