Breaking news from Noynoy from Zamboanga making a spiritual retreat at the Carmelites monastery. He said I am sorry to inform the Filipino people that I will not seek the presidency of the country.
I liked it so much here that I have decided to be a NUN.
* * * *
Ginagaya ni GMA ang STIMULUS FUND ni OBAMA.
Ang tawag nila ni FG dito ay “STEAL MO LOOSE FUNDS”.
* * * *
Sa renewal of vows nila ni FG at GMA ang wedding march na tinugtog ay “Here Comes The Bribe.”
* * * *
A lesson to all hot mamas: “latigo ang kapalit ng kalibugan”
**tama ka chavit- idol ka namin**
from: UHAW
(union of husband afraid of wives)
* * * *
A guy went to niteclub n saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar. He asks her to dance n she agrees.
While dancing cheek to cheek, guy asks, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl replies it’s Chanel #5. Wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a HARDON, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” said the guy.
* * * *
Bakit masarap magkaroon ng ‘special someone?’
Kasi may taga sabi sayo ng…
“Kamusta araw mo?”
“Ingat ka! Mahal kita.”
AT HIGIT SA LAHAT…
“HUBAD NA!”
* * * *
Let us learn from the Chinese…
An old Chinese man forewarned a visiting man not to mess around with his granddaughter or suffer 3 worst Chinese tortures ever known to humankind.
The man defied the warning so ff morning, he woke up with a huge rock on his chest & on it was a sign: “1st worst Chinese torture: 100# rock on ur chest.” Man laughed & threw rock out of window.
He read on d back of d rock a sign: “2nd worst Chinese torture: rock tied to Right testicle.” He jumped after d rock & outside window, he saw a 3rd sign: “3rd worst Chinese torture: Left testicle tied to bedpost.”
* * * *
There were 2 old-maid sisters.. both virgins. It’s Friday night & Glady’s looks at Betty & says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out & I’m not coming home til I’ve been laid.”
Betty tells her sis to be home by 10pm so she doesn’t have tn worry.
10pm, 11pm, 12 midnight came, there’s no Gladys. Finally at 1am, Gladys came & runs to her room.
Betty came to Glady’s room & asks what’s wrong.
“Betty, it was 10 inches long when it came in.. & 5 inches when it came out. When I find d other half u’re gonna have the time of ur life!”
* * * *
Visiting US for d first time, an Afghan diplomat was wined & dined by the State Dept.
The Mullah wasn’t used to the salt in US food (French fries, cheese, etc.) & was always sending his aide, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
Time & again, Abdul would run off & return w/ a glass of water.
But then came d time when he returnd empty-handed.
“Abdul,you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” asked d Mullah.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” Abdul said, “but a man is sitting on the well!”
* * * *
Man to sexy lady: “I noticed the ‘V’ on your blouse. Does it stand for Valerie?”
Sexy lady: “No, it stands for ‘Virgin.’ Pero LUMA NA ‘TO!”
* * * *
Girl: Alam mo ba, ikaw lang ang naiiba sa lahat ng manliligaw sa akin.
Boy: (ngiti) Talaga? Bakit naman?
Girl: Kasi ikaw lang ang walang pag-asa…
* * * *
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an atty & asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”
“Yes Bubba, that is true.”
Bubba asked, “And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat & clogging their arteries w/ all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?”
“Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?”
“Cause I was thinkin’ maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve been wakin’ up with.”
* * * *
Do you know what the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
Normal baby said, “Ha…ha…ha… your dad’s a jerk off!”…
* * * *
Son: Dad Whats economic recession?
Dad: Before recession it was Wine, Restaurants and Women. . . . . .
in recession its Water, Home Food and Your wife.
* * * *
Once a boy askd G0D:
” is it wrong to sleep with a girl before marriage?”
G0D’s reply:
“no, its not but the problem is..
.. HlNDl NAMAN KAYO NATUTULOG EH, NlL0L0K0 NY0 LaNG AKO.”
* * * *
BUSINESS NEWS:
In lieu of the bankrupt air carrier ALITALIA, the Italian government now have a new airline that flies out of Genoa…
it’s GENITALIA!
* * * *
A couple went to Alaska for a romantic weekend. Their cabin was so cold so girl askd man to go chop wood for fire place.
After 5 minutes, man returned saying his hands were cold. She lets him put them between her thighs to get warm. He did, then goes back out to finish chopping wood.
Again, he’s back with cold hands & puts them between her thighs. He goes back out to chop more wood & returns with cold hands.
Girl asks, “Damn, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
* * * *
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
* * * *
Lone Ranger& Tonto camping n d desert.After dey got their tent all set up, both men fell asleep.
Hrs later,Tonto wakes d Lone Ranger&says, “Kemo Sabe,look towards sky,what you see?”
Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What dat tell u?” asked Tonto.
Lone Ranger ponders for a min den says,“Astronomically speaking,it tells me der are millions of galaxies&possibly billions of planets. Astrologically,it tells me that Saturn’s n Leo.Time wise,it appears tob approx 3am.What’s it tell u, Tonto?”
“You dumber than buffalo shit.It means someone stole the tent.”
* * * *
Vicki Belo’s objection to Carlo Caparas’ National Artist for Cinema. Hayden Kho is more qualified – director na, actor and cameraman pa.
* * * *
This is the latest Pacquiao Family Glossary:
- DEBACLE- Naka sinturon
- BRICK- preno
- EAR- hangin
- LOBE- pagibig
- PLEAT- pinggan
- BOOT- banka
- SHAPE- barko
- WOOL- dingding
- PLOWER-bulaklak
- EDGE- edad
- LAP- tumawa
- NOOSE- ilong
- PEACE-mukha
- PISS- kapayapaan
- TIT- ngipin
- BUNK – banko
- SPAWN- kutsara
- PORK – tinidor
- NILL- kuko
- HEAR- buhok
- WEST- basura
- ERR- tenga
- SUCKS- medyas
- SLIP- tulog
- WEEK- gumising
- DEE- araw
- LEAGUE- binti
- SOUP- sabon
- CHEER- silya
- TASTE- pagsubok
- EAT- walo
* * * *
ALL of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE
