SMS Jokes 24

Teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence….

“CHILDREN IN THE DARK MAKES MISTAKES.”

Juan: Mistakes in the dark can make children!

SMS Jokes courtesy of Kups Spuk

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Everytime u miss me, just put ur right hand in front oyour heart……close ur eyes….and feel the beat…. …Ready?
BAYANG MAGILIW…..handa awit!

SMS Jokes courtesy of Kups Spuk

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WIFE: If I dismiss the cook & make the meals myself for a month, how much will you pay me?
HUSBAND: I won’t have to pay you, you’ll claim my insurance by then!

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MISTER: Darling, para maka-ipon tayo, pag mag ma-make love tayo, maghuhulog ako sa alkansya ng 100 piso.

(Pagkatapos ng isang buwan)

MISTER: Aba, swithart, bakit 10,000 piso na ung nasa alkansya?
MISIS: Eh hindi naman lahat ng lalaki kuripot na katulad mo.

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“Hindi porke lagi ka umiinom ay tatawagin ka nang lasenggero,
yung iba dun hindi yung lasa ng alak ang hanap kundi yung lasa ng kainuman.”
Amen?

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Ano ang tawag mo sa kabit ni pacman? . . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . PACBET.

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LALAKI: Miss, pabili ng isang condom, kakantot lang ako.
TINDERA: Mister, ang bibig nyo ingatan nyo naman!
LALAKI: Ganun? O sige dalawahin mo na!

* * * * *

Q: What is the difference between a bomb and a condom?
A: In a bomb blast, population decrease, but in a condom blast, population increase.

* * * * *

How To Speak About Men…and be politically correct:
He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed A LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE SYSTEM.
He is not BALDING. He is in HAIR FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE. He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL. INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGE.

* * * * *

TEACHER: Sam, you talk a lot.
SAM: It’s a family tradition.

TEACHER: What do you mean?
SAM: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my dad is a teacher.

TEACHER: What about your mother?
SAM: She’s a woman.

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In a rape trial..
PROSECUTOR: Did u scream for help?
VICTIM: yes, sir.
PROSECUTOR: Did anyone came?
VICTIM: Yes sir… He did… Then I did…

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JOIN a neighborhood watch!
BECOME a Peeping Tom!

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The night before the wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mom, “I want you to teach me how to make my husband happy.”
Mom, takes deep breath, replied, “When 2 ppol luv, honor & respect each other, luv can be a beautiful thing…”
“I know how to fuck, Mom, I want u to teach me how to make lasagna.”

* * * * *

A woman walks past 3 men in d office, all bemoaning that they’re about to be audited in d coming month. Says 1st guy,”I’m screwed!”
“I’m screwed, too!” says 2nd.”Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond recognition by this audit!” exclaims 3rd in anguish.
Then, one guy notices d woman who’s been there listening with a thoughtful look on her face.
“Are you OK?” he asks.
“Yes,”she says,”but I was wondering..
How do I go about getting audited?”

* * * * *

A man had a horrible dread the other night.
He dreamed his wife and Marilyn Monroe were fighting over him and his wife was winning!

* * * * *

Two friends, who hadn’t seem each other in several years, met on the street.
1st: So who are u working for now?
2nd: Same people, my wife and 6 children.

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A man with love-making flair was lickin his sweetie ‘down there’. He said as some gas escaped from her ass, “Thank God for a breath of fresh air!”

* * * * *

Sign at entrance of nudist colony:
“Please Bare With Us!”

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The rest of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE

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