SMS Jokes 92

Erap di makatulog sa ingay na aso ng kapitbahay. Finally, galit na tumayo si Erap and said, "Tama na! Pupunta ako sa kabila at tuturuan ko sila ng leksyon!

After 5 minutes bumalik si Erap.
LOI: Ano ginawa mo?
ERAP: Nilagay ko yung aso nila sa bakuran natin. Tingnan natin kung makakatulog rin sila!

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REPORTER: Sir,anu masasabi mo na naging "Dark Horse" si Binay sa pagiging Vice Pres.?
ERAP: Alam ko MAITIM lang c Jojo,pero di ko alam na KABAYO pala ang hyop na yun.Buti na lang at di ko binoto yun!:-(

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Babala sa mga Kaibigan na di kumakain ng red meat, taba, di nagpupuyat, di nag kakape, di umiinom..
Balang araw, mawawalan ka ng mga Friends. Patay na kaming lahat, buhay ka pa! 🙂

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Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin blew his top during Thursday’s hearing when Smartmatic-TIM representatives couldn’t explain clearly why poll results transmitted by the PCOS machines had different time stamps that didn’t reflect actual opening and closing times of polling precincts. Locsin shouted, "You sons of bitches!" to Smartmatic reps… who hastily called a press con after hearing to deny that PGMA was their mother. 😀

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Psychologist say a lot of men suffer from premature ejaculation.
This is not true! It’s the women who suffer from men’s premature ejaculation.

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Girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up. The light turned green, yellow, then red. "Whatsa matter, miss," yelled a cop. "Don’t you like any of our colors?"

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Define a defeated candidate:
A person who is lucky because he doesn’t have to explain why he didn’t keep campaign promises.
Lucky guy!:-)

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WOMEN WITH LITTLE BREASTS..
.. don’t cause traffic accidents every time they bend over in public
.. dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
.. can always see their toes and shoes
.. can sleep on their stomachs
.. know that people read entire message on their t-shirts
.. can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

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STATEMENT OF THE CENTURY
"If women, aye, women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the fu*kin same time?" :-*

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Wife comes home rather late. "Oh, sweetheart," she called, "your car’s on Broadway Street."
"Why didn’t you bring it home?" her husband asked.
"Couldn’t," she said. "It’s too dark out there to find all the parts."

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Man1: Your wife is a lovely woman.
Man2: She’s getting old.
Man1: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Man2: She’s aging like milk! 😀

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What happens when you fall for…
A Chef? – You get buttered up.
A Chauffeur? – You get taken for a ride.
A Gambler? – He cheats on you.
A Telephone Operator? – He gives you a phone-y line.
A Trash Collector? – He dumps you.
A Pastry maker? – He desserts you.
An Artist? – He gives you the brush off.
A Jogger? – He gives you the run-around.:-D

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Nude lady goes to a bar. Ask for a keg, bartender stares at her and serves. Lady asks him, "have you never seen  nude women?" He says, "I have, but I am just curious to know from where you will take out the money.":-*

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A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two bulls have fallen on sad days. He’s letting them hang around for old time’s sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks, "Why are you doing that?" The old bull answers, "I don’t want him to think I’m one of these cows!!"%-)

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Shopping Math:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need!
Tama?:-)

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A doctor came to visit a confined patient. Patient started crying and pleading, "Doctor, please save me!"
Duty nurse got irritated and told the patient, "You should not worry, you owe the hospital P20,000 for board and lodging, P18,000 for medicines, P70,000 for surgery, and P40,000 in doctors’ fees. Tell me why would the doctor kill you?":-D

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Real Meaning of Husband
H – Headaches
U – Unlimited
S – Since
B – Beginning
A – And
N – Never
D – Diminishes :-*

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REVISED EDITION:
In today’s world, we have to be politically correct, esp. when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. Remember these tips and save yourself from a sexual harassment suit!
She does not get PMS. She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL.
She is not a Bad Cook. She’s MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not Hooked on Soap Operas. She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED.
She isn’t a Gossip. She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR.
She doesn’t Gain Weight. She’s a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She doesn’t Wear Too Much Make-up. She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED.:-D

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Man was looking for organic vegetables for his wife around a fresh produce market. Finding none, he asked an old vendor, "These veggies are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
Old man said, "No. You have to do that yourself.":-)

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A guy at a bar with friends. He asked, "What is the difference between a Watch and a Wife?"
One of his friends picks up, "Well, when a watch malfunctions it stops but, when a wife malfunctions, boy it just starts!":-)

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A British colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed had an enormous hard-on.
"Sergeant Major," the colonel said, "give the man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yessir!" replied the sgt. major.
A few months later the same thing happened with the same man and was given another 30 days compassionate home leave.
Three months later, same guy, same problem.  Colonel is angry and then asked the sgt. major what’s the man’s problem was. Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It’s you he’s fond of!"

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3 married couples died and got taken to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told 1st guy, "I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." He walked away dejected.
Next couple stepped up, and St. Peter told husband, "Can’t let you in. You let money run your life, and even married a girl named Penny." The guy hang his head and walked away.
The third husband waiting in line overheard the conversations and told his wife, "Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.";-)

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Blonde shopping at supermarket. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn’t matter," she replied, "I’m bisacksual."

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An executive rushed home to break news to his wife. "Honey, let’s celebrate! I was promoted to Vice President!"
"So, what’s the big deal, honey," replied the wife. "In this house, you’ve always been the Vice President!":-)

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ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

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