M A R U I S M

Sexy woman spots attractive man n a party. She approaches him.
WOMAN: My name is Carmen
MAN:  A beautiful name, is it a family name ?
WOMAN: No! Its a name I gave 2 myself 2 reflects d things I love most – cars & men.What’s ur name?”
MAN:- B.J. Titsengolf.”

SMS courtesy of Defpotec

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Ang pilipinas ay may humigit 40,000 na pokpok. Kumikita cla ng mahigit P1000/day. Icipin nyo 40,000 x 1000=P40M. Tapos P40M X 365days = P14.6Bilyon/year. Imagine! Hindi kaya pekpek ang sagot sa krisis ng ating bansa?

SMS courtesy of Defpotec

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Amo: Inday, may importante akong tawag na hinihintay. Sagutin mo agad.
Inday: Yis, ser!
(dalawing ring. sa pagmamadali ni Inday, nauntog sa pinto.)
Caller: Helo?
Inday: Midyu!

* * * *

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, you can remove your bra na.
MODEL: Ha? Wala naman sa contract natin yun ah!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Rereklamo ka pa jan, eh kanina ka pa walang panty ah!

* * * *

What is a hymen?

It’s a thin sheet of flesh like a membrane inside a vagina. It’s primary purpose is to greet entering penises… “HiMen!!!”

* * * *

Wife: Ed, may bagyo daw…
Ed: Ano ngaun?
Wife: Mag undertym ka na..
Ed: Uuwi na ko? Uy may balak ka ha… malamig kasi!
Wife: Tanga! Yung mga sampay mo dito mababasa!

* * * *

Day by day,
we learn to grow.
In growing,
we learn to give.
In giving,
we learn to love,
and in loving we learn to Fuck…
oops, bakit naging bastos?

* * * *

A love-starved spinster was desperate that she went to a newspaper office and asked about putting an ad in the ‘Lonely Hearts’ column.
“Well, ma’am,” a male assistant said, “we charge 20 bucks per insertion.”
“You don’t say,” the spinster said, “here’s a 1000 then, and to hell with the ad!”

* * * *
Answering Machine Recording:
“You have called the Breast Self-examination Hotline. Please press 1 now…….
Now press the other one.”

* * * *

Tips sa pagpasok ng motel:
1.Itanong s roomboy kung may HAYDEN CAMERA b ang mga rooms.Kung wala ok,safe k
2.Pgpasok s room wala k nang kaba.Kya ma eenjoy mo n ang KATRI-NILA
3.But 2 be sure takpan mo ng BELO ang mukha mo. Baka makuhanan k ng KHO-dak lagot na.~

* * * *

Katrina’s never gonna dance again,
Guilty Hayden have got some rythym
and its easy to pretend, Katrina knows Hayden’s not a fool
Should have known better than to hide the cam, the wasted chance Hayden have been given
So Katrina’l never dance again, the way she danced with Haydenkho..
..Ooohhhh2x! (careless whisper, Katrina Halili version)

* * * *

A lady was going to buy a radio for her maid. Before she left the house, the maid said, “Ate, ang kunin ninyo yung Ilocano ang salita ha!”

* * * *

During Erap’s time at Malacanang, they installed a very sophisticated telephone system. If you dialed the Malacanang number, this is what is heard:

“Magandang araw po, ang inyong tawag ay nakarating sa tanggapan ng Pangulong Erap. Sa kasawiang palad, siya ay kasalukuyan pang natutulog. Kung mayroon kayong ibang nais makausap, sundin ang mga sumusunod: ‘Pindutin ang isa para sa unang asawa, pindutin ang dalawa para sa pangalawang asawa, at pindutin ang tatlo kung may mayroon kayong maire-rekomenda.’”

* * * *

PGMA: Dear, kumuha ako ng insurance para sa atin.
FG: Anong klase, life insurance?
PGMA: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta natin pag namatay tayo.

* * * *

LATEST SURVEY QUESTION on women: would u sleep w/ Hayden Kho? 2% sed yes, 1 % sed maybe, 97% sed . . never again!

* * * *

WIFE: Hon, if we had a five-minute nuclear ballistic missile warning, what would you do?
HUSBAND: I would make love to you.
WIFE: Yes, but what about the other three minutes?

* * * *

HEIGHT OF POVERTY:
Wife stitching husband’s condom.:-)
HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE:
A young girl applying Clearasil to her nipples thinking they are pimples.;-)
HEIGHT OF AMBITION:
An ant climbing on the leg of an elephant with a motive of rape.B-)
HEIGHT OF UNEMPLOYMENT:
A spider’s web found in a prostitute’s pussy.:-P
HEIGHT OF LAZINESS:
Naked man lying on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest.

* * * *

FVR and Erap were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptous girl raced across their path, totally nude. “Would I love to eat that!” FVR smacking his lips. So Erap shot her.

* * * *

Church notice:
Dear parishioners,
pls don’t leave ur bags, wallets & cellphones unattended.
Others might think
those are d answers 2 their..
prayers.

* * * *

MRS: Bakit kulang ang sweldo mo ng isang libo?
MR: Nag beerhaus ako! Ang P200 binayad ko sa beer. Ang P800, binigay ko sa dancer kasi alang damit, awang awa ako!

*  * * *

Anak: nay, nung nsa bus kmi ni papa sbi nya bigay q inuupuan ko sa dalagang sumakay.
Inay: tama yun anak.
Anak: pero, nay, nakakandong lang ako kay papa nun.

* * * *

THE MOVIE:
JUAN: Pare, gawa ako ng pelikula. Ako ang direktor, ako producer, ako cameraman, ako rin ang bida. Ang title, “Ang Akin Ay Akin At Ang Iyo Ay Akin Pa Rin.” Ano ayos ba?
Pedro: Pare, ang haba ng title, ‘bat di mo gawing “Ang Sugapa.”

* * * *

Confidence is when your wife catches you fucking another woman and you tell the other woman, “Walang hiya! Niloko mo ako sabi mo ikaw ang asawa ko!”

* * * *

Amo: marunong ka maglaba?
Maid: konti.
Amo: eh magluto?
Maid: konti.
Amo: sige, tanggap ka na.
Maid: magkano po ba ang sweldo ko?
Amo: konti…

* * * *

3 girls see a mysterious fluid on elevator.
G1: (smells it) Amoy Zonrox.
G2: (touches it) Ay malagkit!
G3: (tastes it) Naku, meron pa pala akong di kilala dito sa building!!!

* * * *

A banana & a vibrator were on a bedside table. The banana turns to the vibrator and says, “I don’t know what you’re shakin’ for, I’m the one she’s gonna eat.”

* * * *

Contrary to popular belief, hindi TAPSILOG ang favorite ng Pinoy kundi: KANIN, TUYO, TINAPA SA KAMATIS! In short… KANTUTINSAKAMA!

* * * *

Kung ang lahat ng ginagawa nya ay binibigyan mo ng kahulugan, aba! ano ka?
Dictionary?

* * * *

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
“Ha!” he snorted. “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy the damn coat!” “That’s not your chest!” he roars.

“Damn right it’s my chest!” she argued. “Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest and later the family chest… And if you don’t buy me a fur coat… it will soon become the COMMUNITY CHEST!”

* * * *

Girl: ten years from now, magkaibigan pa rin kaya tau?
Boy: Hmm… 10 years? Malay mo, magkaapelyido na tau…

* * * *

Hinatak ak0 ni ibarra na tila isang kagamitang pagaari niya. Habang c Elias nama’y nasa aking likuran.. Nadama k0 ang init ng kanilang damdamin mula s aking kaibuturan.. Halinhinan silang nagtampisaw s matamis na lawang ngayon pa lamang nakadanas ng ibay0ng kaligayahan.

-Maria Clara
(sinaunang 0rgy/3s0me)

* * * *

A small girl became restless as the priest’s homily went on and on. Finally, she whispered to her mother, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

* * * *

A man was worried when his friends told him he look sick.
He consulted the Internet by typing symptoms: ‘I look bad but I feel good.’
Diagnosis by computer: ‘You are a vagina.’

* * * *

Son: Dad, I guess it won’t be long before I have an affair.
Dad: Why, son?
Son: Well, my girlfriend and I held hands for the first time.
Dad: I wouldn’t be concerned about that. Holding hands is a long way from having an affair.
Son: Even if we’re both in the showers at the same time?

* * * *

Boy & girl dancing at a disco. They kiss & stop instantly.
The girl asks, “Are you a MECHANIC?” “No. Why?” replies the boy.
“Well, get your hands from under my MINI!” she countered.

* * * *

A farmer ordered a milking machine, tried it on his dick, and had a wonderful orgasm. As he can’t remove his dick from the machine, he read the machine’s manual, and fainted when he read, “AUTO RELEASE AFTER 10 LITERS.”

* * * *

Dalawang lalaki muntik nang masagasaan.
L1: nakuha mo ba ung license plate?
L2: pano ko makukuha e ang bilis nya. Pero maganda ung driver di ba?
L1: oo nga, nakita mo ba ung brown niyang mata?

* * * *

Biblical ‘Mom-isms’

1. Samson! Get your hand out of the lion. You don’t know where it’s been.
2. David! I told you not to play in the house with that slingshot! Go practice your harp. We’re paying good money for those lessons.
3. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper.
4. Cain! Get off Abel! You’re going to kill him someday!
5. Judas, have you been in my purse again?
6. Noah, you can’t keep these. I told you not to bring home anymore strays!

* * * *

Diarrhea is hereditary…
it runs in your jeans!:)

* * * *

ALL the rest of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.