Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko pag nagka-anak kayo ni Jinky uli, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: 0o naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Dionisia: Hndi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga nay? Anu?
Dionisia: DIOMANJI
SMS courtesy of 9174240636
* * * *
JUAN: lintik na sabon 2! ayaw bumula!
PEDR0: pno bubula yn? hndi nmn basa ktawan mo, tanga!
JUAN: cympre! 4 dry skin 2! bobo!
SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw
* * * *
Kadalasan, ibinabase ng mga girls sa hitsura kung mamahalin ang isang guy. Pero hindi dapat ganun!
Hindi naman sa mukha nakikita yun eh. Kung di sa loob!
Sa loob ng brief! Yun yun eh!
* * * *
Question: Bakit laging present tense ang “I can think?”
Answer: Kasi, kung “I can thought,” bastos ang dating di ba?
* * * *
BF: Alam mo minahal kita ng sobra-sobra! Tapos sasaktan mo lang ako.
GF: Haller! Malay ko bang bago kang tuli ng blinowjob kita.
* * * *
A man had “I LOVE YOU” tattooed on his dick. He went home and proudly showed his wife.
She says, “There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth.”
* * * *
Boy: Kagabi hinarana ko shota ko.
Bok: Swit mo.
Boy: Natuwa sya, hinagisan nya ako ng bulaklak mula sa bintana.
Bok: Talaga? Pero bakit may bukol ka sa ulo?
Boy: Kasi hinagis niya pati paso.
* * * *
There two things men really want women to do in a hurry…
DRESS
and
UNDRESSED.
* * * *
Teacher: Make a sentence using “Neither” and “Nor.”
Student: When girls wear tight fitting dresses, “NEITHER” are they comfortable, “NOR” are we!
* * * *
Madre: patawad po, mother superior, buntis po ako…
Madre Superior: ha? cnung ama?
Madre: c monsignor po!
MS: panung nangyari?
Madre: sbi po kc nya, un daw ari nya ang susi ng langit eh!
MS: ang gagong yun, nun bago palang ako dito sbi nya ang ari nya ang trumpeta ng mga angel…
* * * *
A Chinese sued wife for divorce.
Judge: What’s the reason?
Chinese: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come?
Judge: May be side income.
* * * *
BF: You really sing well.
GF: Oh no I am just a bathroom singer.
BF: Well, then, why don’t you and I practice singing together!
* * * *
A notice at a factory with female workers:
“If your skirt is long, protect yourself from machines in operations. If your skirt is short, protect yourself from men at work.”
* * * *
Suggested names for d new Lakas-Kampi Merger:
1. PALAKA – PArtido LAkas KAmpi.
2. BAKLA – BAgong Kampi LAkas.
3. SALAPI – SAmahan ng LAkas-kamPI.
* * * *
Words of Wisdom:
Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it’s gone.
Sex is like a pack of chips. Once you start, you can’t stop.
Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, it fucks.
* * * *
When a married man womanizes, his wallet gets smaller and vanishes!
However, when he doesn’t womanize, his dick gets smaller and vanishes!
Pumili ka!
* * * *
Hayden and Katrina wer never lovers…….. May M.U. lang sila! (Malaswang Ugnayan!)
* * * *
If the financial fallout continues, by the turn of the decade, only two banks will be operating…
BLOOD BANK and SPERM BANK! No liquidity problem there.
* * * *
Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.
* * * *
Hi! Thank you for your mail order in our sex shop. You asked for the large red vibrator featured on our wall display. Please reselect as that is the fire extinguisher.
* * * *
Sa Las Vegas…
Waiter:May I take ur order Madam?
Aling Dionesia:Soup
Waiter:Chicken asparagus, noodle, fish, soup of the day…?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks at soup pao at soup pas!
* * * *
Juan: anu yan? pinya? penge naman!
Pedro: penge? asan ka nung nagtanim ako? nung nagsikap? nung naghirap? asan?
Juan: nasa kulungan, nakapatay ng madamot!
Pedro: ah cge, kuha ka na, may saging pa dun oh.
* * * *
Estudyante:Buti pa ang saging, may puso! Pero ikaw,sir…wala! Professor: Aba’y kung ganyanan lang, eh…buti pa ang sisig, may utak! Eh ikaw, wala!
* * * *
A GRO is dancing. Public clapping.
She removes top. More claps.
Removes bra. Louder claps.
Removes panty. Silence.
Moral of the story: You can’t clap with one hand.
* * * *
Very rich american undergoing surgery w/rare blood type found Ilocano donor. Grateful, he sent Ilocano BMW, jewelry,P5million. Later american needed moreblood. Ilocano gave again & got only Thank You card & vegetables. Ilocano asked why only this? American explained:
Now I have Ilocano blood in my veins!
* * * *
My aunt is such an alarmist. One cough and she thinks I’ve bronchitis, a headache and she’s sure it’s a brain tumor. One little lie and she thinks I’m destined for POLITICS!
* * * *
A bikini is like a balance sheet…
what it reveals is exciting…
but what it conceals is mind blowing.
* * * *
Pinoy OB-Gyne: Last week I had a patient whose clitoris was like a melon.
Kano OB-Gyne: Impossible. She couldn’t walk if it was tha big.
Pinoy OB-Gyne: You Americans only think of size. I’m talking of TASTE!
* * * *
MAN: Boy, anjan ba dad mo?
BOY: naliligo.
MAN: Mom mo?
BOY: Naliligo din.
MAN: matatapos na kaya sila?
BOY: Tagal pa yun. Humingi sila KY Jelly, naibigay ko Mighty Bond.
* * * *
JOE: How much is the fee for annulment?ATTY: P100,000.
JOE: But I only paid P1,000 for my marriage!ATTY: The price for freedom, my friend, is always expensive!
* * * *
PARE1: Pare, pautang muna ng 5-kilong bigas. Bayaran ko agad pagdating ni misis galing U.S.
Pare2: Cge, pare, kailan pa sa U.S. si mare?
Pare2: Nag-aapply pa lang.
* * * *
MAN#1: My wife & I have OLYMPIC sex!
MAN#2: Wow! She must be very happy!
MAN#1: No; she’s complaining.
MAN#2: Why?
MAN#1: I fuck her only once every 4 years!
* * * *
Girl1: What do you prefer to be? A light bulb or a 10-pin bowling ball?
Girl2: It depends…
if you want to be screwed or fingered”
* * * *
kung may kudeta sa Pilipinas:
american: we fully support the administration..
aussie: we will send troops to the philippines..
chinese: we are ready to help end the political crisis..
japanese: we condemn any unconstitutional grab of power..
pinoy: may klase bukas?
* ** *
Because of the recession we need to make tipid a lot.
Instead of giving women flowers, eat their flowers instead. They’ll appreciate it better!
* * * *
Paikot-ikot lang ang mga QUOTES at JOKES! Pasa dun! Pasa dito! Nabasa na nun, mababasa mo ulit.
Pwede ba wag na lang QUOTES at JOKES ang ipasa?
LALAKE naman please!
* * * *
Sa buhay ko..
daming dumaan..
problema,
pagsubok,
kawalan..
“pero nang dumaan ka”
natawa ako
kasi ung pabango mo..
“VICKS!!”
* * * *
A Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, “Ah, M’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?”
* * * *
Statistical Analysis ng Penis:
Ang length 6 inches,
Ang strokes 50,
Ang fuck 3 times a week,
52 weeks a year,
Ang sex life, 20 years…
so a woman gets
47 kilometers of penis in a lifetime.
* * * *
1. What do you call a pig that does karate?
Answer: a pork chop
2. What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors?
Answer: a piano
3. Why don’t lobsters share?
Answer: they’re shellfish
4. How do angels answer the phone?
Answer: halo
Have a stress free day!
* * * *
ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE
