SMS Jokes 48

Fill in the blanks:
1.BOO_S?
2. _ _NDOM?
3.F_ _ K?
4.P_ N_S?
5.PU_S_?

Answers:
1.BOOKS
2.RANDOM
3.FORK
4.PANTS
5.PULSE

May ¨ have a cleaner mind. Bastos!

* * * * *

JUAN: Father, nagnakaw po ako ng Nike at Rockford shoes…
PARI: Ssshh…
May size 8 ba?

* * * * *

Mga Signs Ur Pandesal & Other Bakery Products Have Shrunk:

1. Ur usual 15 minute breakfast is reduced to 5 minutes.
2. Brazo Mercedes is renamed ‘Daliri ni Mercedes.’
3. Ur small daugter boasts of a new learned stunt from her yaya: “ang paglunok ng 3 pirasong tinapay nang sabay-sabay.”
4. When U go to the bakery and say, “pabili nga po ng pandesal,” & the baker would reply, “Ilang tabletas?”

* * * * *

QUESTION: Which is safer, doing 69 or driving thru fog?
ANSWER: Doing 69.
Why?
At least you can see the ASSHOLE in front of You..:-p

* * * * *

What Happens When You Fall In Love With…

A chef? – you get buttered up.
A chauffeur? – you’re taken for a ride.
A gambler? – he cheats on you.
A telephone operator? – he gives you a phone-y line.
A clockmaker? – he 2-times you.
An artist? – he gives you the brush.
A jogger? – he gives you the run-around.
A shoe salesman? – he walks over you.
A patissier?- he desserts you.

* * * * *

A black fireman came home from work and told the wife of the new system at the station..
“Bell 1 rings – we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings – we slide down d pole.
Bell 3 rings – we jump on d fire engine and go.
From now on, womon, when I say ‘bell 1’ you strip naked. When I say ‘bell 2’ you jump on de bed. When I say ‘bell 3’ we’s gonna make love.”

The next night, he shouted “Bell 1!” and the wife strips! “Bell 2!” and she jumps onto the bed. “Bell 3!” and they started love making. After a few minutes, she yells, “Bell 4!” “Womon… What de hell is ‘bell 4?!'” She replies, “ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, YOU AIN’T NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!”

* * * * *

A virgin Polish guy gets into bed on his honeymoon. His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, “Do you know what I want?” He says no.
She lies in bed, spreads her legs wide, and asks again, “Now, do you know what I want?” He replies, “Yeah… you want the whole friggin’ bed to yourself!!!”

* * * * *

TRUTH ABOUT KISSING:
Do u know that the scientific name for kissing is philematology?
The scientific way to describe it s anatomical juxtaposition of 2 orbicularis muscle in a state of contraction..
You burn 26 calories in a 1 minute kiss
it’s a great cardi0vascular w0rk out bcoz wen u kiss, u release adrenaline into d bloodstream & ur heart pumps more blood around your body.

see? diá naman puro horniness lang! with health benefits, oi!

* * * * *

QUOTATION OF THE DAY:

Platonic friendship is like a dick in a glass…
In case of an emergency, you break the glass!

* * * * *

Prayer for my Boss or Husband:

Lord, give me the wisdom and patience to understand my boss (husband), and the love to forgive him. But dear God, please don’t give me strength lest I crack his skull!

* * * * *

A marriage counselor wondered why a couple want to separate when they are newly weds. So he took each one into separate rooms and asked them the reason…

1st with the man..
“I wanted this ()
… at least this ( )
.. but what is this (***) ?!”

.. then with the woman..

“I wanted this ===========>
… at least this ========>
.. but what is this ===>?!”

* * * * *

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his face tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. She fell again for a soldier and had his face tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned. Later she met a marine and married him. On their honeymoon, he began to laugh.

SHE: What in the world is so funny..?
HE: Oh, I’m just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now!

* * * * *

Guy in a bar ordered for some milk.
A pregnant topless dancer came and squeezed the milk out of her tits onto a glass.
Guy looked at this and thought to himself, “I’d hate to see how they give out Bloody Marys.”

* * * * *

If you think life is bad..
How would you like to be an egg?
You get laid only once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all…
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up…
Your life ain’t that bad!

* * * * *

A neighbor of Erap adopted a Chinese baby girl. He came by to see the baby, and asked, “But what will you do when she gets older and starts speaking Chinese?”

* * * * *

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES COURTESY OF MIKE

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