DIONISIA: Manny, sabi nila sa labas, pangit daw ako.
MANNY: Ma, alam mo ang kagandahan ay nasa loob. Kaya huwag ka ng lumabas!

* * * * * *

A woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the IUD that her doc had given her.

“I followed all the instructions to the letter,” she told her doc, “and used it with the jelly.” When asked what kind of jelly she used, she said, “grape”.

* * * * * *

Love is just a gamble
Kung minsan may naghahabol
Kung minsan walang pumapatol
Kung minsan may humahagulhol
Dahil pinasok ng ulol
Ang kanyang hole!

* * * * * *

FOOD CHOLESTEROL per 100 grams:
Egg white-0
Sea cucumber-0
Lapu-lapu-4.1
Cow’s milk-6.5
Dilis-19.0
Human milk-19.7
Clam-20.9
Tilapia-21.1
Cheese-33.8
Eel-40.1
Sardines-40.5
Ice cream-45.0
Bangus-51.8
Shrimp-52.8
Squid-56.0
Chocolate-56.0
Chicken-62.9
Beef-64.5
Pork-68.8
Crab-72.5
Galonggong-73.6
Bagoong-75.8
Prawn-89.0
Ham-100.0
Lengua-100.6
Pigeon-110.0
Pig liver-190.0
Lobster-200.0
Balut-515.2
Egg yolk-731.6
Pig brain-1,643.6
VAGINA- 0.

* * * * ** *

One of the criterion by which a Miss Nude was chosen thirty years ago was…

“Taste in clothing.”

* * * * * *

TEACHER: Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody know an example?
BOY: Mas-tur-bate!
TEACHER: (smiling) Wow! That’s a mouthful!
BOY: No, ma’am. You’re thinking of a blowjob!

* * * * *

Pacman’s Revised MEDiCAL terms:
AntiBodies -person against evryone,
Chronic -neck of a Crow
Coma -punctuation mark
Cortisone -area at Supreme Court
Enema -not a friend
Genes -blue denims
Lactose – people w/o toes
Lymph -walk unsteadily

* * * * * *

A huge guy marries a tiny girl and one of his friends asks, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”

The big guy replies, “I just sit there, naked, in a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down. It’s kinda like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.”

* * * * *

Sign at a Golf Club:

Any person (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed.

* * * * *

A gynecologist calls to reschedule his patient’s appointment and asks her if she could come that day. The lady rushes to the bathroom, there was a napkin on the counter, picks it up, cleans her vagina with it.

During the examination, the doc winks and smiles at her, saying, “You sure look bright and beautiful. You certainly made an extra effort for today’s visit.”

The patient smiles, comes home and her daughter asks where is the napkin on the counter. The lady asks if her daughter can use another napkin. The daughter replies that the missing napkin had all her glitters and sparkles for her class’ Christmas decoration.

* * * * *

Reports say 10 w0men have emerged and claimed they had an affair with Tiger Woods. 0bservers believe eight more will surface to complete 18 holes.

* * * * *

Pacman: Mama, sabi ng titser ko bakiìt daw äng èggplänt wäläng ègg?
Aling Dionisia: Manny, sabihon mo sa titser mo na päg me ègg yùn…TüRTÄ nä yon, TüRTÄ!

* * * * *

The manager placed a sign, “I am the Boss” in his office. Days later, his secretary says, “Sir, tumawag po si Mam, ibalik daw po yun sign nya sa bahay nyo.”

* * * * *

PGMA left St. Luke’s Medical Center Sunday morning. The hospital did not issue a medical bulletin but said the president was excited to attend the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference to learn about the effects of global warming on breast implants!

* * * * **

On the beach, a man was sunbathing in the nude except for a hat to cover his private part. A bitch of a woman passes by and snarls,

“A gentleman lifts his hat to a woman.” The man replies,”The gentleman’s hat lifts by itself for attractive women only.”

* * * * *

A man called to witness stand testified that a couple had been making love in a park.

WITNESS: They were fucking, your honor.

JUDGE: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearian way?

WITNESS: The park was dark but caused no fear until tiny sounds came to my ear. There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where. If that wasn’t fucking, your honor, I wasn’t there.

* * * * * *

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

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About MARU

A single mom to Kevin and Keziah. Sang's bestfriend. Young, Fresh and Delicious. Lol! Blogging since 2005.

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