Sunday SMS Jokes From Mike

Gloria: Tita Cory, anu ba dapat ko gawin para mahalin ako ng mga Pilipino, para matapos na ang kaguluhan sa bansa?
Cory: Sumama ka sa akin!

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“A 21 gun salute will also be given to Gloria once she dies. But all guns will be aimed at her casket to make sure she stays dead.”

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With her $20,000 feast in New York and $17,000 dinner in DC, PGMA has shown the world the Filipino is worth dining for.:> hindi man lamang nasamid o na choke?

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Erap: Bilib ako dito sa Dept Store, pag di mo kursunada ang nabili mo ,puede isauli, walang charges!
Mayor: Mas magaling dito sa ospital na ito, pag di mo nakursunadahan ang serbisyo, ibabalik ang sakit mo!

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Pare1: Magkasama na pala si Ninoy at Cory sa P500 bill.
Pare2: Oo pero hindi bagay ang mukha nila dun.
Pare1: Bakit naman? Pareho naman silang tunay na bayani.
Pare2: Kasi mayroon ibang mag asawa na mas bagay.
Pare1: Sino?
Pare2: Kaw naman… alam mo na… yung mag-aswang mukhang pera!

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On their 50th wedding anniversary.

GMA: Luv, please whisper to me once again those 3 little words that will set me on fire…
FG: LAKI SUSO MO!

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I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.

The situation: There is a huge floodin progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised & structures destroyed.

Let’s say that you’re a photographer & getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across PGMA who has been swept away by the floodwaters. She is barely hanging on to a tree limb & is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera & save her, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of her as she loses her grip on the limb.

So, here’s the question & think carefully before you answer the quesstion below:

Which lens wud you use? 😛

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Banat ng bitter na EX:

“eh anu naman kung may chemistry kayo?
bukod sa may history tau eh,
i know your anatomy. ”

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Queen Elizabeth & Obama wer visitng d royal stables wen a horse farted very loudly.

Q.E. embarassd, said: I’m so sori.
OBAMA: It’s ok I thought it was the horse!

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Tikyo: pare, alin ang mas mahaba? Bulbol ng babae o sa lalaki?
Pacio: Palagay ko pare, sa babae.
Tikyo: bakit naman?
Pacio: kasi pare, umaabot sa lalamunan ko e!

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At an O.B.gyne clinic, SOP ng doc ang paghubarin alhat ng pumupunta dun habang inaantay matawag # nila.

Girl1:Bastos talaga ng doc na to! Hubo’t-hubad tyo, e magpapa-bp lang naman ak0!
Girl2:Buti ka pa magpapaBP,ako kunin ko lang lab result ko!
Girl3:Swerte nyo,ako kunin ko lang payong na naiwan ng inay ko kahapon e!

* * * *

Apo: Lo,gumagamit pa po ba kayo ng NGANGA?
Lolo:Hindi na. bakit, apo?
Apo: Kasi po mapula po ang LABI nyo, e!
Lolo: Ay lintik yang lola mo nireregla pa pala!

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Mag asawa nag aaway..
Babae: mas ok pa yata kung ngpakasal ako sa dem0nyo.
Lalake: weeehhh! Bawal kaya mgpakasal sa kamag anak..

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Dumalaw si Imelda kay Tita Cory.

Bago pa makapagsalita si Imelda, inunahan na sya ni Tita Cory, “Kung mayroon kang ibibilin para kay Ferdie, huwag mo na isipin yun at di ako patungo duon!”

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Here’s a quote made just for someone like you… It signifies determination, creativity & hope…

“Walang santong lalaki sa…nakalitaw na panty.”:P

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What is love?

  • MATHEMATICIAN: love is undefined.
  • PHYSICIST: love is d force of atracxon btwn 2 hearts.
  • CHEMIST: love is d saturated solution of feelings.
  • PROGRAMER: love is a bug of everything.
  • NOLI DE CASTRO: Pag-ibig ba kabayan? Murang pabahay yan!

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DOC: You have serious heart murmur. Do you smoke or drink?
OLD MAN: No.
DOC: Sex life?
OLD MAN: I do.
DOC: Well, you’ll have to give up half of your sex life.
OLD MAN: Which half, the looking or the thinking?

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A woman was having an affair with a pest control man. One day they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!” She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked. “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” husband asked. “I’m investigating a complaints about moth infestation,” man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

Man looked down at himself and said, “Those little buggers!”

* * * *

Sabi nang isang girl:
“I didn’t kiss your boyfriend…
I just whispered something…
into his mouth.”

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A blonde dragged her bf to court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asks, “How long are you having a sexual relationship?”
“Years, I tell you, years,” she replies.
That’s no answer, you have to specify how long has he been intimate with you?”
“I don’t know exactly, its average, about six inches.” :D

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A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 7 yrs.

Upon her return, her father asked: Where have u been all this time? U didn’t even write or call. U had us worried.

Girl, crying: Dad, i bcame a prostitute!

Dad: What!? You harlot! Go away! Ur a disgrace to this devout Catholic family!

Girl: Ok Dad.I can’t blame u. I just came back to give u this deed to a 6-bedroom bungalow, 2 ferrari cars, 3 million savings acct, and…

Dad interrupted: What was it you said you had become?

Girl, crying again: A prostitute Dad!

Dad: Oh! I thought you said Protestant. Now come here and give your daddy a hug!

* * * *

Tanong sa Beauty Contest:
“kung ikaw ay maganda,
sinong may sabi at saan daw banda?”

* * * *

Anak: Nay, sino po ba si Einstein?
Nanay: Scientist yun, anak. Matalinong tao.
Anak: Yehey, yun ang sabi sa skul na apelyido ko daw. Ibig sabihin matalino ako?
Nanay: Frank ang pangalan mo. Magiging FRANKEINSTEIN ka anak. Monster yun!

* * * *

A woman asks, “Why don’t men get mad cow disease?”
Another woman replies, “Because men are pigs!”

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TV host: Did you pay your last respects to Tita Cory?
Aling Dionisia: Of course not. Why should I pay? That’s free!
Host: Do you think Tita Cory died invain?
Aling Dionisia: She died of cancer colon, not of vein!
Host: Do you condole w/ d family?
Aling Dionesia: No, becoz I am diabetic. Masama ang kundol sa akin. Matamis kasi yan.

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Biblical Funny Questions

Question: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Answer: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because
the apostles were all in one Accord.:D

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SOME DEFINITIONS:

  • ADULTERY – the wrong people doing the right thing.
  • ALIMONY – the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
  • CONSCIENCE – that which hurts when all else feels good.
  • COOKIE – a virgin donut.
  • DOCTOR – a lucky guy who can undress women and go all over them without getting slapped.
  • MASTURBATION – a solo played on a private organ.
  • EXPLORATION – beating around the bush!

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ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE

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