MARUISM

APO: Lolo, bakit ka naghahands up kapag umiihi ka?
LOLO: Sabi kasi ng doktor ko, bawal raw sakin ang magbuhat ng mabigat!

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BF: subo m!
GF:paano?
BF:sipsipin mo!
GF:ganito?
BF:oo, tapos higupn mo
GF:ayoko! kadiri!
BF:arte! cge na, masarap yan!
GF: yak! may buhok a dila ko!
BF:syempre BALOT yan!

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Priest: “I understand that your wife converted you to the religion?”
Parishioner: “Ay totoo po Fr. I didn’t believe in hell until I married her.”

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Girl: Darling, wag m0ng paglaruan ang PUSO ko, nag-iisa lang yan…
Boy: TALAGA?
Girl: Oo!..paglaruan mo nalang ang SUSO ko, dalawa pa yan!..

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Question: Ano ang tawag sa putahe na iba’t iba ang luto pero iisa ang lasa?
Answer: Panis!

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PEDRO: may ka-eye’bol ako mamaya, anu kaya ang itsura nya? Kc, sbi nya, may hawig syang celebrity, “Sha” ang palayaw nya.
JUAN: jakpot ka, pedro!  Baka sharon o shasha yan!
(After d eyebol, pedro went home.)
JUAN: kumusta eyebol mo? Bakit ka malungkot?
PEDRO: DiöneSia paRe! DiöneSia.

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World’s 7 most dishonest jobs:

7-abogado (ipagtatanggol ang kriminal kahit mali)
6-beautician (sasabihing maganda ang customer kahit d nman)
5-preschoolteacher (very gud ang drawing kahit pangit)
4-artista (todo deny kahit buking na)
3-tindera (suki tawag kahit ngayon lng nakita)
2-kundoktor ng jeep (sasabihing 2 pa ang kasya kahit puno na)
1-presidente ng Pilipinas (magservice daw sa tao pro nagpapayaman lang sa sarili at pamilya, gusto pang magchacha!)

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“Patient who went to radiology for stomach x-ray was already heavily sedated. But many questions still had to be answered, the last one being ‘where is your pain right now?‘ Through her medicated fog, she answered, He’s at work.’

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Man working at a logging camp. The boss says, “We work 12 hours a day, we eat three meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.”

Man asks, “Why not Thursday?”
The boss replies, “Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel.”

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Recto: Gosh! U are a walking economy.
Neri: Really! Why so?
Recto:Ur hairline is in recession, stomach is on inflation;
I suspect, your Dick is in deep depression

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An old man as he was about to receive anesthesia before the operation told his surgeon-son: “Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if something happens to me…your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”

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Holdaper: Pare, holdap ito. Bigay mo na lahat ng pera mo!
Tikyo: Pare, wala pa akong pera! Bukas pa ang sweldo ko…
bukas mo na ako holdapin!

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First night ng intsik at pinay couple: “Akyen halik iyo pisngi, hmm, AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo dede, hmm, AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo fekfek, hmp, MELON AMOY!!!”

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ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE