M A R U I S M

10 Utos Sa Sex:
1. Maligo muna, hndi masarap ang mabantot.
2. Magpainit muna hndi ung pasok agad.
3. Wag iiyak. Ginusto mo yan.
4. Wag magmura kapag nasasarapan. Wala kang kaaway.
5. Wag banggitin ang nasa taas, hndi sya kasali.
6. Wag magmadali, dahan-dahan lang hindi to karera.
7. Wag magkwentuhan habang nagse-sex, wala kayo sa park.
8. Wag umungol ng malakas nakakahiya sa kabila.
9. Bilisan kapag lalabas na, hndi yung makupad.
10. Higit sa lahat iputok sa loob, wag sa labas, para buntis kaagad!

* * * *

Anak: ‘Tay, mag-aasawa na ko.
Ama: Eh, disente at conservative ba naman ang mapapangasawa mo?
Anak: Aba, opo! Wala pong kamalay-malay sa kama eh. Kasi nun mag motel kami di marunong gumamit ng unan, sa halip na sa ulo, sa pwet po inilalagay ang unan!

* * * *

Fat matron drops coin in weighing scale, weighted for a while then a slip of paper came out with message, “SORRY, ONLY ONE CUSTOMER AT A TIME.”

* * * *

A man is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine.
He’s being accused of having sex with some of his patients.
It’s such a stupid waste!
He was the best veterinarian in town.

* * * *

Kung ang pagmumura ay naimbento dati pa, Imagine..
Rizal: f_ _k ! bakit ako dadalhin sa Dapitan?
Bonifacio: punitin ang put*ng ina sedula!
LapuLapu: naka itak lang tayo, pota!
Florante: shet! Ang sarap m Laura!

* * * *

Define ‘in pari delicto’ ~

Man in bed with neighbor’s wife.
Man: Mas malaki ang bubs mo kesa sa asawa ko.
Woman: Sabi ko nga ba eh, yan din sabi ng mister ko, mas malaki daw bubs ko kesa sa asawa mo.

* * * *
Boy1: My dad’s tougher than your dad!
Boy2: Oh yeah? My dad is so tough, he has light bulbs for dinner!
Boy1: Really?
Boy2: Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, ‘Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!’

* * * *

Isang araw habang nanunuod ako, tumabi saken Lola ko..
Ang haba ng buhok at itim na itim ang suot parang malungkot at may hawak na kutsilyo..
KINABAHAN AKO…
nag isip ako..
nagsalita sya..
“Apo, bagay ba sa ‘kin ang EMO?”

* * * *

While waiting for the vote recount in the 2000 U.S. Presidential election, the press interviewed the two rivals. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in entertainment but disagreed on the details.

Dubya Bush stated that there is too much violence in the movies and on TV.

Al Gore stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In short, Bush says there is too much GORE and Gore says there is too much BUSH!

* * * *

Kung ang AHAS ay itim, masungit yan!
Kung ang AHAS ay maputi, mabait yan!
Pero kung ang AHAS ay brown, hay naku, Maghubad ka na Masarap yan!

* * * *

For guys & grls na ang type eh taken na o may iba ng syota..
ALWAYS REMEMBER!
“ang manok, mas madaling mhuli, pag nkataLi na!”
oha oha! very inspiring?!

* * * *

CNN: Tehran Iran- massive vote counting fraud noted in more than 50 councils! Iranians incensed! Garciliano spotted.

* * * *

“It’s really amazing,” the girl told her middle-aged lover as he was reclining on the bed. “You have a beautiful head of gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area.”

“Not so amazing as you think.” he replied. “My brain has to do all the worrying. ‘That Guy down there hasn’t got a care in the world.”

* * * *

An executive entered his new limo.
Exec: Ah, a new driver! What’s your name?
Driver: Charles, sir.
Exec: Sorry but I never call my employees by their first name. What’s your surname?
Driver: It’s Darling, sir.
Exec: Jolly good! Well, drive on, Charles.

* * * *

SURGICAL TERMS:
Appendectomy ~ Removal of appendix.
Masectomy ~ Removal of breast.
Giveittomebaby – Removal of virginity.

* * * *

Today’s Quote:
A BIKINI is like a barbed fence…
It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* * * *

A man was playing golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. To avoid destroying the flowers, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flower bed.

A fairy comes down and says, “thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter.”

“Thank you,” the golfer replied, “but where you last week when I hit the ball into the PUSSYwillows?!”

* * * *

On a notice board, a message was written:
‘A Parker pn lost if found plz return to me.”
The next day, another notice was put up:
“If anybody finds an E plz add it to the spelling of PEN.”

* * * *

A farmer, concerned that his horse had not had a bowel movement for 3 days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very large suppository.

The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the animal’s rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn & systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the

designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its’ rectum, the farmer exclaimed:

“Listen horse, if I don’t findur rectum pretty soon, I am going to stick this thing up ur ass!”

** * *

Girl ask boy after sex: if i get pregnant, what will we name the baby?
Boy: (rem0ving c0nd0m): if he gets out of this, we’ll name him HOUDINI.

* * * *

5 signs na ang 1 lalaki ay tumatanda na:

1. Lumalayo ang paningin, lumalapit ang pag ihi
2. Nakaupo’y inaantok, nakahiga, di makatulog
3. Natatandaan ang nakaraan, limot ang kasalukuyan
4. May naisip ang itaas, walang magawa ang ibaba
5. Dati, matigas na naghihintay, ngayon, naghihintay kelan titigas.

* * * *

“I am Jose Rizal”,an inmate shouted at the mental hospital.
Another one said,”how do you know?”
The 1st inmate said,
“God told me”
a voice from afar shouted,”I did not!”

* ** *

ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE