A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” said the judge,”using your logic, I sentence the accussed arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled and with his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial arm, laid it on the bench, and walked out.”
Race car driver picked up a girl after a race, and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened by a smack in the face.
Driver: What’s the matter?! Didn’t I satisfy you?
Girl: It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble. In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, “What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, “What smooth finish.”
Driver: What’s wrong with that?
Girl: Nothing, but then you touched my pussy, and yelled, “Who the hell left the garage door open?!?”
Guy met a nice girl and after several drinks soon wound up in bed. They’re having a great time when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure. Our uninformed male thought this was the best sex he’d ever had, He’ finished, but she’s still shaking and thrashing about with seizure. Getting edgy, he took her to the emergency room. ER nurse asked what’s the girl’s problem, and he replied, “Er….I think her orgasm is stuck!”
There were 3 guys named Manners, Shutup and Crap. One day, they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But shutup ran so fast the police caught him.
Police1: What’s your name?
Police2: Where’s your manners?
Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!
80% of men and women masturbate when taking a bath. The remaining 20% just sing.
Question: What is the title of the song? Di mo alam noh?
Sabi na nga ba, kasama ka sa 80% eh.
What’s the difference between a baseball fielder and a condom?
One drops a catch and the other catches a drop.
The INC endorsed Sen. Mar Roxas for Vice President. Rumors say a disappointed Jejomar Binay called up a high-ranking INC official to ask why he didn’t get the endorsement. The INC official replied, Bloc voting po ang isinusulong namin, hindi black voting…”
Tanong ng bayan: Sa harap ng sunod-sunod na endorsement mula sa mga “sugo ng kalangitan.” bakit wala pa yatang nag i-endorso kay Rey Langit?
Male morning sickness:
Waking to see one’s wife in curlers and facial cream.
There was an old lady who every morning stepped out of her house, raised up her hands and shouted, “praise the Lord!” The atheist neighbor irritated at the old lady followed the same daily ritual but yelled, “There is no God!”
One morning, the old lady stepped out of her house and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” she cried, “The Lord provides!”
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, “There is no God! I bought those groceries!”
The old lady raised up her hands and shouted, “Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and made the Devil pay for them!”;-)
New Dress After Marriage:
6 weeks – OMG, you look like an angel in that dress!
6 months – You bought a new dress again?!?
6 years – How much did THAT cost me?
ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE