“Pers taym ko dito sa Bigas…”
-MOMMY DIONISIA sa Las Vegas
* * * *
A policewoman with note pad in hand to drunk man: “Anything you say will be taken DOWN.”
Man replies, “Panties!”
* * * *
Pacquiao: Wala ka! Talo ka na kht an0ng gawin mo!
Hatton: Pagandahan nlng tau ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wla namang ganyanan! i mean, U know!!!hehe.*.
* * * *
Panic vs. Anxiety:
Anxiety is when for the first time a man can’t do it the second time.
Panic is when for the second time he can’t do it for the first time.
Tulog ka na lang!
* * * *
‘Mga Manliligaw”
Airforce: nay sgutin lng aq ng anak nyo,ili2pad ko sya hanggang langit..
Navy: pg aq cngot ng anak nyo,ipa2syal q sya s kragatan..’
Marines: tpang q nman nay,wlang msmang mangyari s anak nyo..
Army: nay maiba nga po tau ng usapan?san na ho anak nyo?
NANAY: Wla na, itinanan na ng Police!
* * * *
Sex is like coffee. Sometimes, you really like it hot. Sometimes, you like it sweet. The finer the grind the better. Don’t settle for instant and use filter to be safe.
* * * *
A bed is just a material thing… until someone you meet gives it the best moaning. Este….. Meaning pala! 
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Cop coming upon a young couple making out…
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We’re necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.
* * * *
Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, “Come this way,” and heads towards the back of the store.
“If I could come that way,” she tells the retreating clerk, “I wouldn’t need the batteries.”
* * * *
Heart ECG when having sex with wife
_,-._/l_,-._/,_,-.
ECG when having sex with GF
_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l_/l!!!!
ECG if wife catches u with GF
________
* * * *
At a church raffle, Bob won d 3rd prize- a DVD player. The 2nd prize of a box of cookies went to John who naturally complained, “What is this – cookies for 2nd prize?”
D emcee explaind, “They were baked by the minister’s wife.”
John: “Screw the minister’s wife!”
MC: “Ah, that’s the 1st prize!”
* * * *
A Condom Slogan:
Don’t let your affection give you an infection.
Put some protection on that erection!:-D
* * * *
A couple was taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.
Ma said sofly, “Hold my hand.”
Pa obliged…..
A bit later, Ma says, “Pa, kiss me?”
So he kisses her.
A little further along, she says, “Pa……”
“Damn it, Ma!” snapped Pa. “Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!”
* * * *
Inspired by the TV ad of Mayor Jojo Binay, Makati City is set to adopt a new slogan, “Kalimutan ang mga pangarap. Sa Makati, masarap maging mahirap!”
* * * *
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each othe later…
OL1: Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?
OL2: Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!
OL1: … Yeah, and cold, too!
* * * *
PACMAN: binali wala ko yong sabi ng WHO (World Health Orgn na mag pa quarantine kasi ang kinilala ko lang ang WBO, WBC at WBA.
Kalokohan din sabi nilana wag mg beso beso para hindi mag ka swine flu. Ano ko gago na magbeso beso sa…
baboy??!!
* * * *
“Ang tagal na natin nagsama! Hindi naghiwalay!
Natuto ka lang mag-mouthwash, pinalayas mo na ako.
Yabang mo!”
- BAD BREATH (galit)
* * * *
How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroid?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you…
up the arse with her clitoris.
* * * *
There were 3 babies sitting to each other in shopping carts at a grocery check-out line..
Baby1: ugh, look at this, my mom just bought strained plums!
Baby2: you think that’s bad, my mom just bought pureed spinach!
Baby3: you think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy who smokes cigars!!!:-D
* * * *
May nagpa-translate sa akin ng signage sa Pilipino, “EMERGENCY EXIT.”
Ang sabi ko, “Madaling Labasan!”
Tama ba? Parang bastos yata!:-P
* * * *
CLASSIFIED AD:
“Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lovers.”
* * * *
A man came home and found a note from his wife stating that she had gone to a nudist colony. He went up to the place and asked her why she’d done it.
She replied, “I told you I would! Maybe be next time you’d believe me when I tell you I’ve got nothing to wear!”
* * **
Berto: uwi na ako at gusto ko nang hubarin ang panty ng misis ko!
Juan: hot na hot ka na pare?
Berto: hindi, masyadong masikip sa akin eh.
Hehe… Bumigay si Berto! ^^
* * * *
Kwentuhan sa airport:
Sa America: 911 is very fast, five minutes after the crime, the police are already there to assist.
Sa Japan: mas mabilis, kasi sa mga bullet trains nila, kaya 3 minutes after the crime, on the scene na ang mga investigators nila.
Sa Pinas, panis sila! 10 minutes before the crime, nandun na mga pulis… ngeeeekkk!
* * * *
Family planning:
The art of spacing your children in proper distance to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
* * * *
Gf:”gaan0 m0 q kamahal?”
(bf knuha ang kmy n gf at pnas0k s loob ng brief)
bf:”ikaw lang ang dhlan s bwat pgtigas nit0..”
h0w swit?!kkakilig nman..
* * * *
Roland told his blonde friend Candice, “You know what, I spent 4 years in college taking medicine.” Candice asked, “Well, did you finally get cured?”
* * * *
ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE
