SMS Jokes 7

Question: What’s the height of recycling?
Answer: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

* * * * *

Young man asks old man: “Sir, what is retirement?”
Old Man: Retirement is when you are replaced by a computer at the office and a VIBRATOR at home.

* * * * *

3 wives talking about their husbands.
Maria: Ang asawa ko parang Rolls Royce, madulas at magara.
Julia: Ang akin parang Porsche, mabilis at mapwersa.
Iza: Asawa ko jepney. Kailangan pang itulak ng kamay, pagkatapos sakyan agad KUNG umandar!

* * * *

Superman once wrote on the wall: “Batman is a wimp.”
The next day Batman wrote: “Superman is Clark Kent.”

* * * * *

A stranger approached a twelve year old girl & asked:
“What do you know about love?”
The little girl replied,

“Love is when a boy takes me to the park, buys me an ice cream cone, tells me that I’m the prettiest girl in the park and when he sees the ice cream melting through my fingers, he gently licks it, looks me in the eye, kisses me, puts his tongue and play with mine, moves his hands towards my chest, kisses my neck while his hands move all the way down to my…

Woahhh!..
Putragis na bata yan ah! Kalandi.

* * * * *

If Comfort Room or CR is for Americans, Rest Room for English people and Palikuran for Filipinos, what do Bombays call theirs?

Answer: HULUGAN…

* * * * *

A young pretty school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant. “Now children, look at the clock, what does it have that I have too?”

One girl stood up & sed, “It has a face.” Then another girl sed, “It has hands.”

“Splendid,” sed the teacher, “now what has the clock have that I haven’t got?”

After a long silence, a boy sed, “You ain’t got no pendulum, Miss.”

* * * * *

From a ship, everyone can see a thin, bearded man on a small island, shouting & desperately waving his hands.
‘Who is it on that island?’ a passenger asks the captain.
‘I have no idea… but every year we pass, he just goes nuts.”

* * * * *

7 wise men created a pussy to their design.
1st was a butcher, with a smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
2nd was a carpenter, strong & bold, with a hammer & chisel, he gave it a hole,
3rd was a tailor, tall & thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
4th was a hunter, short & stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it w/o,
5th was a fisherman,
nasty as hell, threw in a fish & gave it a smell,
6th was a preacher, he touched & blessed it & said it could pee,
lastly was a sailor,
dirty lil runt,
he sucked it & fucked it,
& called it a cunt.

* * * * * *

Man was rolling in bed at 1am when the doorbell rang. A lady enters in saying her name’s Lucy. Man says his went to her mom’s house.

“Oh! It’s a good time for me to fuck you,”exclaims Lucy.

So they both went to bed.

Man was so confused about all that happened so fast and asks who she is. Her reply was you don’t know me, but my had hubby had a relation with another woman.

Man asks with whom, Lucy replies with your wife.

* * * * * *

A 4some was waiting at men’s tee while another 4some of ladies were hitting at ladies’ tee.

The ladies were taking their time when finally the last was ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet.

She looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, “I guess those fucking lessons I took didn’t help.”

One of the men replies, “No, you see there’s your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.”

* * * * * *

Defeat isn’t d worst failure, not to try is the true failure.. So take Inday’s advise.. ‘Kuya, wag mong tantanan kahit mlambot yan, baka pumasok pa!’

* * * * *

Before you find faults, be sure you are dealing with facts, not figments of the imagination.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Masamang manlait, pero kung totoo, ayos lang! ;-)

* * * * *

HEIGHTS!!!
Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping through the keyhole of a glass house.

* * * * *

A policeman saw a little boy crying.
he approachd him & askd: wats d matter boy?
Boy: huhuhu! matter is anythng dat occupies space & has mass.

* * * * *

Prove:
AS/AG+2MP+4WD+9MC=ABC
.
.
.
.
.
A Boy upon A Girl + 2 Minutes Pressure + 4 White Drops + 9 Months Course = A Beautiful Child

* * * * *

A hooker was visiting her doc for a regular checkup.

DOC:Any problem you should tell me about?

HOOKER: Well, I noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. Hemophilia?

DOC: Hemophilia is a genetic disorder often in men. It is possible for a woman to be hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?

HOOKER: Oh, about 800 to a thousand dollars, I reckon.

* * * * **

Here’s to the girl that I kissed last night.
She didn’t kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast.
But she kissed so long and she kissed so sweet…
She made things stand that had no feet…..

* * * * * *

Orthodox Jewish couple meets rabbi for counseling prior to their wedding. Groom asks rabbi if he & bride can dance together at reception.

“Absolutely not,” says rabbi, “Men & women dance seperately!”

“Okay! What about sex?” asks the groom. “Of cors,” replies rabbi, “sex is mitzvah w/in marriage.”

“What about different positions?” “No problem, it’s mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” “Go for it! It’s mitzvah!”

“On kitchen table?” “Sure! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?” “NO! NO! NO!”

“Why not?” “COULD LEAD TO DANCING!”

* * * * *

GIRL: alam mo para kang bisyo..
BOY: <kinilig> hihi.. dahil ba hindi mo ko maiwasan?
GIRL: asa! hindi no! sinisira mo kasi buhay ko.

* * * * * *

“I would like to see a lady dentist,” said the first man.
“Why?” asked his friend.
“Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, ‘open your mouth’ instead of ‘shut up.’”

* * * * * *

A market research was conducted to know what is the best thing about a blow job. Results are as follows:
10% – sensual pleasure
10% – feeling of dominance
80% – three minutes of silence.

* * * * * *

A woman gets on a bus with two sets of twins. The bus driver asks her, “do you have twins every time?”

The woman replies, “Heavens no! Hundreds of times we don’t have anything.”

* * * * * *

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

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