SMS Jokes 34

May isang lalaki umihi sa pader..
.. nang biglang kumidlat.
Napasigaw si lalaki.. “panginoon ko!
wag mo pong ipa-develop, bukas po magpapatuli na ako PROMISE!”

* * * * *

AMO: Ikaw ba ung applicant?
GIRL: Opo, sir.
AMO: Eh, bakit ganyan ang suot mo? Naka 2-piece bikini ka? Ano ba inaapplyan mo?
GIRL: Summer Job po…

* * * * *

Ngayong year of the tiger, sabi ng mga feng shui masters na ang pinakabwenas na lucky charm ay ang baboy. Kaya tiyak na suswertehen na naman si Ate Glue kasi kasama niya lagi ang lucky charm niya!

* * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“wag kang titikim ng masarap, para hindi ka maghanap..
at wag mo sasarapan ang pagpapatikim, para hindi ka hanap-hanapin..”

* * * * *

Pfizer decided to sponsor Tiger Woods.
They are making a new drug called TIAGRA.
It’s good for 18 holes.

* * * * *

Q: What is the definition of a menstrual period?.
?
?
?
?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time! 🙂

* * * * *

“For the last time,” a husband shouted, “are you ready to go?”
“For heaven’s sake, be quiet,” retorted his wife, “I’ve been telling you for the last one hour that I’d be ready in a minute!”

* * * * *

Man1: Yesterday, I found a wallet packed with money down by the church.
Man2: did you give it back?
Man1: Not yet! I’m still trying to decide if it’s a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer!

* * * * *

Englishman greets a Hindu: “How do you do?”
Hindu replies, “I don’t know about you, but you lift up our woman’s saree and do.”

* * * * *

Things Men Wished Women Would Say To Them..
1. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
2. Shouldn’t you be out nightclubing with ur friends?
3. Great fart! Rip another one?
4. Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5. Let’s start subscribing to Hustler, Playboy and Penthouse!
6. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
7. I’ll swallow it all. I like the taste of it.
8. I’d rather have sex than go shopping.

* * * * *

2 friends were walking down the street when they saw 2 women approaching.
“My God!” said one, “here comes my wife and my mistress together!!!” The other replied, “Good God, you took the words right out of my mouth!!!”

* * * * * *

The patient awakened after the operation to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

“Why are all the blinds closed?” he asks the nurse. She replied, “Well, they’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation has failed!”

* * * * *

Following a tiff, a guy puts on his pants roughly and rips the seam along the fly. He glared at his wife and says, “I’ll wear these today so everyone in the office will know what I have to put up with.” She replies, “No, I’ll repair them. I don’t want them to know what I have to put up with.”

* * * * *

The Beauty of English

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story, e.g.,

Oh John please don’t touch me at all…!
Oh John please don’t touch me at…!
Oh John please don’t touch me…!
Oh John please don’t touch…!
Oh John please don’t…!
Oh John please…!
Oh John…
Ohh… 🙂

* * * * * *

A pastor just had all his teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The 1st Sunday, he preached for 10 minutes. The 2nd Sunday, he preached for 5 minutes. But on 3rd Sunday, he preached for 1 and half hours.

* * * * * *

When asked about this, he replied this way.
‘The 1st Sunday, my gums were sore.
The 2nd Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The 3rd Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’ dentures…
and I couldn’t stop talking!’

* * * * * *

A new supermarket opens..
When u pass the milk section, u hear cows mooing and u smell the scent of hay.
In the meat section, u smell the aroma of grilled steaks.
When u approach the poultry section, u hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with scents of bacon and ham.
I guess u won’t buy toilet paper in that supermarket!

* * ** * *

ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES Courtesy of MIKE

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