M A R U I S M

Teacher: Write a sentence ending with HAND.
Juan: My penis in ur hand!
Teacher slapped juan…
Juan: Sorry I forgot to put space between pen and is… 

SMS courtesy of Wow-Kalabaw

* * * * 

“IBON”

-sagot ni Manny Pacquiao nung tinanong sya kung anung brand ng make up ni Jinky.

* * * *

Two kids talking:

RICH KID: “sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes,God breaks our spirit to save our soul.Sometimes,He breaks our heart to make us whole.Although we can’t have everything we want,we can want everything we have…”

POOR KID: “ang damot mo naman! pahiram lang ng PSP dami mo pa sinasabi!”

* * * *

Little Girl: Mommy, Mommy! What!’s an orgasm?
Mommy: I don’t know dear, ask your father.

* * * *

Sportscaster: Manny,u ezily KO d hitman hatton n d 2nd round, wats ur teknik?
Manny: I mean.. Wel..Ahhh. ‘ya know ah. I bluff him w/ my right,ah.and den he4got myleft, u see, I HAV 2 HANDS d left & d right, I hold dem up high so clen & bright, den box dem strongly 1,2,3, so clean little hands are gud 2 see! NOW UKNOW…

* * * *

NENE: manong, kelan kayo mgpapakasal?
IGOROT: sa kabilugan ng buwan.yun ang tradisyon nmin.
NENE: kayo po sir?
SIR:  ahh… sabi ni mama…pag bilog na ang tiyan!

* * * * 

MARAHANG tanong sa girl:
Did it slide in smoothly?
Oo naman!
Masakit ba?
A little!
Masikip ba?
Medyo!
Ipasok pa natin konti?
Yes, may space pa!
How is it na?
Just right!
Feeling?
Wonderful!…
Sige babayaran mo na sa counter …
SHOES SOLD!

* * * *

ThÉmÉ Söng ng EÄt BülÄgÄ :
“PülÄ Äng Ärì
hÄnggÄng dülö,
SÄÄn kÄ mÄn Äy
kÄntütÄn tÄyö,
IsÄng ìköt,
IsÄng tüwÄd,
Büöng bÄyÄg…
EÄt…mö lÄhÄt!”

* * * * 

wEn things türn
0ut bäd & ur 
Penis s n0
löngEr Enuf 2
cArry 0n, U
mUst nEvèr givE
up c0z wEn ùr pEniS’
strEngth Ends..
ur tOngüe’s äbiliTy bEgins..Ü

* * * *

LAWYER to client: “I’ve got good news & bad news. The court has acquitted you & your wife has left you.”

CLIENT: “THAT’S GREAT! REAL GREAT! SO, WHAT’S THE BAD NEWS ?”

* * * *

The blame:  “If you feel that I am falling for someone new, its not because I love the person, its because you weren’t there under the tree to catch my fall.”

The answer:  ”When you thought I wasn’t there to catch you, its because you never gave me the chance. You haven’t reached the bottom. Yet you already grabbed a branch.”

                                                                                                                                     – inglesero’t ingleserang unggoy na nagmomoment

* * * *

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said to her hubby, “you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” he replied. “Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead skunk.”

* * * *

A young student wrote home  to his fmily:

Dear mom & dad,

I haven’t heard from you in a month. Please send a chek so i’ll know you’re all right.

* * * *

Tag-araw?
problema kc mainit..
Tag-ulan?
Problema kc malamig..
Pero kaya mong lampasan yan.
Ang masaklap pag
TAG-LIBOG.. Problema mo tlaga yan!

* * * *

“Doctor, I need your help,” said a woman.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. Thats a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?”
“Yes. He’s perfectly ok. He is just isn’t enough for me.You’ve got to help me!”
“Er…. Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did!! In fact I have eight lovers… And I still don’t get enough sex!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them its an anomaly. They all keep telling me I’m a whore!”

* * * *

Why I fired my secretary???

Last week was my birthday & I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant & say, “Happy Birthday!” & possibly a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… they will remember.
My kids came bounding down the stairs to breakfast & didn’t say a word. So I left for the office somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, “Good morning, Boss, & Happy Birthday!” I felt a bit better that at least someone remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane came in & said, “You know, it’s such a wonderful day outside & it’s your birthday, what do you say we go out for lunch, just you & me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch in a quiet bistro with a private table, and I enjoyed it tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “Let’s drop by my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me & said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK,” I nervously said.
She went into the bedroom & after a whìle, she came out carrying a huge cake followed by my wife, my kids, & dozens of friends singing, “Happy Birthday!”

And I sat there…

on the couch…

NAKED!

* * * *

Above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike.