Q and A

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under.’

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…

**BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What is a man’s Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

**NOMINATED AS THE WORLD’S BEST SHORT JOKE
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom’, he asked, ‘Are these my brains?’
Not yet,‘ she replied.

SMS Jokes 48

Fill in the blanks:
1.BOO_S?
2. _ _NDOM?
3.F_ _ K?
4.P_ N_S?
5.PU_S_?

Answers:
1.BOOKS
2.RANDOM
3.FORK
4.PANTS
5.PULSE

May ù have a cleaner mind. Bastos!

* * * * *

JUAN: Father, nagnakaw po ako ng Nike at Rockford shoes…
PARI: Ssshh…
May size 8 ba?

* * * * *

Mga Signs Ur Pandesal & Other Bakery Products Have Shrunk:

1. Ur usual 15 minute breakfast is reduced to 5 minutes.
2. Brazo Mercedes is renamed ‘Daliri ni Mercedes.’
3. Ur small daugter boasts of a new learned stunt from her yaya: “ang paglunok ng 3 pirasong tinapay nang sabay-sabay.”
4. When U go to the bakery and say, “pabili nga po ng pandesal,” & the baker would reply, “Ilang tabletas?”

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Sabado Na Naman

Sabado na naman. Hindi pa ako nakakabangon ng bed pansin ko na ang komosyon ng dalawa kong bagets na labas-masok sa kwarto. Mukang magsisilayasan! Abah, may pasok ba?? Weekend a!

Si Kevin, whole day praktis daw ng Frisbee. Si Keziah naman, maghapon daw sya sa bahay ng classmate nya at may aasikasuhing school project daw.

Si ako, eto, home alone na naman! Hays…

Hokey! Isip-isip ko, kung ganun pwede akong kumuyakoy ng buong araw dito sa bahay,  sa kwarto ko. Teka, paano ko ba uumpisahan ng papetiks ang araw na ‘to. Siempre, lalafang!

Wiz ko na trip magluto tutal mag-isa lang naman ako.

Ginalugad saglit ang ref.

Dyaraan!

DSCF4320-1

Salpak lang saglit sa microwave at eto na ang power breakfast ko for today:

  • 1. Tira-tirang litson na manok.
  • 2. Nilagang okra.
  • 3. Isang piraso na kamatis na pinigaan ng isang pirasong kalamansi.
  • 4. Tatlong slices ng yupi-yuping raisin bread.
  • 5. Isang baso ng criminal water – unleaded.

Habang nagbi-breakfast in bed, naka-tiempo na rin ako magbasa ng mga back issues ng magazines nagkaka-molds na ang pages dahil sa hindi maasikaso (as if naman lagi akong bz. Lol!).

DSCF4327

Multi-tasking ang lola nyo, habang nagbabasa ng magazines, pasilip-silip din sa internet at nag go-gugel. Kaya nyo yun?

DSCF4328

Ilang sandali pa, dumidighay na ako.

DSCF4331

Wag na kayo magtaka pa kung bakit balingkinitan ang katawan ng mga pusa namin dito sa bahay. Gutom inaabot nila sa amin dahil wala masyadong natitira sa mga kinakain namin. Haha!

Happy weekend everyone!

SMS Jokes 47

Lola:  Amang, wala akong pera!
Holdaper:  Alam ko kung asan ang pera mo…[sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni Lola]
Lola:  Ituloy mo iho, may dollars pa sa ibaba!!

* * * * * *
Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: ‘300 pesos for 5 words.’
She said: ‘Pwede ba 2 words lang? ‘Tanoy dead”
Ad taker: ‘No mam. 5 words is the minimum.’
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: ‘Ok, para sulit, ilagay
mo,
‘TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ‘

* * * * *

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

* * * * *

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;
At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;
At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;
At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

* * * * *

Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano: Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

* * * * *

Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: San ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; ‘British tourist lost 2000 pounds.’

* * * * * *

Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard…

Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind,
highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?

Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang
mag-apply?

* * * * * *

Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok ‘nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko.

* * * * *

Pasyente … Doc, may problema ako…tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako…
Doktor … so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente … Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.

* * * * *

A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection.
With his urge to get into the thick crowd and see the action, he shouted,
‘I’M THE SON OF THE VICTIM.’
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through.
There he saw, bloody and helpless lying in front of the people…a pig
bumped by a trailer truck!

* * *  * * *

Erap … Honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo.
Loi … Bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket, ang init, init !!!
Erap … Sabi kasi sa label, for best results put on 2 coats.

*  * * * *

SMS Jokes 46

pedro: “pare kelan ba birthday mo?!”
juan: “april 19..”
pedro: “anong taon?!”
juan: “taon-taon Alangan namang sometimes?! hay naku..

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

*  * * * *

Bakit ang ta0 pag ipinangAnak,
madalas ulo unang LumaLabas?
Sagot:kasi ang tao pag ginagawa,ulo rin unang  pinapasok..
FIRST IN,FIRST OUT P0LICY ang tawag dun!!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

* * * * *

A stranger asked a 7 year old girl: “What do you know about love?”

D ‘lil girl replied:  “Love is whEn a boy takes me to the park, buys me an ice cream, tells me that i’m the prettiest girl in the park and when he sees the ice cream melting tru my fingers, he would gently lick it, look me in the eye.Kiss me, put his tongue in, play with mine, move his hands towards my chest, kisses my neck, while his hands move all the way down to my….

Stranger: Tama na!  baka san pa mapunta to. Leche ka! dami mong alam!!!

SMS joke courtesy of 9062726549

* * * * *

Question: What’s the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

Continue reading

Usap 006

Si Bespren Marites na naman sa Facebook chat namin kanina:

5:38am Marites:
good morning langga

5:38am Maru:
ne
morning

5:39am Marites:
seems u woke up earlier today

5:40am Maru:
as always…5:30 gising ko pag weekdays. magagalit amo ko pag wla silang breakfast

5:41am Marites:
mga among ur not paid of

5:41am Maru:
no vacation leave either

5:43am Marites:
sabi mo pa. pero it will pay off as u see them grow to be good persons

5:44am Maru:
hehehe! yun lang ang kunswelo. so far medyo ok naman. my kevin is a kengkoy…good sense of humor ang hombre.

5:45am Marites:
he got those from u

5:46am Maru:
naks! uu nga. in other words, baliw din!

5:47am Marites:
papunta na din dun as time goes by
hahahahaha

5:47am Maru:
i hate u!

5:47am Marites:
i luv u

5:47am Maru:
sex tau

5:48am Marites:
ktatapos q lng knina

5:48am Maru:
pota!

5:48am Marites:
nanood b nman ng bold c hubby kya ayun nalibugan

5:49am Maru:
taenaaaaaa!
kala ko ikaw ang pinanood
lol

5:52am Marites:
sawa na

5:52am Maru:
yavang mo! hmp!

O ha! Umagang-umaga, sex ang pinag-uusapan ng mag-lola!  Ayos!


Villar, Walang Bols

Buset na buset na ako dito kay Manny Villar sa totoo lang.Napupurga na ako!

Kelan kaya magkakaroon ng bayag ang mamang ‘to para harapin ang mga isyung inaakusa sa kanya tungkol sa kontrobersya ng C-5 road extension ng sa ganun eh magkaliwanagan na once and for all!

“Ayoko munang magsalita. Ang ayoko lang yung didiktahan ako kung kelan ako magsasalita at kung ano ang aking sasabihin. Walang makakapagsabi sa akin kung kelan ako dapat magsalita at kung ano ang sasabihin ,” Villar said.

“Anytime naman handa akong sagutin yan pero sa labas, sa tao. Kasi dito sa komite, e wala naman akong makukuhang katarungan dito” he added, referring to the Senate committee. INQUIRER.net

Halerr! Ano ba ikinakakatakot mo, sir? Kung talagang nasa sa ‘yo ang katotohanan eh bakit naman pagkakaitan ka ng katarungan?

Santisima! Senador pa lang ang taong ‘to at kumakandidato pa lang para maging presidente pero hindi na marunong humarap sa mga dapat harapin. Sus, ano pa kaya kung naging presidente na sya? Nakow! Magngitngit na lang kayo! Burnik nyo! Maghabol kayo sa tambol-mayor (teka, ano nga ba ang tambol-mayor?) Malamang ganyan ang sasabihin ni Villar sa mga pinoy tuwing inaakusahan.

Isa pang kina-aasar ko dito kay Manny Villar eh yung campaign ad nya na… “Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap.” Eh ano ngayon? Kumbaga si Villar lang daw ang tunay na may malasakit sa mga mahihirap. Ah ganun? Eh paano naman kaming mayayaman? Hehe!

Hindi nga, sino na lang ang magmamalasakit sa amin na mga ilustrados, kaming mga nanggaling sa buena familia, kaming mga dugong-bughaw? What will happen to us – kaming mga nabibilang sa alta-sociedad pag naging presidente si Villar?

Tsk tsk! Kung boboto man ako…ayoko talaga kay Villar. Maliban na lang siguro kung bibigyan nya ako ng dalawang unit ng mga pabahay nya! Lol!

SMS Jokes 45

After talking on d fone for abt half an hour, a teenage girl suddenly hang up.
Father: “Wow! That was short. U usually talk for 2 hours. What happened?”
Girl: “Wrong number.”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

* * * * *

A director testing Sly Stallone n Arnie Schwarzenegger for a film aboutt classical composers:
Director: “Who do u fancy playing, Sly?”
Sly: “I want to be Mozart.” Director: “How bout u Arnie?”
Arnie: “I’ll be Bach.”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

* * * * *
Aanhin mo pa ang pagiging artista…
Kung ang kasama mo sa kissing scene ay si Aling Dionisia?

* * * * *
Election sa Pinas Noon at Ngayon:
Noon: Ang sigaw ng mga tao, “Pumili tayo ng karapat dapat sa bayan!”
Ngayon: Ganito sigaw ng mga tao, “Election na naman, pipili na naman tayo ng mga bagong magnanakaw!” ;-(

* * * * *
Erap’s Family Planning policy if elected President…
“Don’t have more than two
children in one year.”

Continue reading

Sadistang Masahista

Biyernes ng gabi: Nag text pamangkin ko, nagtatanong kung gusto ko magpa-masahe dun sa kakilala nya. Garantisado daw na sulit ang ibabayad ko na 120 petot.

“P120? Dati sabi mo P75 lang!” Pabarat kong text back. Sumagot si pamangkin: P120 kasi home service naman daw, whole body at magbabayad pa sa pamasahe sa jip papunta dito sa bahay.

Hindi pa rin humuhupa pagiging barat ko. Reply ako:“Pag dun bahay ba nya ako magpamasahe, P75 lang? At Pag half-body lang ba, 75 lang?”.

Napa-hehehe na lang sa akin pamangkin ko pero kinukumbinsi talaga ako na subukan ko kasi magaling nga daw.

Ayoko nga sana kasi balak ko talaga na dun sa suking SPA clinic ako pupunta at magpapa-ventosa therapy na rin ako. Kaso naisip ko…P120 versus P350 (plus tip pa). Hmmn…sige na nga, dun na ako sa P120! Nanaig din pagiging kuripot ko.

Puke ng ina! Magaling nga ang masahista! Magaling manakit!

Nalamog lang naman katawan ko sa sakit ng paghihilot nya at masahe. Josko! Aminin ko, mataas ang pain tolerance ko. Ilang beses na rin ako nagpa-massage at bihira akong maringgan ng reklamo ng mga attendant.

Pero ibang klase ‘tong nairekomenda sa akin ng pamangkin ko. Sa loob ng mga 45 minutes, para akong arina na ginagawang monay! Nilamas-lamas! Nilamukos buong katawan ko! Parang tinupi-tupi ang mga masels ko! At parang binaklas-baklas at nire-arrange ang pwesto ng mga kalamnan ko. Nalamog pati pwet ko sa sobrang lamas nung ale! Waaa! Tangina talaga!

Napapa-aaahhh ako sa sobrang sakit talaga lalo na sa nung minamasahe nya binti at hita ko. Ilang beses ko sinabihan na dahan-dahan kaso napapangiti lang ang impakta! Parang nasisiyahan pa yata sya na napapangiwi ako. Amp! Sadista!

Sabado, buong araw: Sa sobrang sakit ng buong katawan ko, nakahiga lang ako sa kama most of the time. Talo ko pa ang kagagaling lang ginahasa ng paulit-ulit ng dalawang pugante! (awww, 3some!) Lol! Bugbog na bugbog ako!

I know this is too much info, pero I always have my period every first week of the month. Pero sa sobrang hilot yata sa may bandang balakang ko sa likod…syet, nagkaroon ako ngayon dalaw ng wala sa oras! Napaaga!!!

Linggo: Impernes naman dun sa ale, naalis naman nya yung mga lamig-lamig ng katawan ko. Pero, mamatay na lahat ng pusa dito sa bahay, HINDING-HINDI na ako uulit na magpa home-service sa kanya! Nakakadala!

Sa ngayon, medyo magaan na ang pakiramdam ko, salamat sa Advil.

Nagamot nga siguro agad ang pananakit ng buong katawan ko pero palagay ko ay matagal-tagal pang magagamot ang pagiging BARAT at KURIPOT ko. Hays…nasa buto ko na yata eh. 🙁

Handbook 2010

… chain mail and I like this.

  • Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants…
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take 10-30 minutes to walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

  • Personality

11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need…
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appears and fades away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

  • Society:

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day gives something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything…
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

  • Life:

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change…
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come…
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.