SMS Jokes 44

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
Boss: If i give u $3 million less 17%, how much wud u take off?
Secretary: Everything, sir! Dress, panty and bra.

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Always remember: when she cancels a date, it’s because she “has to.” But when he cancels a date, it’s because he “has two.

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What is ill vain? Do u know ill vain? Ill vain is that which comes after teyn but always before tweylb, terteyn n most of ol forteyn.

The above SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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Sa araw ng kasal mo, ano ang gagampanin ko?

a. asawa
b. bestman
c. bride’s maid
d. maid of honor
e. ring bearer
f. ninang/ninong
h. pari
i. guest
j. yung taong sisigaw ng “tigil ang kasal”

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World’s 7 Most Dishonest Jobs:

7. Beautician (ssbihin maganda ang customer kahit di naman)
6. Abogado (ipagtatanggol ang kriminal kahit mali)
5. Artista (todo deny kahit buking na)
4. Tindera (suki tawag kažt ngaun lng kita)
3. Preschoolteacher (very gud ang drawing kahit pangit)
2. Kundoktor ng jeep (ssbižng 2 pa ang kasya kahit puno na)
1. Presidente ng Pinas (magserve daw sa tao pero ngpapayaman lng sa sarili at pamilya, gusto pang mgchacha)

* * * * *

Noy: Sabi nila. Mukhang pera ka.
Villar: Please! My name is manny. And not money.

* * * * *

A man sees an ad for ob/gyne’s assistant & asks for more info from doc’s secretary.

“The job is to get lady patients ready. Help them out of their undies, lie them down & wash pubic area. Apply shaving foam and shave off all pubic hair then rub in soothing oil so they’re ready for doc’s examination. Salary is P1.8M/ year but you have to go to Ilocos Norte.”

“What for?”

That’s where the tail of application line is now.”

* * * * *

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for a vibrator when the clerk said, “Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It’s our most realistic model.” The woman asked, “You mean it’s shaped exactly like a penis?”

“No,” clerk replied, “I mean that after 5 minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night.”

* * * * *

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette’s word was quizzical. The redhead’s word was photosynthesis. The blonde’s word was DICK!

* * * * *

3 gays are sitting in a bar. The 1st one farts & doesn’t make a sound. The 2nd one farts and also doesn’t make a sound. The 3rd guy farts and it’s loud. Owing to advances in medical technology, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new clinic where breast augmentation surgery is done on an oThe other two say, “Ooo, a virgin!”utpatient basis in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice…

“JIFFY BOOBS.”

* * * * *

WARNING:

When removing a bra, you should not say any of the following:

1. “I really want to thank you for this.”
2. “Dang it! I thought they were bigger.”
3. “Do you have any cereal?”

* * * * *

Semen contains small amounts of more than 30 elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes…

so healthy pala ang blowjob!

* * * * *

At a party the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality.” It’s only a matter of time before the cause of homosexuality is determined to he hormonal,” opined a guest.
“Too much sperm on their diets!” replied the host.

* * * * * *

A woman says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Ali! All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

Mother says, “You’re married to a billionaire, you live in a London palace, you drive a Masserati, you get a million a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw that away for 45 cents…?!”

* * * * *

A concerned young wife asks a priest, “Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?”

He replied, “Only if you block the aisle!”

* * * * *

TECH NEWS:

A joint venture between Japanese camera makers, Nikon and Asahi, have produced a new technical marvel… a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

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The above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

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