A guy goes to bar and told bartender to give him 6 double whiskies. Barman said, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.” Man replied, “Yeah, I found out my oldest son is gay.”
Next day, man was back and asked for same drinks and told the barman, “Just found out my youngest son is gay too.”
On the 3rd day, man came again to the bar ordering another double whiskies. Bartender asked, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone in your family like broads?”
The man shook head and replied, “Yeah, my wife!”
* * * *
A dying Mafia don called for his grandson.
“Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated Colt .45 so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns… how about leaving me your Rolex instead,” the grandson replied.
The don gets a bit pissed off and hissays, “You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da biznes, you gonna have beautiful wife, lotsa money, big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Right?”
“I guess so, grandpops.”
“OK, soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Point to da watch and say… TIMES UP?”
* * * *
One woman says to another, “I can’t understand why you haven’t gone to see that new gynecologist yet!”
“Mine is just fine. I don’t need to change.”
“But the new one’s so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old.”
“Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!”
* * * *
A young woman to her friends, “Yea know, I have never been kissed by any man except my husband.”
One of her friends asked, “Are you boasting or complaining?
* * * *
A Visayan looking for a house in U.S. tells the realtor, “I want a house with a BIG DICK facing the bitch.
Realtor: (confused) But which do you prefer the DICK or the bitch?”
* * * *
Quote of the Day:
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand!” – Woody Allen
* * * *
A blue whale ejaculates over 400 gallons of sperm but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate.
So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads.
You still wonder why ocean water is salty?
* * * *
A cardiologist marries a gynaecologist and were blessed with twin girls.
Guess what they name them…
Angina and Vagina.
* * * *
Boy: i love u..
Girl: ahhh…
Boy: sabi ko, i love u..
Girl: oo nga, narinig ko.
Boy: eh, bat di ka sumasagot??
Girl: bakit? tanong ba yun?
* * * *
BJ ADVISORY:
1. Pagnilunok lahat, love ka niya.
2. Pag-ipinangmumog, nagyayabang siya.
3. Pag idinura, huwag mag-alala, may buhok lang na napasama.
* * * *
The worst thing na pweding sabihin ng tatay o nanay sa anak…
“kung alam ko lang ng magiging sakit ka nang ulo…
ipinunas na lang kita sa kumot…”
- it hurts! 
* * * *
APO: Lola, ano ho ang ibig sabihin ng COMPANIONSHIP?
Lola: Yan ang pagsasama ng isang ***ng malambot at kiking tuyot na!
* * * *
Know the difference between STRENGTH and STAMINA?
Strength is when you can hang a wet towel on his dick.
Stamina is when you can leave it there till it dries.
* * * *
Advantages of tattooing a $1000 bill on your dick:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can watch your money grow.
3. Your girlfriend can blow as much money as she wants!
* * * *
PEDRO: may ka-eyebol ako mamaya, anu kaya ang itsura nya? Kasi sabi niya may kamukha siyang celebrity, “Sh” ang cmula ng name.
JUAN: jackpot ka Pedro! Baka Sharon o Sheryl yan!
(matapos ang eyebol, umuwi si Pedro)
JUAN: kumusta eyebol mo? Bakit ka malungkot?
PEDRO: SHrek pare! SHrek!
* * * *
ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE
