SMS Jokes 23

Man1: mahilig ka ba sa mga babae na malalaki bubs?
Man2: hinde.
Man1: e yung mga babaeng mataba at malaki ang pwet?
Man2: lalong hindi.
Man1: baka naman mahilig ka sa mga panget na babae?
Man2: hindi ah.
Man1: e baket mo gi-ni-jerjer yung asawa ko?

* * * * *

Hirap nito! Daming text messages!
Napapagod na ako sa kababasa. Puede ba sa susunod magpadala naman kayo ng
Load
Bigas
Ulam
Pera

* * * * *

Isang GRO umuwi sa bahay at may naghihintay na 5 lalaki.
GRO: Uhmm… pagod ako, buong gabi akong nagtrabaho… kaya ang isa sa inyo dapat umuwi muna.

* * * * *

If men have PMS, what would happen?
1. The gov’t. would allocate funds to study it.
2. Cramps would become acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
3. There would be a regular holiday every 28 days.
4. All of the above.

* * * * *

Q: Why do men pay more than women for motor vehicle insurance?
A: Because women don’t get blowjobs while driving!

* * * * *

Breast milk is best for babies up to two yeas old.
Big breast is best for men up to ninety years old!

* * * * *

SIMPLE DISCRIMINATION:
….WHY IS IT THAT WHEN A WOMAN GOT PREGNANT HER FRIENDS RUB HER BELLY AND SAY “CONGRATS!”,
…BUT NO ONE EVER LIFT A FINGER TO TOUCH  THE MAN’S DICK TO SAY
“GOOD JOB BOY!!”
IS THIS NOT ONE FORM OF UNFAIR LABOR TREATMENT ?

NAGTATANONG LANG PO..

* * * * *

The best relation ever is between two eyes,

they blink together,
move together,
cry together,
see together,
sleep together,
STILL they never see each other directly,
BUT when they a see a girl one will blink and the other will not!

* * * * *

WANTED AD:
Bachelor with 200 hectars of agricultural land would like to meet lady with good farming tractor. Matrimony in mind. Pls send photo of tractor.

* * * * *

Scott never had sex in his life. A buddy takes him to a girl that would teach him a few things.

So, Scott’s in a room with d girl. She takes off her clothes, & says, “Do u know what I want?” Scott says, honestly, “No.”

She lies down & asks him the same question. Again, he answers, “No.”

Not sure what to do, she spreads her legs all the way; “spread-eagle.”
She asks, “Now do u know what I want?”

He answers, “Yeah. U want the whole bed to urself.”

* * * * *

A man was shopping at a department store when he saw an absolutely beautiful lady behind the sales counter. He went up to her and she smiled and asked what he liked.

Replied he, “What I like? I’d like to wrap my arms around you. Then run my hands up n down ur bottom n squeeze that. Then run my hands between ur inner thighs underneath ur dress. When I get to ur pussy, I’d like to rub that while unbuttoning ur blouse with my teeth. And then I’d like to suck ur tits n bite ur nipples lightly…

But what I came to buy is a new shirt.”

* * * * *

Man giving speech to deafs rubs chest, touches dick & starts masturbating.
When asked why, he said it means, “ladies & gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…”

* * * * *

Men discovered COLORS & invented PAINT, Women discovered PAINT & invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD & invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION & invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered GAMBLING & invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS & invented WITCHCRAFT.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP & invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE & invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING & invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY & invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter, Men have discovered and invented a lot of things…

While Women got STUCK to SHOPPING!

* * * * *

The latest Pulse Asia poll showed 43% of respondents would “surely not vote for” a presidential candidate endorsed by PGMA.
Asked if he’d seek PGMA’s endorsement, GIBO reportedly said, “Sino ‘yon?”

* * * * *

Old is when…
… a sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
… going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
… you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
… an ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up to pee.

* * * * *

Teacher: Name some films that have almost the same stories!
ERAP: Ay sisiw nang tanong mo, mam! Eh di bomba films po!

* * * * *

When you don’t know whether to love or hate,
when you are in a confused state,
don’t feel and don’t debate,
just sit alone and…
MASTURBATE…!

* * * * *

JUAN: p’re, lahat ng ayaw ng misis ko ginagawa ko.
PEDRO: Wow! Bilib ako sayo! Ang tapang mo, p’re!
JUAN: pag ayaw nia maglaba.. ako ang maglalaba.

* * * * *

Bagong pasok sa preso si Kulas…
KULAS: Cno ang naghahari- harian d2?
BRUTUS: Ako! Bakit?
KULAS: Gawin mo ‘kong reyna!

* * * * *

Definition of AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through child delivery labor to
have sex again! :)

* * * * *

MAKING LOVE…
WOMAN: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
MAN: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

* * * * *

BABAE1: anu? naisine ka ng ng bf mo? dba sbi mo yagit na yagit yun?
BABAE2: nag-ipon daw sya ng mga natitirang barya sa bulsa nya para makapagsine kami.
BABAE1: nakakatouch naman sya!
BABAE2: hay naku… hindi lamg touch… dinilaan pa!

* * * * *

DOCTOR: Recently, I treated a man with fractured legs. One week later he jumped Six feet high.
DOUBTER: That was probably when he got your Bill

* * * * *

The Versatile “Fuck”

1. Surprise – “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2. Fraud – “I got fucked by a car dealer.”
3. Trouble – “I guess I’m fucked now.”
4. Aggression – “FUCK YOU!”
5. Disgust – “Fuck me.”
6. Confusion – “What the fuck…?”
7. Difficulty – “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
8. Lost – “Where the fuck are we!”
9. Denial – “I didn’t fucking do it.”
10. Apathy – “Who really gives a fuck?”
11. Suspicion – “Who the fuck are you?”

* * * * *

Q: What is the similarity of a car windshield wiper and a woman?
A: When they are wet, they do not squeak anymore!

* * * * *

Girl to a friend:

“I think you should stop making fun of my breasts. At least give me credit…
just think of how many women in the world can keep their feet dry while taking a shower!”

* * * * *

Man1: ano effect ng global financial crisis sa biznes mo?
Man2: tumaas ang sales!
Man1: ha? anu ba biznes mo?
Man2: gamot sa hypertension at sleeping pills!

* * * * *

LOVE: When u take a bubble bath together.
LUST: When u take a bath in Jell-o together.
MARRIAGE: When u give the kids a bath.

LOVE: Sex every night.
LUST: Sex 5 times a night.
MARRIAGE: What’ sex?

* * * * *

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

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