Isang araw nangingisda sa park ang isang probinsyanong si Juan. Nakita siya ng guard..
Guard: “hoi!!! Bawal mamingwit dyan… hindi mo ba nakikita at nababasa “NO FISHING ALLOWED”
Juan: “grabe ka naman… nililiguan ko lang naman ang uod eh…”
BOY: “Kaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko!”
GAL: “Bakit wala ka bang nanay?”
“Parang elevator lang yan eh. Bakit mO pagsisiksikan un sarili mo kung wala ng puwesto para sayo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang
pansinin.” ~ Bob Ong
May sumagot naman ng: “Mapuno man ang elevator, sigurado namang babalik din ito at darating yun panahon na makakasakay ka din.” ~ Juan Tamad
PROFESSOR: Which of the two travels faster – heat or cold?
NURSING STUDENT: “Heat, sir.PROFESSOR: why?”
NURSING STUDENT: “We can’t catch heat but we can catch cold.”
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you get fucked!
A kid in a bus sitting behind the driver starts reciting, “if my dad was a bull n my mom is a cow, I’d be a little bull.” Driver gets irritated by the
Kid continues, “if my dad was an elephant an my mom was a girl elephant, I would be a baby elephant.” Kid goes on & on with many animal names as the driver gets more irritated, and asks,
“what if your dad was a gay n your mom was a prostitute?”
Kid smiles & replies, “i would have been a bus driver!”
1st man asked: Whats the similarity between a woman & a boat?”
2nd man replied: “The bottoms are always wet!”
Sa isang repair shop merong sign na nakalagay:
“WE CAN FIX ANYTHING WITH GUARANTEE.
Please knock loud, doorbell out of order”
I ran into a friend the other day & he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “As you know I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a local dinner theater, Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet.””
“I went & tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly states, “Enter Juliet from the rear.””
ERAP: “Pare, ang lakas ng ulan, hindi ka makakauwi. Dito ka na lang matulog.”
LAPID: “Sige, pare, dito na ko matutulog, kukunin ko lang pajama sa bahay.”
ERAP: “Sige, pare…hintayin kita.”
A man is OLD if forgets to CLOSE his zipper!
OLDER if he forgets to OPEN his zipper!
OLDEST if he does not need a zipper. .
Young mother to a watching nurse after delivery…
“He’s only two days old and already he is just like his father..
HE SLEEPS WHILE I TALK TO HIM!”:-*
A bank opened near a cemetery and put up this sign..
“You can’t take it with you when you go, but bank with us and you would at least be near it.”
MASAHISTA: “sir, ano po gusto niyong masahe? HIGH or LOW?”
CUSTOMER: “Ano naman ang kaibahan ng HIGH at LOW?”
MASAHÌSTA: “Naka ti-HIGH-ya ako o nakaLOW-hod.”
One day a man was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in different languages.
“No, pal,” he said, “one tongue is sufficient for any woman.”
“The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. It controls the Four “F’s”: 1. Fighting, 2. Fleeing 3. Feeding 4. F*ckng.” (Neuropsychology Professor)
Begar- Give Me Food.
Man- I’l take u to the Bar.
Begar- I dont Drink, Give Me Food.
Man- I’l give u Cigars.
Begar- I don’t Smoke, Give Me Food.
Man- I’l take u to the Races.
Begar- I dont Gamble. Give Me Food.
Man- I’l Get u a Call Girl.
Begar- I only Sleep with My Wife. Give Me Food.
Man- I’l give u Food but First u have 2 come to My House.
Man- I want My Wife to see wat happens to People, when they dont DRINK, SMOKE, GAMBLE & SLEEP WITH THEIR OWN WIVES ONLY.
**All of the above SMS Jokes courtsey of MIKE. ðŸ˜€