Rolling brownouts have hit Eastern Metro Manila. The government has apologized to the residents of the affected areas and vowed to immediately finish the ongoing “election dry run.”
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4 insurance firms are in competition. One comes with the slogan, “coverage from cradle to grave.” 2nd one tries to improve on that with, “coverage from the womb to the tomb.” Not to be outdone, 3rd came up with, “from sperm to the worm.” 4th thought hard, came out with,”from erection to the resurrection.”
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Child to pirate captain:
CHILD: Captain, how did u get a peg leg?
PIRATE: U c I am a pirate. I fell off me ship & a shark bit off my leg. Had a peg leg ever since.
CHILD: How about that hook?
PIRATE: U c I am pirate. I had a sword fight & it got cut off. Had a hook ever since.
CHILD: How about ur eye patch?
PIRATE: 1 day, I looked up at d sky & a bird crapped on my eye.
CHILD: You mean u got blinded just becos a bird crapped on ur eye?
PIRATE: No, child… it was my 1st day with d hook!
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TRUE STATEMENTS
1. If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
2. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings.”
3. If you think sex is pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong.
4. Prostitution is a hole sale business.
5. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
6. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
7. I’m not attracted by a girl’s mind… But by what she doesn’t mind.
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GIRL: I want to end our relationship; I’m going to return to you everything you gave me.
BOY: Ok, then, let’s start with the kisses. =) Cheesy breakup?Hehehe..
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Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They’re stopped by a policeman,“What do you think you are doing? U wer going very fast there, Father.”
The priest says,“We were just taking the bike for a spin.”
The policeman shakes his head. “I’ll have to give you a ticket. What if you have an accident?” Priests say,“Don’t worry, my son, Jesus is w/us.”
The policeman says, “Now, I have to book you. 3 people aren’t allowd to ride on a motorcycle.”
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God asked a civil engineer, “What mistake did I do in creating a woman?”
The engineer answered, “Well, sir, the drainage area is extremely closed to the ENTERTAINMENT area!!!”
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Question: Do you know why they call it Wonder Bra?
Answer: Because when she takes the bra off, you’ll wonder where her breasts went!
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How to make One Million Pesos in the Stock Market?
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Simple… Start with Two Million!
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Man has brain tumor, and doctors told him his case was hopeless. One day, he heard of a very good surgeon and went to the doc.
The surgeon replaces his brain with a healthy one, and after a month lets him go home. The morning after his discharge, he calls the doc in rage, “Pig! You gave me a woman’s brains.”
“Well, a brain is a brain, regardless of gender.”
“You’re wrong, whenever I feel horny, I start fiddling with my nipples!”
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Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she forgot to buy her birth control pills.
She rushed to the pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. “Please fill this immediately. I’ve got people waiting in my car!”
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QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“The man (woman) with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he (she) has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?”
Talaga ngang spare tire ang bise! Agree?
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WORK DESCRIPTION:
Kargador – mabigat pumatong
Panadero – masarap maglamas
Driver – magaling sumakay
Karpintero – magaling sa pukpukan
Texter – magaling mag-finger
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ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE
