M A R U I S M

* * * *

GMA: I am so busy running the country that I have no time for myself, not even to have sex with my husband. So I just screw the country.

* * * *

Late 70 swinger kumuha ng teenager. In bed he asked: Virgin ka pa?
Teen: Opo sir.
After a torrid and sweaty sex Swinger said: oo nga no nakapasikip at puro dugo!
Teen? kasi spring ng mattress ang tinira nyo Sir.

* * * *

MARIO: Pare, ang bagong kong syota, hanep! Matangkad at sexy!
JUAN: Mas hanep syota ko, pare! Bukod sa matangkad at sexy, maganda at maputi pa!
JOSE: Ano ba naman ang mga syota n’yo, mga pare ko? Sisiw sa akin ‘yan! Ang syota ko, katawan pa lang, hayop na… Pagdating sa mukha, hayop talaga!

* * * *

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, “I have a headache.”
“Perfect” he said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository… it’s up to you!”

* * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Shopping is better than sex. At least, if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

* * * *

MISIS: Mahal, nagustuhan mo ba bagong hairdo ko?
MISTER: Oo.
MISIS: Talaga?
MISTER: Oo basta natatakpan ang mukha mo eh!

* * * *

“Hindi man ako ‘yung taong nauna sa puso mo…
O ‘yung taong higit na nagpapasaya sa ‘yo…
Gusto ko lng malaman mo, ako naman ‘yung taong higit na nalilibugan sa ‘yo.” - isang manyak

* * * *

The Ang Sabongero group s slugging it out w/ d Magmamanok group 4 accreditation by COMELEC as party-list group. Only 1 of dem wil b acreditd. Likewise, The SAMAHAN NG MGA GRO is fighting it out against ALYANSA NG MGA PROSTI. Looks like d latter’s a sure winner in d COMING…

Erection, eh, Election pala.

* * * *

What makes a man thinks he’s so great?
1. He has a belly button that won’t work.
2. He has tits that won’t give milk.
3. He has a cock that won’t crow.
4. He has balls that won’t roll.
5. He has an ass that won’t carry a thing.

* * * *

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he’s all alone in the Garden of Eden.
So God says, “Ok, I’ll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who’ll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue.”
Adam says, “That sounds great.”
God says, “The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam says, “Damn, that’s expensive. What can I get for a rib?”
And as they say, the rest is history.

* * * *

A girl who opens her mind receives WISDOM, opens her heart receives LOVE, opens her hand receives GIFTS, opens her legs… receives hapPENIS. Hmmm… Wrong spelling yata?

* * * *

Sa tindahan ng saging:
Ale: suki pabili ng senyorita
Tindera: eto o..
Ale: Bakit anlaki?
Tindera: Nadiligan ng viagra e, naging lakatan..!

* * * *

DIARY NI INDAY:

sept. 14, 2009

it was a gloomy & rainy day… I was walking alone, sad and desperate. I wanted to close my eyes until a guy came & shared his umbreLLa… he was so thoughtfuL and i was glad. Then I said:

‘thank you’, with teary eyes…

He softly replied:

huwag kang kikilos!

H0LD-UP ito!

* * *  *

“I used to run away from you… because I wanted you to run after me… but I guess at one point, I get tired of looking back to wait for nothing. Now I’m just running away.” - Sabi ng ingleserong Daga sa Pusa

* * * *

A teenage granddaughter went on a date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her Grandma had a fit when she saw her outfit. The teenager tells her, “Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let ur rosebuds show!”

Next day, the teenager saw her Grams sitting on a sofa with no top on… she explains to her Grams that she has friends coming over and this is embarrassing..

Grams replies, “Loosen up! If u can show off ur rose buds, then i can display my hanging baskets!”

* * * *

• Ang taong B0LERO mahilig sa sex,
• ang taong TAHIMIK malupit sa sex,
• ang taong 2 TIMER sabik sa sex,
• ang taong stick to 1 matipid sa sex,
• ang taong di nagrereply,
• Nakikipagsex..?

* * * *

Kissing Pickup Lines:

1. Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
2. You know, my lips aren’t going to kiss themselves.
3. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot using only my tongue–wanna see?
4. My friends call me Sugar Lips, wanna find out why?
5. You’re so hot, I could fry an egg on ur head.

* * * *

One night wife play the national anthem while preparing for sex.
Hubby, “why are u playing this?”
Wife, “the whole country stands up when the anthem is played, let me see if it does any wonder for your dick.”

* * * *

ERAP: Grabe na pala tlga ang crime rate d2 sa Pilipinas, halos lahat wanted..
Eto,
Wanted GR0
Wanted Driver
Wanted Acct.
Wanted Clerk..
pati Yaya wanted!!

* * * *

“I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!”
“Why would you want to divorce him for that?”
“Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he’s married!”

* * * *

Jomari meets ex-GF
Jomari: Is ur new BF better than me?
Girl: U & him are like old & new CRV. Then she walked away.
Jomari does not undrstand so he calls Honda & asks:
“Wht’s d differenz between d old & d new CRV?”
Honda: New 1 has More Power, Better Performanz & is 4 inches longer.

* * * *

ATTENTION mga Bombers ng Cotabato, Jolo at Basilan:
Ang sabi
‘implant ang boobs ni maam’
at hindi ”sabi ni maam iplant ang bombs”!
Mga bingi pala kayo!

* * * *

ANAK: Tay! tignan mo abs ko! 6 pack yan, tay!
TATAY: wow! machong macho na anak ko ah! pano mo nagawa yan, nak?
ANAK: belly dancing, tay!

* * * *

Man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist asks, “Do you have a prescription?”
Man says, “No, but here’s a picture of my wife.”

* * * *

Playboy: First, I’m going to buy you a few drinks & get you a bit loose.
Girl: Oh, no you’re not!
Playboy: Then I’ll take you to dinner & ply you with more drinks.
Girl: Oh no you’re not!
Playboy: Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.
Girl: Oh no you’re not.
Playboy: Then I’m going to make passionate love to you.
Girl: Oh no you’re not.
Playboy: And I’m not going to wear a condom either.
Girl: Oh yes you are!

* * * *

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office and told the receptionist there’s something wrong with his dick.
The receptionist got irritated and said, “You shoudn.’t come here and say things like that! You caused embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have told there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed it with the doctor in private.”
The man walked out, then re-entered after a few minutes.
The receptionist smiled and asked, “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he said.
The receptionist nodded appovingly, “And what’s wrong with your ear?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE