SMS Jokes 152

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7 tips para maiba ang araw mo:

1 .ibenta ang celpon at saka maki-text
2. ibigay ang wallet sa katabi sabay sigaw ng “holdap!”
3. maglaro ng taguan, tapos umuwi sa bahay.
4. paghiwa-hiwalayin ang sangkap ng 3-in-1 coffee
5.uminom ng 5 tasang kape at matulog.
6. kurutin ang katabi at unahang umiyak.
7.makipag jak en poy sa salamin hanggang sa manalo.

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MGA TRABAHO KUNG DI MATAPOS SA ESKWELA~
ENGINEERING – panday
EDUCATION – tambay
CRIMINOLOGY – tanod
PMA/PNPA – cagfu, rebelde
MEDICINE – albolario
ACCOUNTANCY – tindera
FINE ARTS – maminta
PSCYHOLOGY – manghuhula
TOURISM – despatser
MASSCOM – bugaw
DEVCOM – borikat
HRM – waiter, waitress
NURSING – boy, maid, yaya

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Couples Had Twins
They Named, Tara & Sitara
Again Twins, Peter & Repeater
Again Twins, Max & Climax
Again Twins, Finally Named Tired & Retired

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One night Pres. Obama & Michelle went to dinner at a resto.
When they were seated, resto’s owner asks the president if he could please talk to Mrs. Obama in private. Mr. Obama obliges & Michelle had a talk with the owner.
When Michelle rejoined the president, she told him that the owner was madly in love with her when she was a teenager.
President said she would now be the owner of the resto if she married him, to which she replied, “No, if I had married him, he would now be the President.”

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-ISANG ARAW SA SUPERMARKET-
Prom0 girl: “free taste po mam!”
Misis: (tumikim ng isa) “bakit ganito? lasang bulok!!”
Prom0 girl: “Ai mam yan po ang mangyayari sa pgkain ninyo pag hIndi nyo nilagay sa ref. Kaya mAm bumili na kau ng ref namen..”
Misis: “Punyeta ka!!”

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DAD: Without going, how will you know?
SON: Exam leaked two days ago!!!

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KULAS: “Pare alam nyo ung lolo ko pinigilan ung jeep kasi mababangga yun tricycle nasa harapan.”
BOT: “Wala yan sa lolo ko! Ung trak pinigilan nya ganung nasa likuran pa sya.”
PAENG: “Ung lolo ko kahit anong klaseng sasakyan pa kayang pigilan. Basta hinarang lang nya ang kamay nya magsisitigil lahat!”
KULAS/BOT: “Ha?”
PAENG: “Ang totoo nyan dating pulis ang lolo ko.”

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3 men died in an accident X’mas eve. At the pearly gates, they must present something “Christmasy” to enter Heaven.
1st guy searches his pocket, & finds mistletoe, so he’s let in.
2nd guy presents a X’mas card, so he’s also let in.
3rd guy pulls out a panty. Puzzled, St. Peter asks how do this represent X’mas.
3rd guy said, “They’re CAROL’s”

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Policeman spots a woman driving & knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, “Pull over!”
“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”:D

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Ladies Top 7 Lies:
7. Ano ba loob ng motel?
6. Huwag mong ipasok ha?
5. Dahan-dahan, masakit.
4. Huwag! Huwag!
3. First time ko.
2. It’s so good.
1. I don’t need your money.

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Have you done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1. Pray, so you may live…
2. Take a bath, so that others may live too!:D

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SHE – They say an apple a day will keep the doctor away.
HE – Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away.

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Nancy & Betty, Jim & Tom were in old people’s home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren’t getting enough excitement so they decided to run past Jim & Tom’s room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looke at Tom & said, “Did u see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?”
“I don’t know, but whatever it is, it sure needed ironing!”

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2 studyante naiwan sa classrum.

Boy: wala na ung mga classmates natin, tau nalang dito, anu tara?
Girl: anung tara?
Boy: sus, anu ba yan. bilisan mo na.
Girl: ah, ganun. bat dito? cge na nga.

Nagmamadaling naghubad ang girl.

Girl: tara na.
Boy: bakit ka naghubad. tara umuwi na din tau. tanga!

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Woman: Two *achoo!* tickets, please.
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before?
Woman: *cough* No.
Clerk: Then I need your adress.
Woman: OK. It’s 260… *Ahem* Sorry… Laryngitis..
Clerk: You’ll have to spell that one for me.

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Doctor: Congratulations! Tell your husband you’re pregnant.
Girl: I am single.
Doctor: Tell your lover then.
Girl: I have no lover
Doctor: OK, then, tell your parents for the Second Coming.

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A Husband is just Like
a SpLit-type Air Conditioner ..
No matter how Loud he is Outdoor, he is designed to remain Silent Indoor.

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Top 10 Moronic Moments~

1. Umihi ka at natalsikan ang damit mo.
2. Umakbay ka sa taong kala mo amigo mo.
3. Nanggulat pero walang nagulat.
4. Nagjoke ka, walang tumawa.
5. Aapir ka pero di ka inapiran.
6. Pag nabuko kang nakikitawa lang sa joke na di mo naman na gets.
7. Sumagot ka di ka namao pala kausap.
8. Napautot ka ng malakas sa isang sinehan habang tahimik lahat.
9. Lumabas ang sipon mo sa sobrang tuwa.
10. Tapos sininghot mo pabalik imbes na punasan.

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A 5th grader looked downcast so her teacher, “What’s the problem, Tim? I hope it’s not homework again.”
“Well, yes, it is,” replied Tim. “I was so stupid & made my homework paper into a paper plane.”
“Right, that wasn’t a bright thing to do,” said teacher, “but I’ll let you unfold the paper & hand it in.”
“Oh, that won’t work,” replied Tim. “You see the plane was hijacked.”

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U.P. grad: A number of past presidents graduated from UP. Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Garcia, Marcos & Laurel, to name just a few!
ATENEO grad: Hah! That’s nothing like a number of Ateneo graduates who became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Juan Luna, Evelio Javier & many others.
UP grad: That goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents & lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala yan! Talo kau sa mga gradweyts namin!
UP&ATENEO: Bakit cnu ba mga graduates nyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Maraming sikat na gradweyts: si Gary V, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsieur del Rosario…:

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Mga kalokohan na pwede mong subukan:

*tumakbo ka ng hagdan habang nakapikit
*kumain ng bubble gum kasabay ng PIATOS
*kumaway sa mga tao habang nakadungaw ka sa bintana ng kotse
*bilangin mo ang ngipin mo gamit ang dila mo
*dilaan mo ang siko mo
*matulog ng dilat
*ilagay mo ang ice cube sa iyong kili-kili
*bumaba ng hagdan habang tumatalon patalikod
*umihi sa swimming pool:-D

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Here is a verse from a X’mas card sent from a congressman to a rival:
The election is over, the will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let’s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, we will give our leaders all the help they need.
So, let’s all get together, and let bitterness pass, I’ll hug you and you kiss my ass.

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** ALL of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE. 😀

Happy Wednesday everyone!

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