“Akala ko ba the more the merrier? E bakit galit ka kapag marami kami?” — Tagyawat
SMS courtesy of Pryss
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Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag naging Congressman ka?
Manny: Anong bill? Yung tomotonog pagkatapos sa bawat round sa bukseng?
SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw
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Boy: fetus ka ba?
girl: bakit? dahil cute ako?
boy: hindi. mukha ka kasing pinalaglag. Kumapit kapa!
SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw
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1st nyt ng intsik at pinay couple: “Akyen halik iyo pisngi, hmmm, AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo dede, hmmm AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo fekfek, hmppp MELON AMOY!”
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POKPOK: Hayup! Kahit naka-condom ka nagbabaga ang pakirmdam ko! Ang init ng keps ko! Ahh!
LALAKI: Syempre naman! Yan ang bagong condom ngayon…CHILI FLAVOR!
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Question: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
Answer: It’s Braille for “SUCK HERE!”
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Man met a gorgeous blonde in Rome. They had wild sex..
Man: Finish?
Gal: No.
(They had wild sex again.)
Man: Finish?
Gal: (cuddling closer) No?
(Using the last of his strength, man had wildest sex in his whole life.)
Man: (gasping) Finish?
Gal: (smiling) No…
I’m Norwegian!
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BREAKING NEWS.
During Typhoon Ondoy, a BUWAYA was seen swimming in Cainta. It was recaptured yesterday and brought back to MALACANANG!
FG aka “ArroyoGator”
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Husband: (angrily) What! No dinner ready? I’m going to a resto.
Wife: Wait, just 5 minutes.
Husband: Will it be ready then?
Wife: No, I’ll be ready to go with you.
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A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of 25 cents inside crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to an attractive woman there. He noticed her constantly glancing down his crotch. “Hi, there,” he said, as he went into one of his rehearsed routines, “and I produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?” “As a matter of fact there is,” she said as she glanced down again toward his embellished jeans. “Do you have change for a dollar?”
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Girls’ reaction to dick sizes:
9″ – oh shit pain!
7″ – oh yes, yummy!
6″ – oh perfect!
5″ – mmm ok!
4″ – push more!
3″ – is it in?
2″ – idiot, just use your tongue!
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A happily married man, one night, asked his wife to have sex dog style. She refused.
Throughout their long relationship, he would periodically ask her to have dog style sex and she always emphatically refused.
Finally, on his deathbed, he asked his wife why she refused his request to have sex on her hands and knees.
“Hands and knees?” she said, “I thought you meant in the front yard!”
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An exhibitionist takes a trip on an airplane. At the plane’s stairs, a stewardess is collecting tickets, and when our man got to it, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, “I am sorry, sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”
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A middle aged man and a woman got married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite & the bride says to her groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.” The startled groom asks, “How can that be? You’ve been married twice.”
The bride replies, “Well, you see my 1st husband was a shrink & all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. My 2nd husband was a stamp collector, & all he ever wanted to do was… Oh God, I miss him!!!”
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FLASH REPORT/ Japanese banks hit hard by meltdown….The Origami Bank has folded. We heard Sumo bank has gone belly up too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is for sale & is going for a song. Staff at Karate Bank got the chop & analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
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Couple were discussing the topic of children. The wife said she wanted 3 children, while the husband preferred only 2.
They discussed the matter for several minutes till the husband asserted, “After our 2nd child, I’ll have a vasectomy.”
Without skipping a beat, the wife replies, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”
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Winston Churchill was the most virile of all leaders and lovers!
Before the battle of Dunkirk, he publicly claimed:
IT SHALL BE LONG and HARD,
…THERE WILL BE BLOOD and SWEAT,
…THERE WILL BE JOY and
PAIN BUT ABOVE ALL,
…THERE SHALL BE NO
WITHDRAWAL…!
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May isang BUMBAY, nag-asawa ng TSINA.
Nung magka anak sila, pinangalanan nilang…
HINDU TAN.
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Teacher: 0k class,our lesson for today is about planets. Earth is the 3rd pLanet from d Sun. Now, what is next to Mercury?
Pedro: parang 7eleven yata mam! d ko sure eh, mnsan kc minist0p.
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HOROSCOPE FOR THE DAY:
Mag-ingat ka sa pag-uwi sa gabi. Malaki ang tsansang magahasa ka. Iba na ang panahon ngayon.
Kahit pangit, nire-rape!
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-l0ve bEen tHere
_l0ve beEn tHere aNg fAv0r8 c0lor ni aliNg di0nesIa.
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One day, a man and his wife went to a doctor. The doc took the wife inside the consultation room.
WIFE: Doctor, please call your nurse here.
DOC: Why? Don’t you trust me?
WIFE: No, doctor, it’s not like that, I have no faith in my husband!
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GIRL: Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my bust grow to 44! (Boom! It grew!)
Man: Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my penis reach the floor! (Boom! His legs grew shorter!)
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the rest of the ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE
