SMS Jokes 05.06.09 (Wednesday)

Gay1: Oist bakla! Balita ko pinapasok ka daw ng gwapong lalaki na nakahubad sa kuwarto mo ah?
Gay2: Oo bakla, kaya nga tumakbo ako palabas, natakot ako eh! Kaw ano ang gagawin mo sa ganung sitwastyon?
Gay1: Tulad mo rin… Magsisinungaling! 

* * * *

“Huwag mo akong dungawin…Hindi ako bintana…“ - cleavage

* * * *

“hindi lahat ng natutulog nasa kama…“ - Ricky Hatton :)

* * * *

Ang pag-ibig ay puno ng hiwaga;
Masalimuot na di mo maitatuwa;
Bagay na di mabigyan ng unawa;
Habang panahon mananatiling himala.
Ngunit kaibigan, sa araw-araw na ginawa;
Ating pag-ukulan ng pansin at pagdama;
Ano ang hangad sa buhay na pinagpala;
Kun’di pag-ibig at lubos na pag-unawa.
Buhay natin ay walang mapapala
kung walang pagmamahal at pagkalinga
Ito’y ating isa-isip at isagawa.
Habang tumitigas ating Alaga, ihanap lagi Pepeng sariwa!

* * * *

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, ”Give me your money.”Man shocked by the sudden attack, blurted, “You can’t do this, I’m a congressman!” The thief said ‘in that case, give me my money!”

* * * *

You can be a doctor and save lives…
A lawyer and defend lives…
A soldier and protect lives…
Or simply be yourself…
Horny and create lives..

* * * *  

A Greek and Italian were debating on who had the superior culture.
Greek: We have the Parthenon.
Italian: We have the Colosseum.
Greek: We had great mathematicians.
Italian: We had the Roman Empire.
The debate went back and forth till the Greek says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

* * * * 

TEACHER: Who can spell the word STRAIGHT?
ERAP: Ako, Mam! S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T.
TEACHER: Good! Do you know what it means?
ERAP: Kampai! As in bottoms up po!
TEACHER: Sira ulo! Lassengo!

* * * * 

Just a thought: 

babaha pa kaya kung beer ang ulan? 🙂

* * * *

GMA: Filipinos are ungrateful. Galit sila sa akin. Kahit anong pagsisikap at kabutihan ang gawin ko. They love Cory Aquino & Susan Roces more, na mga wala namang ginawa.
Ermita: I’m sure kung magagaya mo sina Cory & Susan, all your problems will be solved.
GMA: Ano ang gagayahin ko sa kanila?
Ermita: Maging BIYUDA ka lang, mam, tapos lahat ang iyong problema!!!

* * * * 

Batay Sa Kanilang Sagot:
Juan: Dok, bakit po bago nyo gamutin ang pasyente, tinatanong nyo kung ano ang kinakain nila at kung saan restoram kumain?
Doktor: Magandang tanong yan, alam mo, sa kanilang sagot ko ibabatay ang aking professional fee.

* * * *

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourescent light strips across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over blaackward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

* * * * 

2 things remain consistent through the years:
The ON & OFF Phenomenon.
GF puts on her lipstick & BF wipes it off.
GF puts on her panty & BF takes it off!

* * * *

Fairy Godmother: Cinderella, you better be home by midnight or else your pussy will turn into a pumpkin!”
Cinderella returns at 4am with a big 🙂 & a 😉 on her face. She tells her godmother: “Guess who I met last night, Peter the pumpkin eater.”

* * * * 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,”I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
“Thank God,” said an elderly nun in the back. “I’m so tired of Chardonnay and Merlot.”

* * * * 

Man is having a drink at a bar when a gorgeous woman walks in. Man, not being too shy, sits next to her. He buys her a drink, then another and then another. After this and the small talk, man asks her back to his place for a good time.
Lady: Look, what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!
Man: OK, so how many does it takes?

* * * * 

We are organizing the Phil Economic Council 2 Promote Elimination of Corruption (acronym “PECPEC”). Your membership has been pre-approved!

* * * *

It was once said that a black man would be President “when pigs fly.”
Indeed 100 days into the Obama presidency… Swine Flu! 

* * * *

On Signs... 

@ petshop in Ortigas – Pussies & Bitches
@ internet cafe in a squatter area – Cafe Pindot
@ boxing gym – Blowjob
@ beerhouse in Cavite – Chickpoint
@ kambingan – Sa Goat Kita
@ fish ball cart near UST – Eat My Balls
@ Massage parlor – Massage Only. God’s Watching!

* * * *

“Hinding-hindi na talaga ako iinom ng alak…. … Isasabaw ko na lang sa kanin.”

* * * *

A man sat next to a pretty woman on a bus and said, “Damn girl, you’re so fine! You have a cute face, pretty teats, and I bet you got a nice ass!”

She whispered, “Wait till you see my dick.

* * * *

There was a girl who was still so in love w/her ex-bf that she decided to ask him out again. On their dinner date, she asked him if he still loves her, but he didn’t answer.
Instead, he held his ex-GF’s hand & placed it on his chest.
The girl cried, stood up & hurriedly left.
Coz na-feel nya na may boobs na ang bruha!

* * * *

UBE JOKE
Kung nahulog ka sa hagdan at maraming nakakita..
Stand up..
Wag kang magpahalata..
JUST SAY: ANONG PAKI NYO KUNG GANUN AKO BUMABA???!

* * * * 

INSIK: ako kiskis lng TT sa MAID pelo HINDI pasok, sama ba?
PARIkiskis o pasok PAREHO din
INSIK: ganun b? Oke, ako KISKIS lng PELA sa donation box pelo d pasok

* * * *

Single women complain that all good men are married, while married women gripe about their lousy husbands.
Thìs confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. 

* * * *

Tinik ay bone sa English.
Bone ay buto sa Tagalog.
Buto ay seed sa English.
Seed ay binhi sa Tagalog.
Ang gulo di ba? Eh,ano na nga sa Tagalog ang English?

* * * *

LIBRARY NOTICE! Our records show that the book you borrowed “How To Fuck Dogs” is overdue. The book you requested “Small Penis & Proud” is now available..

* * * *

Man’s Answering Machine:
Hi. If you are the phone company, I already sent the check. If you are my parents, send me money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.”

* * * *

A big man ambles into men’s room and does a double-take at the little guy at the next urinal. He’s holding his “snake” with two hands and smiling.
BigMan: How long is the snake fella?
SmallMan: 14 inches.
“Is that 14 inches soft?”
“Yes.”
“Well, how long is it when it’s hard?”
“I don’t know… It takes so much blood, I faint!”

* * * *

During the Pacman-Hatton bout, did you catch Sir Tom Jones when he sang the British national anthem, ‘God Save the Queen?’
Before the first round could ever finish, he was heard singing ‘God Save Hatton.’

* * * *

May you be showered with more girls or may more girls give you shower or may you share more showers with more girls. Whatever.

,/< <<<,
! -, – !
(” _ “)
> ),( <

Malungkot ka ba?

Naiiyak?
Natutulala?

Ganyan talaga
pag matigas
ang
ebs mo!

Konting tiis lang,
mpuputol din yan!

* * * *

Alam nyo ang cmple lang ng buhay ko…
Manigarilyo ng Marlboro…
Uminom ng GSM Blue…
Di uuwi sa bahay ng 1ng araw…
Mang gago sa ktxt…
Manlait sa mga tao at tsaka…
BIBLE STUDY!!!

* * * *

When you look into the eyes of Sen. Lapid, what do you see?
… the back of his skull. ü

* * * *

A drunken woman goes to a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Gimme a beer.”
The bartender then asks again, “Anheuser-Busch?”
To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?!!”

* * * *

Sen. Lapid: “Bird Flu, ok pa,pero Swine Flu, hindi ako bilib!!!
Paano lilipad ang baboy?”

* * * *

What’s the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she’s melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet. 🙂

* * * *

Woman went to a doc asking for bigger breasts. Doc gave her choice of either having an implant or wearimg a special bra. When you flap ur arms up and down, the bra inflates. Woman chose bra.

Next day, she saw an attractive man at a bar. Flapping her arms, she walked over to flirt with the guy. Man started flapping his legs. ‘I see we have the same doctor,’ the man said.

* * * *

ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE.

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