SMS Jokes 137

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Kakauwi lang nang isang OFW at bumisita siya sa syota niya. Pinagbigyan sila ng magulang at iniwanan sila sa sala.
Habang hinahalikan niya ang syota niya, nasilip niya ang bunsong kapatid na nanunuod sa kanila. Binigyan ni OFW ang kapatid nang P10 para umalis.
Umalis ang bata at mayat-maya ay bumalik at nagsabi, “Ito ang P100. Gusto kong manood.”

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ERAP: “Ano ang pinakamasarap sa manok?”
LITO LAPID: “Balun-balunan.”
ERAP: “Hindi!”
LITO LAPID: “Alam ko na. Hita!”
ERAP: “Hindi pa rin.”
LITO LAPID: “E, ano?”
ERAP: “Mais.”

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AMO: “Inday, ipagprito mo ako ng itlog, ayoko ng basag ang pula!”
INDAY: “Opo, nariyan na.”
BOSS: “Sinunod mo ba ang gusto na hindi mababasag ang pula?”
INDAY: “Nilaga ko na lang po mam, para siguradong buo ang pula.”
TOINK!

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Kung iiwan ka ng mahal mo samantalahin mo pagkakataon, yakapin mo sya ng mahigpit.
Hawakan mo ang kamay nya sabay bulong,
“suntukan tayo para memorable break up natin!!!!”

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Doctor: “Mrs, papayag ba kayo kung puso ng unggoy ang ipapalit ko sa puso ng Mister nyo?”
Mrs: “Wala na bang ibang choice? Para kasing hindi rin napalitan eh!”

Sa isang handaan, makalima nang beses bumabalik si Lando sa mesa ng pagkain.
“Hindi ka ba nahihiya?” tanong ng kasama nya. “Balik ka nang balik sa mesa?”
“Hindi,” sagot ni Lando, “sinasabi ko sa kanila para sa iyo lagi ang kinukuha ko.”

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Your salary is your personal business,” a boss told his new exec, “and it shouldn’t be disclosed to anyone.”
“I can’t dream of telling anyone about it,” said the exec. “I’m ashamed of it as you are!”

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Woman from Pinatubo with baby on a bus
DRIVER:”What an ugly babY!”
The w0man was hurt, she went to another seat.
The man next to her asked:”What’s wrong?”
WOMAN: “DrivEr just insulted me.”
MAN: “He should give you rEspect! Go gEt his name & ID #. I’ll hold your monkey for a while…”

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WIFE: “I heard you talk in your sleep last night.”
HUSBAND: “That’s right I do talk in my sleep. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a chance to talk at all!”

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What’s the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down. :P

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The three laws of Newton
1) the two and fro motion always produces a lotion
2) the depth of the hole is always equal to the height of the pole
3) the elasticity of the bra is always proportional to. . . . .

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What’s the generic name of condom?
Parasatamod.
The generic name of vibrators?
Parasamani.
The generic name of Viagra?
Paratumayo.

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Two Pinoy tourists were driving thru Louisiana. As dey were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back & forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the “blonde” employee: “Before we order, could u please settle an argument for us? Would you pls pronounce were we’re at… VERY SLOWLY?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter & said..”Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”

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Today’s Quote:
A marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.”

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Tim goes to his boss, and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife’s going to have a baby.” His boss agrees.
Two days later, Tim goes back to work, and his boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?”
Tim replies, “We won’t know for nine months.”

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The theme of a costume party at a mental hospital was “war.”
The 1st person comes up onto the stage and says, “I’m an atomic bomb.” He gets applause and steps down.
The 2nd person comes up and says, “I’m a hydrogen bomb.” Again, there’s applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up and says, “I’m dynamite.”
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, “Didn’t you see how small his fuse was?”

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The boss listened in sympathy as an employee went through the reasons why he felt he deserved a raise.
The boss patted the younger man on the shoulder, and said, ” Yes, I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and someday, you’ll thank me for it.”

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Pagkagaling sa simbahan. . .
MISIS: “Nakita mo ba ang napakaikling baro noong katabi ko? At ang hikaw na peke noong nasa harap natin? At ang sobrang make-up noong babaeng nasa kaliwa mo?”
MISTER: “Hindi, nakatulog ako, eh.”
MISIS: “Ano ba ang ginagawa mo sa simbahan?”

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A guy has a brand new FERRARI California sports car that he enters into a Demolition Derby. Another guy goes up to him & asks why he’s using such an expensive car for something such as this.

Guy1: “My wife & I are separated.”
Guy2: “Well, what’s that got to do with it?”
Guy1: “The car goes to my ex tomorrow.”

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QUOTE OF THE DAY:

“A good day
is when
you wake up
without
a chalk
outline. . .

around your body.”

Patay tayo dyan!:-D

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A little girl & her grandma came across a pair of dogs mating.
GIRL: “what are they doing, Grandma?”
GRANDMA: (embarrassed) “The dog on top has hurt his paw & the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
GIRL: “They’re like people aren’t they? Offer someone a helpin’ hand & they fuck you everytime!”

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Reporter: “Ano po ba ang iniiyak nyo… e fake namang yung naholdap sa iyo.”
Misis: “Masakit eh.. ipinalulon kasi sa akin nu’ng holdaper ‘yung fake na pera!”

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Si Tonyo umuwi ng lasing na lasing. Siya ay sumakay ng dyip, “Mamang driver, heto bayad ko. .”
Tinanong ng drayber kung saan sya galing. Paunti-unting lumapit sa drayber at bumulong, “Sssssh… sa kabaret.”

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Dahan-dahang lumapit sa likod ng babae ang binata at tinakluban ng palad nya ang mata nito: “Hahalikan kita kapag hindi mo nahulaan kung sino ako sa tatlong hula.”

“Si Rizal, Bonifacio, Juan Luna!”

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**All of the above SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE.

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