In the confessional:
MAN: Father, I confess I slept with the priest from the church across the street.
PRIEST: Very well my son, 5 Hail Marys.. but remember next time that THIS is your church & I’m your priest!
* * * *
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new fancy and expensive bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike?”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied, I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the dad said, “tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the son said, “every night you were gone, our neighbor, Mr. Jones would come over to see Mom. He’d give me 100 bucks and tell me to take a hike!”
* * * *
Daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor.
She tells doc, “Big Chief no fart.”
The doc told her to give him 3 pills a day.
Girl was back next day with same complaint.
The doc became worried and tells her to give him 10 pills every hour.
The next day girl comes back crying and says, “Big fart no Chief!”
* * * *
At a card shop. A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.”
A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”
“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
* * * *
He’s teaching arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once, he kissed her twice & said, ‘Now that’s addition.’ And he added smack by smack, & she sweetly gave the kisses back & said, ‘Now that’s subtraction.’
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, and both smiled and said, ‘That’s multiplication.‘ Then Dad appeared and kicked the kid 3 blocks away & said, ‘That’s long division!’
* * * *
Confucius says:
‘Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand.’:P
* * * *
A prostitute visits a colleague who is having a heart transplant. She’s worried so she talks to the doctor.
Girl: I’m worried, doc, what if her body rejects the organ?
Doc: She’s 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?
Girl: She’s been working since she was 19.
Doc: Hmm, 17 years and since then she hasn’t rejected an organ yet!
* * * *
A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy “playing wedding.” The wedding vows went like this:
“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”
* * * *
Lola: Ikulong nyo ang asawa ko, kasi puro dogstyle ang gusto nya!
Pulis: Lola, wala pong illegal sa dogstyle!
Lola: Pero inaamoy lang nya, tapos iihian!
* * * *
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a fancy resto. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving main courses she lets loose a bombastic fart.
Trying to save face, she says to waites, “Sir! Please stop that immediately.”
“Certainly, madame,” replies waiter with a bow, “but which way was it headed?”
* * * *
Definition of Honeymoon...
The vacation a man takes before beginning to work under a new boss…
* * * *
Wife: Hon, at our age, ano kya ang best position sa sex?
Husband: Cguro, PUPPY style na lang!
Wife: ano yon?
Husband: Papindot-pindot at Papinger-pinger na lang!
* * * *
GF: Love, sarap pala ng first kiss.
BF: Oo, masarap talaga yun, 1st time mo pala mahalikan?
GF: Oo, 1st time ko! Kasi yung mga ex-BF ko gusto kantot kaagad eh! 
* * * *
8 Things We’ve Learn From Watching Porn:
1. Women wear high heals to bed.
2. Man are never impotent.
3. Women always have orgasms when men do.
4. All women are noisy fucks.
5. Men always groan OH YEAH when they cum.
6. A common & enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his limpid dick & slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
7. Asian Men don’t exist.
8. Women look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers & find a cock there!
* * * *
Lahat ng bagay, pag nagfall, may binabagsakan.
If you fall from a tree, sa lupa ang bagsak mo.
Kapag sa stairs, sa sahig ang bagsak mo.
What if you fall in love? Syempre, sa kama na ang bagsak mo!
* * * *
Matamis man ang pakwan,
mas matamis pa rin di hamak ang nakilala,
minahal,
niligawan,
hinalikan at
niyakap…
bago nagpakwan.
* * * *
Chinese father and son were very close that they even go together for ‘birds.’ (Sino term for prostitutes)
The son decided to study abroad, and before he left, the father said, “Son, we can’t look for chickens together, so if you need to look for them, go ahead and I’ll pay for it. But make the bill for ‘Shooting Bird’ so your Mom won’t suspect.”
After a month, the father received bill for ‘shooting bird’ of €700 and let it passed. For the next several months the bills doubled, and the father suggested to him to try cheaper birds.
A month later, the father receives a new bill:
Shooting Bird – $50
Rifle Repair – $2000
* * * *
May isang Albularyo..
lahat ng halikan, gumagaling.
sakit ng ulo, hinalikan ung ulo, gumaling.
Lahat napagaling.
Isa lang di nya napagaling…
ALMORANAS!
ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE
(sa loob ng beerhaus)
GRO (habang sumasyaw): ganito po sa amin, walang maayos na trabaho. Walang 2mu2long..
MAR R0XAS: anak, tumabi ka.. ako gigiling!
SMS courtesy of Wow-Kalabaw
* * * * *
BOY1: Ang kamote ni Lolo sobrang laki 1 araw namin kinain.
BOY2: yUng pakwan ni itay 3 araw namin kinain!
BOY3: La yan sa MANI ni inay, gabi-gabi kinakain ni itay di pa rin UBOS.
SMS courtesy of Wow-Kalabaw
* * * *
_”PaNo mAkAkAbUo kUnG hNdi aKo paPaToNg sAyO” -LeGo
“bAkiT mO aKo BiNiBiTin kUnG keLan kAiniTaN aT bAsAnG-bAsA aKo” -SiNaMpaY
“PaiNiTin mO aKo.. KaiLangAn kOnG PuMuToK pArA aKo’y MaTikMaN aT iKa’Y MaSaRaPaN” -PoPcOrn
..kitang kita ang mga greEn miNDeD..hehe!
SMS courtesy of Wow-kalabaw
* * * *
A philosophy prof asked his students juz 1 questi0n 4 der final exam, the questi0n is
“h0w r u going to make me believe dat dis chair infront of u is
invisible?”
it to0k ol of da students 1h0ur 2 finish writing d answer exept for 1 lazy student who only to0k 5 secs.
Aftr dat day d results r already posted.Dlazy student got d highest score, know wat his answer is?
“what chair?”
Lesson:
-dont make simple things in LIFE complicated..
SMS courtesy of Chona
* * * *
