SMS Jokes 08.20.09 (Thursday)

Boy: kukunin q mga stars at aking ibibigay sau.
Girl: shut up! Yan ngang kulangot mo d mo mkuha stars pa kaya!
Boy: sori na, di ko naman alam na eto pala gusto mo

SMS Joke courtesy of wow_kalabaw

* * * *

TITLE NG MGA UP-COMING TITILLATING FILMS:

1. ang kati ng higad mo..
2. bubudburan ko ng niyog ang mainit mong pichi-pichi..
3. lawayan mo baka mausog
4. huwag mong ibabad, isawsaw mo lang..
5. napagod ang bunganga sa laki ng tilapya..
6. huwag mong kamayin baka mapanis..
7. pasalat ng peklat..
8. diligan mo ng suka ang nanunuyo kong lumpia..
9. ibuka mo ang sariwa mong daing..
10. pakaplog, (pandesal, kape, at itlog)..

SMS Joke courtesy of wow_kalabaw

* * * *

JUAN: Pare, nakipaghiwalay ka sa misis mo dahil may nakita ka picture ng lalaki sa wallet nya?
PEDRO: OK, lang kung ibang lalaki.
JUAN: E ano?
PEDRO: Siya raw yun nung BINATA pa sya! :/

* * * *
Nude HUSBAND in new shoes: Do you see something new?
WIFE: No, Your Dick is hanging down as usual..
Angry HUSBAND : Because its looking at my new shoes…
WIFE: Then buy a new HAT!!

* * * *
JUDGE: You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with a DEADLY weapon?
WIFE: You got me wrong, Your Honor. I’m divorcing my husband for threatening me every night with a DEAD WEAPON!:-D

* * * *
One day, the boss placed a sign, “THINK” directly above the sink in the men’s room.
The next day he saw another sign above the soap dispenser. It read, “THOAP!”

* * * *

AMO: Inday, may asawa ka na ba?
INDAY: la pa, mam, pero kung aq mag-aasawa, yoko nung mahilig sa chess.
AMO: Bakit? Anong masama sa chess player? Yan ang hobby ni sir mo ah!
INDAY: Yan nga ayaw ko ke sir eh. Pagnasa kwarto kami ako’y naiinip sa kanya. Ang tagal bago TUMIRA at KUMAIN! :-D

* * * *

Bank robber: ikaw, nakita mo mukha ko?
Bank teller: opo… (BANG! Patay teller)
Bank robber: ikaw! kita mo din?
Client: naku, di po, pero ‘tong asawa at biyenan ko, nakita kayo!

* * * *

PIL: pilyo talaga lolo ko.
YO: bakit?
PIL: nabuking ni lola na may hinalikan syang ibang LOLA.
YO: Paano?
PIL: Ibang pustiso suot ni lolo pag-uwi kagabi. :-D

* * * *
Man sunbathing nude and a little girl came over. He covered himself with a newspaper as she asked what he had under it. Man replied, “A bird.” Girl left and man slept.

He awaken in a hospital in terrible pain. Police asked what happened. He didn’t know.

Police went to the beach and found little girl. They asked what she did to the man. Girl replied, “Nothing! I was just playing with his bird and it spit on me. So I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and burned its nest.” :-D
* * * *

An old gent had an appointment with his urologist who shares offices with several other docs. Waiting room was filled with patients.

Old man noticed that the receptionist was a big unfriendly woman who looked like a wrestler.

As he gave her his name, the receptionist yelled, “Yes, I have your name here, you want to see the doc about impotence, right?!”

Old man was embarrassed and quick wittedly replied in a equally loud voice, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours!”
* * * *

Bill Clinton secured d release of d US journalists. When d plane left, both girls sed they had no idea how to thank him. Bill sed “You know where the zipper is”

* * * *

Sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

Sailor walked up to the Chinese man and asks, “When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”

The old man replied with a smile, “Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers.”

* * * *

A sexy lady spent most of her vacation sunbathing on a hotel’s roof.

One day she decided to do it in the buff for an overall tan.

She hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss, ” the hotel manager said, “the hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would appeciate if you wear a bathing suit as you did the previous days.”

“What difference does it make,” the lady asked. “No one can see me up here. I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not quite, ” the manager said, “you’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
* * * *

Anak:Tay, tulungn mo namn ako s assignment nmin.
Ama:Ano yon anak?
Anak:Ano po ang plural ng rice?
Ama:Ang dali nman,eh di extra rice!

* * * *

BF: Hon, u’r like d sun 4 two reasons
GF: Why?
BF: 1. u brighten my day 2. u’r hot!
GF: How sweet! U’r like d moon n!
BF: Why?
GF: I want 2 see u 2nyt!

* * * *

Anti-GMA Bumper Stickers:

1. Life’s a BITCH, and so is the PRESIDENT!
2. Pekeng Pangulo, na may PEKENG SUSO!
3. Hindi lahat ng GLORIA ay Masarap!
Meron isang NAGPAPAHIRAP!

* * * *

A pretty sexy woman orders 2 shots in a bar.

She downs the 1st, saying, “This is for the shame.” Then she downs the 2nd, “This is for the glory.”

Bartender asks what it’s all about.

She replies, “Well, I’m doing my house work naked and when I bent down, my Great Dane mounted me from behind.”

“That must be the shame,” bartender said.

“No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for 30 minutes.”

* * * *

Typical Laman ng Pinoy Ref:

  • < ketchup na galing sa jolibee, mcdo, pizza hut o greenwich
  • < tubig sa 1.5 Coke litro
  • < nabubulok na calamansi
  • < kaning lamig
  • < peanut butter na wala ng laman
  • < cough sirup o gamot tulad ng tempra o tiki-tiki para sa baby
  • < tinola o sinigang na nag gelatin na ang sabaw
  • < eden cheese na use foil ngbrown na ang edges
  • < electric bill na nkamagnet sa pinto ng ref

Kung meron ka nang mga ito, Pinoy ka nga!

* * * *

SEX FACT:
A man’s dick not only shrinks during cold weather but also from intense nonsexual excitement like when his favorite basketball team scores.

* * * *

Ang swerte pala ng mga guardia!
Talong-talo tayong lahat!
Mga SIKYU pala mauuna sa langit!
Tingnan mo sa Bible,
“Sikyu first the kingdom of God…,” o, di ba?

* * * *

2 old guys were chatting-
1 said to the other:
“My 85th birthday was yesterday. My wife gave me an SUV”.

Other guy responded:
“Wow, thats amazing! Imagine, an SUV!! What a great gift!”

1st guy:
“Yup! Socks, Underwear & Viagra!”.

Rest of the the above SMS courtesy of Mike

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