SEXY: Maawa ka! meron ako, meron ako!
RAPIST: AHH! Walang meron-meron sa kin! TITIKMAN KITAA!!
SEXY: WAG! AY!
RAPIST: Yaakk!! Meron ka nga! Meron kang itlog. Bakla!!!!
* * * *
WIFE: i’m warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR:Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE:kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!
* * * *
kapag may nagsabi sau na hndi ka magaling manamit at magbihis..
sumagot ka ng:
“alam ko! pero magaling naman akong maghubad!”
ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of Chonapie aka Antuken
* * * *
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.. But if the doctor is cute, then forget the stupid fruit… – Katrina Halili
* * * *
Sa Isang museum.
Aling Dionisia: Itu bang pangit na tu ang tinatawag nyung “art”? Pwi! Ang pangit, anka2suka! Pinting ba tu!?
Guide: hindi po mam.. Salamin pu yan..
Aling Dionisia: pak yu!
* * * *
A minister told the cöngregation, “For a change, i want you to help me preach. Whatever word I say, sing whatever hymn that comes into your mind.”
Firtst, the pastor yelled, “Cross!”
They sang “D Old Rugged Cross”.
Then the pastor yelled, “Grace!”
They sang “Amazing Grace”.
Next the pastor shouted, “Sex!”
Silence! Everyone was in shock. Uncomfortable. Glancing at each othr. Afraid to say anything.
Then, at the back, a tiny 90 yr old grandma, stood up & sang,
“Precious Memories…”
* * * *
kung kahanga- hanga ka…
CRUSH ang tawag sayo.
kung mabait at matalino ka…
IDOL ang tawag sayo.
kung kamukha kita…
eh putris!
MAG-ARTISTA KA NA!
* * * *
New single from Ms. Katrina Halili.
”CARELESS ME”
“I’ll never have sex again,
because i might be videotaped by hayden.
I know it’s easy to be sent,
Okay, i know im a fool.
I should’ve known better than to cheat MY friend.
The wasted trust that i’ve been given.
So i’ll never have sex again, the way i did with KHO!”
-kinanta mo naman? Baka naman sumayaw ka pa?
* * * *
A man got two wishes from a genie. He asked for the best wine and the best woman.
Boom!!!
He had a ‘Chateau Petrus’ and Mother Teresa.
MORAL LESSON: Be specific!
* * * *
BOY: Miss, me titulo ka ba?
GIRL: Wala. Bakit?
BOY: Tingin ko kasi pag-aari kita.
GIRL: How sweet! Ilang pages ka ba?
BOY: ( na C0NFUSED) Bakit?
GIRL: ANG KAPAL Mo KASi!
* * * *
Q: Why do ORGASMS exist?
A: Because otherwise, people wouldn’t know when to stop fucking.
* * * *
A sexy young lady was lying on her shrink’s couch complaining how she failed trying to be a secretary, an actress, a waiter, a sales clerk, etc…
The shrink thought for a moment and said, “Everyone needs to live a satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”
* * * *
Between Alzheimers and Erectile Dysfunction, mas mabuti na Erectile Dysfunction.
Imagine a man with a terrific erection asking his wife: “Honey, what is this for?”
* * * *
Nag-aaply sa call center.
Interviewer: What’s your name?
Juan: Mam, my name is JUAN D GREAT!
Interviewer: (nagulat) So what are you applying for?
Juan: Mam, I’m not applying 4, I’m applying only 1.
Interviewer: (tameme) Ahh, so what can you contribute for the company?
Juan: Mam, I got only P100, is that ok?
Interviewer: Tanga, humanap ka ng kausap mo!
Juan: Mam, I can understand Tagalog!
* * * *
Have you heard about the Muslim ’stag party’ for the Muslim groom?
The men were yelling to the sexy stripper, “Show us your face! Show us your face!”
* * * *
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy jumped into a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a green joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door!
* * * *
An English grammar teacher slapped her male student when he asked, “Why is Bra singular when it covers two items, and Panties, plural, when it cover one item?”
* * * *
For his birthday, a boy asked for a 10-speed bike. His dad told him they can’t afford it because of the 5 million mortgage on their house and his mom just lost her job.
The next day, the father saw the boy leaving the house with a suitcase. So he asked why.
The boy replies, “Last night, I was walking past your room and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a 5 million mortgage and no bike!”
* * * *
Anong kadalasan pinag-aawayan ng mag-asawa?
Sagot: Pagtitiwala.
Malinaw?
Ulitin natin para mas malinaw…
PAG TITI WALA!
O, malinaw na?!
* * * *
Sign over door of a divorce lawyer…
“SATISFACTION GUARANTEED, or your Honey back.”
* * * *
Two doctors found themselves on a beach. As a bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, “Look at the legs among that group.”
“Sorry old chap.” replied the second doc. “But I’m a chest man myself.”
* * * *
Similarities of BAR & BRA:
1. Both words have same letters.
2. Both are drinking zones.
3. Both have scheduled times for opening & closing.
4. Both makes men crazy when open.
* * * *
A radiologist was briefing about breast shadows.
He said, “Women’s breasts come in three sizes:
PingPong,
DingDong &
KingKong.”
ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE
* * * *
