Boy: fetus ka ba?
girl: bakit? daHil cute ako?
boy: hindi. mukha ka kasing pinalaglag. Kumapit kapa!
* * * *
Henry Ford: “God, my invention is perfect.. you invented woman & there are many flaws.
1. Front end is protuding.
2. Rear end wobbles too much.
3. At high speed, it chatters.
4. Inlet is too close to exhaust.”
God replied, “You may be right but statistics show that more men are riding my invention than yours.”
* * * *
SENILITY PRAYER:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. c”,)
* * * *
Men have two emotions…
HUNGRY and HORNY.
When you see him without an erection, make him a meal.
* * * *
NOON:
ANAK: ‘Tay, paguutot ka magsabi ka muna para makalabas kami ng kuwarto.
NGAYON:
ANAK: ‘Tay, paguutot ka lakasan mo. Ire-record natin para gawing “Ring Tone.”
* * * *
Teacher: Why are you rubbing oil on ur head while I am teaching?
Boy: Last night I heard my mum tell my dad, rub oil on the head if it’s not going in!
* * * *
MARE1: 25 years na kaming kasal ng mister ko dahil kung sya ang nagkakamali hindi na lang sya kumikibo.
MARE2: E, pano kung ikaw ang mali?
MARE1: Ah, hindi pa nangyari yun noh!
* * * *
Zoo Manager: You idiot! Why did you leave the lion’s cage open last night?
Zoo keeper: But sir, who the hell would steal a lion? Aber?!
* * * *
Do you know why a previous relationship is called “EX?”
Well, others say it’s because it’s a term for the past.
But for me, “EX” is short for “EXPIRED.”
* * * *
Man1: my wife’s breasts are like coconuts!
Man2: just as big and hard?
Man1: no, just as hairy.
* * * *
Sa swimming pool…
TAO1: Tulong! Tulong! Di ako marunong lumanggoy!
TAO2: E ano naman?! Ako nga di marunong magluto, sinisigaw ko ba?! Tumahimik ka nga!
* * * *
Best Selling Coffee Shops:
1. Starbucks – youngsters, gay dudes, call center agents, at mga feelingera!
2. Mocha Blend – reviewing students at mga yaya na inutusan ng amo.
3. Coffee Bean – rich people at oldies na amoy lupa!
4. Seattle’s Best – foreigners at mga ATE na ka-eyeball nila.
5. UCC – corporate people above 30, hiwalay sa asawa at TIGANG!
6. Figaro – smokers at dating place ng mga bading.
7. Max Brenner – chocoholics at mga nakikiupo lang!
* * * *
Pedro: 20 na ang nagalaw kong babae.
Juan: Ako 50 na!
Max: Ako 3 lang. (tumawa cna Pedro at Juan) Misis ko lang traka misis nyo lang, promise!
* * * *
2 stranded sa dagat nkakapit sa log
Girl:Waaa! Hirap na hirap nko! Ilang araw nako umiinom ng tubig dagat!
Boy:Ganun ba?Mas hirap ako. ilang araw nako nag-e-LBM dito!
* * * *
Once more, Confucius says:
“Erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it, the harder it gets.”
* * * *
MALE ATTY: ”Where in the Bible does it say that man should have only 1 wife?”
FEMALE JUDGE: ‘The part that says ”No man shall serve 2 masters”
* * * *
Secret of Happiness:
Whenever you have to make a decision, listen to your heart. Then your head and then finally do…
What your wife tells you to do!
* * * *
NAGA: Viva La Virgen de Penafrancia!
CEBU: Viva El Senor Sto. Nino!
ILOILO: Viva Nuestra Senora de la Candelaria!
MANILA: Viva HOT BABES!
* * * *
Top 5 Reasons Kung Bakit Minsan Mas Masaya Maging Single:
5. U can date anyone.
4. U have more quality time for ur family & ur friends.
3. U can prioritize ur job.
4. Hindi ka praning sa cell phone mo.
1. Hindi ka nape-pressure na dapat laging maganda underwear mo.
* * * *
BOY: chocolate ka ba?
GIRL: ahihihi!!! banat ba yan?
BOY: hindi! negra ka kasi!
* * * *
TITSER: late ka na naman Juan! Lagi ka na lang ganyan! Sige, tatanungin kita! Who is our national hero?
JUAN: Gat Jose Rizal, mam.
TITSER: Tsamba lng yan!
JUAN: eh mam, kilala nyo ba si Petra?
TITSER: hinde. Bakit?
JUAN: kitam!! Turo kyo ng turo pero kabit lng ng asawa nyo di nyo pa alam!!
* * * *
TEACHER: You’ve been absent with d same excuse. Your Lolo died 4 times in 4 months. Now what is ur excuse?
STUDENT: My lola is getting married to my 5th Lolo!
* * * *
MAN: What’s the difference between a boy and a girl?
Sexy Blonde: The difference between a boy and a girl is between the two legs!
* * * *
The biggest tragedy for a man…
When life sucks..
His job sucks..
And his woman doesn’t.
* * * *
