MARUISM

“it’s one in one.” - tawag ni Manny Pacquiao sa H1N1…

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A gay was joining the army but came late for the physical exam.. The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspecti0n.
He lo0k & shouted,  ” Diosko! Maloloka ako! An0 ito? Eat all u can?!”..

Above 2 SMS jokes courtesy of Antuken

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AMAZONA:
Sa wakas!
Ako huli din LALAKI! Tagal na hindi ako tikim UTEN!
BIHAG: Wow! Swerte! Ang seseksi nila!
AMAZONA: Hugas niyo mabuti UTEN, bago LUTO!

SMS courtesy of wow_kalabaw

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Boss:(galit) ang gusto ko sa scretary ay listo at hindi absent-minded!!! Napahiya ako sa meeting dahil sa kagagawan m0!
Secretary: s0rry,hindi ko naisara ang zipper mo!

SMS courtesy of wow_kalabaw

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Tanong: Kailan mahirap matulog?
Sagot: Kapag masarap ang katabi..
Tanong ulet: Kelan mahirap gumising?
Sagot: Kapag pagod kagabi!

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Manny Paquiao inquiring about UP Diliman admission:
Phone Operator: UP, good morning!
Manny: Is this Diliman?
Operator: No.This is Padre Faura.
Manny: Aw, Suri Fader!

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Pare1: muntik di ko makilala ung inaanak ko!
Pare2: bakit?
Pare1: dalagang dalaga na! nung huling kita ko eh..
BINATANG BINATA pa siya!

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Gretchen and Aling Dionisia sa sosyalang party.
Gretchen: Hay, Tony Boy just bought me a diamond ring.
Aling Dionisia: anak ko benile ako ng 10 diamond reng para lahat ng pengers ko may reng.
Gretchen: Really? Tony Boy also gave me a yacht.
Aling Dionisia: Naku, sori ha. Sayo pala yun? Pina-tow ko kase naka park sa benili kong dagat!

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Question: Why do women wear panties?
Because occupational health and safety standard states: “All manholes must be covered when not in use.”

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Men think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent she is.
But the fact is that the larger a woman’s breast are, the less intelligent men become!

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There are only THREE WAYS pra SUMiKAT ngaun..
1. Magkaroon ng A(h1n1)virus and
2. Gumawa ng SCANDAL.
3. Maging kalaguy0 ni Aling DIONISIA..

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Newly wed couple celebrated their first night doing what newly weds do all night long.
Next morning, the new wife saw unaroused part of hubby’s body asks, “What’s that ?” and points to a small part of his anatomy.
Husband replies, “That’s what we had so much fun with last night.”
She again asks, “Is that all we have left?”

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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
Shopkeeper: Are they twins?
Woman: No, he’s 9 and she’s 7. Do they look alike?
Shopkeeper: No, I just can’t believe you got laid twice!

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Women’s tennis is more complicated to watch, because in every shot three balls bounce and you become confused as to which ball to watch!

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For toothpaste ad, they show the teeth.
For shampoo ad, they show the hair.
For facial soap, they show the face.
Pero bakit sa Whisper napkin, walang showing? Unfair naman!

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A boy studying the early days of Mormonism wrote on his paper: “The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having one wife. This is called monotony.”

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God created woman, & she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, “Is there anything on you that you’d like to change?”
She said, “Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?”
God snapped His fingers & it was done.
She exclaimed holding the 3rd breast in her hand, “What shall I do with this useless boob?”
And God created man!

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An old lady can’t identify the sexes of a pair of parrots she bought. She spent weeks staring at the cage and eventually sees what comes naturally. To be sure, she cuts out a ring of cardboard and puts it around the male’s neck.

A little later, a priest visits the old lady. Male parrot takes one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, “I see she caught you at it, too.”

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In the 1960’s, activists sported an afro (a large bush-style hairdo) to show support for civil rights.

A man arrived home smiling & told his wife that he’d teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style. His wife sneered, “Great… just great… now during foreplay I’ll have to look for a needle in a haystack.”

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JUDGE: Before you take your oath of allegiance, let me ask you a few questions.
KABISE: Yes yul honol
JUDGE: Do u promise to respect d Philippine flag?
KABISE: Yes yul honor
JUDGE: Do u promise to obey our laws & d constitution?
KABISE: Yes yul honor
JUDGE: Do u promise to support our republic?
KABISE: Uwi nalng ako China!
JUDGE: Bakit?
KABISE: Masyado na malami ko suppot! Suppot sa BIR, sa Police sa NBI sa Immigletion! Ngayon pati pa Lepublic? D na kya yol honol. Liit lang akyin tindahan!

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While in bed after few years of marriage, its often noted that husband and wife’s HIPS meet each other often than LIPS…

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LAST FULL SHOW (For Adults Only)
VIRGIN – on the verge but not in
LESBIAN – yet another damn woman trying to do a man’s job
INNOCENCE – a nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice
PMS – penis must suffer
SUSPICION – a nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field
AFGHAN VIRGIN – never bin laden
NUDITY – best form of birth control after 50

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A child at a juice corner, “Daddy is there a machine in which we put JUICE and get a FRUIT?”
DADDY: Oh there certainly is one, my dear, your Mommy!”

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A boss interview four girls for a secretarial position.
Boss: A woman has normally two mouths, what’s the difference between the two?
Girl1: one can talk but the other can’t.
Girl2: one is vertical and the other is horizontal.
Girl3: one is hairy, the other isn’t.
Girl4: one is for my use and the other is for my boss.
Boss: You’re hired!

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Young man at a farm with his uncle for summer. One day the uncle found the young man in the kitchen drinking a large glass of milk.

Young man: I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning. It took me a while to get her started. She must be old & stubbly.
Uncle: (confused) Um son we don’t have a cow… we have a bull!

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One night wife played the “Pambansang Awit” while preparing for sex.
Hubby: Why are you playing that?
Wife: The whole country stands up when the anthem is played. Let me see if it does any wonder for your instrument.

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There was a great discussion among scholars who was the first idiot.

After much deliberation, they concluded it was Adam because when standing completely nude next to a naked woman, he was chewing apples instead of nipples!

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Woman: Dra. Bakit po kaya napaksakit ng dila ko?
Doktora.(iniksamin) normal nman a.
Mister: Dra, di po kaya nagoverheat lang? Kasi madaldal yan.

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A pastor, one Sunday, told the congregation, “Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car.”

One old lady stood up and said, “Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tires on it!”

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The story is told about a PRIEST who accompanied a CONVICT to the ELECTRIC CHAIR. What was he to say to console a Convict about to die? GOODBYE? TAKE CARE? SEE YOU LATER? All these seemed inappropriate & the Priest became desperate for the right words to say. Finally, as the CONVICT got to the ElectricChair, the PRIEST patted the man on the head & said, “MORE POWER TO YOU!”

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The rest of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE

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