Ikaw Ay Pilipino Kapag…

BABALA: Mahaba ang listahan na itetch, mga ateng at koyang. Kaya umihi na muna ang mga gustong umihi, umebs na ang gustong umebs.  Kumuha na rin ng kornik na mangangata nang sa ganun ay wala ng tayuan kung magutom man kayo sa sobrang haba ng binabasa nyo. Sana maaliw kayo!

Nga pala, galing Gmail ko rin ‘to.

Ikaw ay Pilipino kapag….

MANNERISM AND PERSONALITY TRAITS
1. You point with your lips

2. You eat with your hand and have it down as a technique

3. Your other piece of luggage is a “Balikbayan Box”

4. You nod your head upwards to greet someone

5. You put your foot up on your chair and rest your elbows  on your knees while you eat

6. You use a rock to scrub yourself in the shower

7. You kiss relatives on the cheek when you enter the room

8. You’re standing next to eight big boxes at the airport

9. You collect items from hotels or restaurants as ”souvenirs”

10. Your house has a distinctive aroma

11. You smile for no reason

12. You flirt by having a foolish grin on your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly

13. You go to department stores and try bargain with the price

14. You scratch your head when you don’t know the answer

15. You never eat the last morsel of food on the table

16. You go bowling

17. You play pusoy or mahjong

18. You prefer to sit in the shade instead of basking in the sun

19. You add an unwarranted ‘H’ to your name: Jhun, Bhoy, Rhon

20. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say “Excuse, Excuse” when you pass in between people or in front of the TV

21. Your middle name is your mom’s maiden name

22. You like everything that is imported or ‘stateside’

23. Your perfectly comfortable in a squatting position with your elbows resting on your knees

24. You consistently arrive 30 minutes late for events

25. You always offer food to your visitors

26. You put your arm on the other person’s shoulder if he or she is a close friend of yours

27. You draw a rectangle in the air when asking for the bill, which never fails to baffle the restaurant staff

28. You don’t sit on the bowl in public toilets, no matter what part of town or if your thighs ache like hell; and you flush the toilet with your feet

29. You think ‘tuck out’ is the opposite of ‘tuck in’

30. You tell everyone you meet where you studied and the intricacies of your family tree-just to show them you come from good stock – it never occurs to you that people may not have heard of your university or your clan’s last name

31. You show up late for work and your excuse is ‘I forgot to on the alarm’ or better yet ‘traffic eh’

32. You linger over the Tonite and Balita tabloids available at the Star Ferry, but quickly buy the Asian Wall Street Journal when other Filipinos start browsing

33. Brushing your teeth after lunch in the office lavatory is an unbreakable habit, even if your colleagues can’t bear touching the taps after you’ve drooled and spat all over them

34. Namedropping is your favorite sport when you meet up with new acquaintances from back home

35. Toni Braxton, Basia and Swing Out Sister are your idea of party music, you hardly listen to anything else

36. You sell Amway and Herbalife as sideline

37. You fight noisily with Cathay Pacific check-in staff over the size of  handcarried luggage-which could be anything from oversized suitcases to major appliances

38. You underdeclare your income when you pay Phil tax, even if it’s peculiar that a consultant is paid little more than a domestic helper’s wages

39. At Immigration, when they call out ‘Maria’, you and 46 other women stand up

40. When they play ‘Anak’ anywhere, your chest swells with pride and say ‘that’s Filipino’

41. You think taking a shower and taking a bath are the same thing

42. You use shopping bags as garbage bags

43. You use laundry detergent to wash your dishes

44. You use print rags from an imported fashion magazine as cover of your textbooks and notebooks

45. You enjoy watching Pinoy action films with the same plot: Hero and villain are mortal enemies. Hero’s family’s killed by villain. Hero seeks revenge. Hero meets bar girl with sad tale of past love. She comes from a poor family, that’s why she’s working in the bar. They fall in love. Villain kidnaps girl, threatens to kill her if hero won’t stop harassing him and his henchmen. Hero rescues girl, they run away. Chase goes on in a dilapidated car. Hero finally kills villain and police arrive. Hero and girl live happily ever after.

VOCABULARY
1. You say ‘for take out’ instead of ‘to go’ (‘take away’ for Singaporean)

2. You ‘open’ and ‘close’ the lights

3. You ask for ‘Colgate’ instead of toothpaste

4. You ask for ‘pentel pen’ instead of a ballpen or pen

5. You refer to refrigerator as ‘ref’, ‘Frigidare’, or ”pridyider”

6. You say ‘kodakan’ instead of take a picture

7. You order ‘McDonalds’ instead of hamburger, which you pronounce ‘ham-boor-jer’

8. You say ‘Ha?’ instead of ‘what?’

9. You say ‘Hoy!’ to get someone’s attention

10. You answer when someone yells ‘Hoy!’

11. You turn around when you hear ‘pssst’

12. You say ‘Cutex’ instead of nail polish

13. You say ‘for a while’ instead of ‘Please hold’ on the telephone

14. You say ‘he’ when you mean ‘she’ and vice versa

15. Your sneeze sounds like ‘Ahh-ching’ instead of ’Ahh-choo’

16. You say ‘Aray’ instead of ‘ouch’

17. You make acronyms for phrases: ‘OA’ = overacting, ‘DOM’ = dirty old man, and ‘TNT’ for… You know

18. You say ‘aircon’ instead of ‘A/C’ or airconditioner

19. You pronounce the ff. words: ‘Hippopo-TA-mus’, ’com-FOR-table’, ‘Bro-CO-li’, and ‘Montgo-marry Ward’

20. You say ‘brown-out’ instead of ‘black-out’

21. You say ‘Ay’ or “Uy” instead of ‘oops’

22. You start with ‘actually’ when you’re trying to explain something

23. You say ‘comfort room’ instead of bathroom

24. You pronounce ‘fax’ as the four letter word

25. Ano’ and ‘di ba’ regularly slip out during conversations

26. You say, ‘my girlfriend will fetch,’ when foreigners think fetching is for dogs

27. You try hard to speak English and when you don’t know what to say next, you say ‘you know…’

28. You change your accent according to the person you’re talking to

29. When someone’s pregnant, you say ‘she’s on the way’

30. You say ‘ayyss—!’ in kolehiyala accent to show any kind of extreme emotion – ‘ayyy, shheeettt, nag-split na sila? ‘ayysss, shheeettt talaga?

31. When somebody gives you a compliment, instead of saying thank you, you say ‘hindi naman’

HOME FURNISHINGS
1. You use ‘walis tambo’ and ‘walis ting-ting’ as opposed to a conventional broom

2. You own a karaoke machine

3. You own a piano that no one ever plays

4. You have a portrait of the Last Supper hanging on your dining room wall

5. You have a ‘tabo’ in your bathroom

6. You have a rose garden

7. Your house is cluttered with ‘burloloys’

8. You display a big laughing Buddha for good luck

9. You have a Santo Nino shrine in your living room

10. You own a ‘barrel man’ (schwing!) from Baguio

11. You have ‘parol’ displayed during the holidays

12. You cover your living room furniture with bed sheets

13. Your lampshades still have plastic covers on them

14. You have plastic runners to cover your carpets

15. You refer to VCR as ‘Betamax’ even if it’s a VHS

16. You own a rice dispenser

17. You own a turbo broiler

18. You own a lamp with oil that drips down to the strings

19. You have a giant wooden spoon and fork hanging in your dining room

20. You own Capiz shell chandeliers, lamps or placemats

21. You have a pair of wooden tinikling dancers on your wall

22. You have ‘Weapons of Moroland’ shield hanging on your living room wall

23. Your wall to wall carpeting includes the ceiling

24. You own one of those fiber-optic flower lamps

25. Your microwave, washer, TV, VCR, computer, printer, toaster and doorknobs are hidden under quilted covers

26. You have the entire Apo Hiking Society collection, plus maybe some Tito Mina and Pops Fernandez thrown in

27. There’s a pail in your bathroom, just in case there’s a water shortage or the toilet won’t flush

28. You have fly swatter in your kitchen

29. You have multiplex tapes

30. You buy song hit mixes like “New Wave Disco Hits”

CLOTHING AND APPEARANCE

1. There’s Angelique eyeliner and Johnson’s Baby Powder compacts lurking inyour makeup drawer

2. You use Perla soap on your face

3. You have several pairs of ‘tsinelas’ at your doorstep

4. You deliberately flaunt your pager and cellphone

5. You find dried-up morsels or rice stuck to your shirt

6. You check labels on clothes to see where it’s made

7. You hang your clothes out to dry

8. You’ve had the same bobbed hairstyle since high school

9. You wear fake or original Tommy Hilfiger shirts in bold and shouting prints

10. Your next goal is to buy Polo or Burberry’s bag

11. Your ponytail ribbon covers half your head

12. You wore kung fu shoes in high school

13. You use an umbrella for a shade on hot summer days

14. You play basketball in you chinellas (slippers)

AUTOMOBILES & DRIVING
1. Your car chirps like a bird or plays a tune in reverse

2. You have a rosary on your car rear view mirror

3. Your car horn can make three or more different sounds

4. You have those air fresheners in a bottle

5. You own a Mercedes Benz and call it a ‘Chedeng’

6. Your car has curb feelers on it

7. You have a fake banana display attached to your car window

8. You own a huge van conversion

9. You do not try to avoid pedestrians

10. A traffic cop says “your license expired eight years ago”

11. A road sign that says “Dangerous curve, Death toll 19″ causes you to make another accident

12. For you a yellow light means ” go paster”

13. A traffic cop is known to you as a “crocodile”

14. You refer to a female driver as a “lesbian”

15. You insist on fitting 8 people into a taxi, much to the distress of the driver, and say, ‘we’re making ‘kandong’

FAMILY & FRIENDS

1. You were raised believing every Filipino was an aunt and uncle

2. Your dad or uncle was in the Navy

3. Your mom or sister is a Nurse

4. You get smelling kisses from your grandma

5. Your parents call each other mommy and daddy

6. You know someone with a name that repeats itself, i.e. Jon-Jon, Len-Len, Jong-Jong, or Bing-Bing

7. You have aunt & uncle named Baby, Girlie or Boy

8. You know a veteran dynamite fisherman called “Lefty”

9. You have a dog named whitie, blackie or bantay

10. Your parents call each other ‘Mahal’ and they call you ’Anak’ or by your wonderful Filipino nickname you’ve had all your life (Jang, Cici, Meng, Choy-Choy, etc) ….and you KNOW they’re mad at each other or at you when they use actual names

FOOD
1. You think eating chocolate rice pudding and dried fish is a great morning meal

2. You order breakfast items like tapsilog, longsilog, or tocilog at restaurants

3. You always grab a toothpick after each meal

4. You order a ‘soft drink’ instead of soda

5. You dip bread in your morning coffee

6. You refer to seasonings and all forms of MSG as ’Ajinomoto’

7. Your cupboard is full of corned beef hash, spam and vienna sausage

8. You appreciate a fresh pot of hot rice

9. You bring your ‘baon’ to work everyday

10. Your ‘baon’ is usually something over rice

11. Goldilocks means more to you than a fairy tale character (bakery)

12. You wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups

13. You eat purple Yam flavored ice cream (ube)

14. You know that ‘chocolate meat’ isn’t really made with chocolates

15. You think half-hatched duck eggs (balut) are a delicacy

16. You have an ice shaver for making ‘halo-halo’

17. Your cloth tablecloths have telltale ‘tuyo’ circles on them

18. You have to have a bottle of Jufran handy

19. You use your fingers to measure the water when cooking rice

20. Neighbors complain about the smell of ‘tuyo’ on Sunday mornings

21. You fry Spam and hotdogs and eat them with rice

22. You eat rice for breakfast

23. You have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer

24. Your buy ketchup made from bananas and named after alien spaceships

25. You’ve eaten hotdogs made from worse things than lips and ass

26. You put hotdogs in your spaghetti

27. You consider dilis the Filipino equivalent to french fries

28. You know the meaning of double dead egg. double dead chicken

29. The pasalubong you want from Manila is cornik, which you snack on eight times a day in the office

30. Your idea of a diet is a diet coke with a McDonald’s meal

31. You serve coffee in small glass coffee containers

32. You drink beer with ice

48 WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.

2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.

3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

4. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.

5. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.

6. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.

7. You have never used your dishwasher.

8. You eat all meals in the kitchen.

9. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.

10. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

11. You always leave your shoes at the door.

12. You have a piano in your living room.

13. You play a musical instrument.

14. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).

15. You twirl your pen around your fingers.

16. You hate to waste food…. Even if you’re totally full, if someone says they’re going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you’ll finish them.

17. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing. You don’t own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.

18. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

19. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald’s.

20. Ditto for paper napkins.

21. You never order room service.

22. You own a rice cooker.

23. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

24. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.

25. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.

26. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.

27. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and hey they refer it that way). Or if you’re married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your  parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

28. Your parents’ house is always cold.

29. You reuse teabags.

30. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.

31. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.

32. You only make long distance calls after 11 pm.

33. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon (ampalaya).

34. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they’re fresh.

35. You always cook too much.

36. If you don’t live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you’ve eaten, even if it’s midnight.

37. You e-mail your friends at work, even though you are only 10 feet apart.

38. Your parents send money to their relatives in the Philippines.

39. You’re always late.

40. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don’t eat the last piece of food on the table.

41. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.

42. You never discuss your love life with your parents.

43. Your parents are never happy with your grades.

44. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you’re never going to use them again.

45. You keep used batteries.

46. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

47. Your relatives either work in medicine or real estate.

48. You take this message and forward it to all your Filipino friends.

SOME MORE SIGNS
1. Most Filipino women / young women own a LOT of shoes! They will also never wear more than half of them again

2. You get punished by kneeling on rice.

3. Cokes are reserved for visitors to your house.

4. Your mother / grandmother’s most precious item is her sewing machine.

5. You’ve been to a Buddy Poppy event.

6. you buy 25 lb. bags or rice and gallon jugs of soy sauce.

7. trying to explain to people why Philippines starts with ”Ph” and Filipino starts with “F”.

8. your grandparents leave the TV on even when nobody watches it.

9. the exact same artificial christmas tree with the same ornaments, year after year.
10. you know a relative in the VFW or VFW ladies auxiliary.

11. your parents try to get you to go on a date with a child of one their friends.

From: A Filipino.
BOB ONG

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