SMS Jokes 32

JUDGE: Bakit idi-divorce mo ang iyng asawa for cruelty?
MAN: Dahil itinago nya ang aking pustiso Your Honor.
JUDGE: Cruelty ba un?
MAN: E tapos po pinakain nya kong chicharon Your Honor!

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PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME:
Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. 😉

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Mga Resolutions:
1. Hindi na ako mangangako. PROMISE!
2. Hindi na ako mag-iingles. NEVER AGAIN!
3. Di na ako magsusugal. PUSTAHAN PA TAYO.
4. At hindi na ako magsasalita ng tapos. PERIOD!

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May isang bata na nahulog sa tulay at humingi ng saklolo. May isang Tsino na tumalon at inigligtas ang bata…..
Mga Tao: “Wow! Galing!” Umakyat ang Tsino tila umiiyak.
Mga Tao: “Oh, ‘bat ka umiiyak?”
Tsino: Huhuhu… Sino tulak akin???!

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Everything on a girl’s UPPER body starts with B:
Blazer Blouse Bikini Bra BOOBS
And Lower, with P:
Pyjama Pant Petticoat Panty PUSSY.
All these Gives men high BP!

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Daddy what is polygamy?
Father: when a man has more than one wife.
Son: what is the term when a man has only one wife?
Father: monotony son, MONOTONY!

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INTERNATIONAL CONDOMS ADS:

Star Trek Condom: To Go Boldly Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Coca Cola Condom: Always The Real Thing.
Lays Condom: Betcha Can’t Have Just One.
Diet Pepsi Condom: You Got The Right One, Baby!
Toyota Condoms: Oh What A Feeling!
Avis Condom: Trying Harder Than Ever.
Energizer Condom: It Keeps Going And Going and Going…
Chevy Condom: Like A Rock.
Secret Condom: Strong Enough For A Man, But pH Balanced For A Woman.

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A lace brassiere, a pair of pink nylon panties and a silk nightie were hanging on a clothesline.
BRASSIERE said, “His big clumsy hands almost squeezed the life out of me.”
PANTIES said, “He almost ripped me apart trying to pull me off.”
NIGHTIE said, “Both of you please be quiet! I am trying to take a nap. I have been up all night.”

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MY PREDICTIONS:

1. You will look younger.
2. You will look more attractive to the opposite sex.
3. You will be at the prime of your health.
4. You will have more hair.
5. You will have more sexual urges…

that is for the year 2000.
My prediction for 2010…
you will wish it was 2000!

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Have you heard of this new book entitled “1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?”
It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. Most of the women would settle on the following:
1. Slow down.
2. Turn off the TV.
3. Call out the right name.

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Q: What is the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bath tub?
A: One has a soul full of hope and the other has a hole full of soap.

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The infamous Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her hubby’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The dick bounced off the windshield of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

“Shit,” said the driver to his companion. “What kind of bug was that?” “Dunno,” he replied, “but did you see the size of the cock on it?!”

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A flat chested lady was worried about her condition that she went to a palmist to ask a solution for it. He told her that everytime anyone says sorry to her, her breasts will grow. Next day at a hotel, she orders a tea. The waiter by mistake spills the tea over her. Waiter says sorry, mam, sorry, mam… The headline of a newspaper next day say, “Waiter Killed By Two Rockets”

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A wealthy businessman was taking a stroll by the Manila Bay w/ his girlfriend. He pointed at a modern warship and said,

“The MONEY I spent on you all these years can PAY for that WARSHIP!”

The lady retorted,

“The BOMBARDMENTS I took from you all these years, were more than enough to SINK that WARSHIP!”

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Ergonomic study show that doggy Style is the Best sexual position.
While you are at it…
She can read her book & you can watch TV.

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Hi! Pls join me at the New Year’s day party in our haus. Lots of food & drinks. May pianist para kantahan tayo. Madali lang pumunta dito. Sakay ka ng bus papuntang Laguna, then 1 ride sa jeep, then tricycle. Baba ka sa tapat ng ilog. Lakad ka hanggang marating mo munting kweba, dun ka magdaan para shortcut. Paglabas mo, 1st eskinita ryt then left then ryt uli. Sa tapat ng rusty gate may trail patungong mababang bundok, akyatin mo. Sa ika3ng bundok, may bahay, look for my lola, sya maghahatid sayo sa amin. Punta ka, pls. Kung hindi ka makapunta, Happy New Year na lang!

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ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES COURTESY OF MIKE

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