SMS Jokes 153

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Horoscope Today

Tutubuan ka ng isang malaking pimple sa gitna ng ilong… at dahil mag-papasko, tatawagin kang Rudolph.

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Sa isang jeepney, may naamoy ang lahat ng pasahero at ang drayber.
Isang Pasahero: “Utot! Ang baho!”
Tinanong ng drayber kung cno ang umutot pero walang umamin. May naisip ang drayber…
Drayber: “oh, bayad na ba ang umutot?”
Pasahero: “Opo.. kanina pa.”

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Pumunta ang isang Mangyan sa bar. Narinig nyang umorder ang isang lalaki, “Waiter, paorder ng 3ng KABAYO!”
Binigyan ng 3ng bote ng RED HORSE BEER ang umorder.
Sa kabilang mesa, narinig nyang umorder ang isa pang lalaki, “Waiter, 3ng AGILA nga!”
Binigyan ng 3ng bote ng GOLD EAGLE BEER ang umorder.
Napaisip ang Mangyan, “ano kaya ang sasabihin ko? Ah! Alam ko na!”
Sabi ng Mangyan, “Waiter, paorder ng 3ng PATO!” Binigyang ng waiter ng 3ng bote ng SILVER SWAN. Ininom agad ng Mangyan at sabi, “Wow! Sagad sa buto ang alat ng alak nyo… Lakas ng tama!”

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Desperate mugger approached a lady & told her to hand over all her money. When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her boobs & began feeling around.
“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

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Burning Evidence
Judge: “Can you please tell me the exact place where the accussed fucked your wife?”
Husband quickly lifted his wife skirt & who also has no underwear, replied, “At this spot, your honor, at this spot.”

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Two women were in a grocery store when one of them saw a man she knew. She began calling, “Dick, Dick!”
The man didn’t look up. The other lady gently told her buddy, “His name’s Peter.”
“Well, I know it was something like that.”

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DAD: “Anak, ngayong 18 ka na, ano wish mo?”
ANAK: “Gusto ko ng BJ with my boyfriend”
DAD: (namula sa galit at pinagsasampal ang anak) “Punyeta!”
ANAK: “Bakit kayo nagalit? Gusto ko lang mag BUNGEE JUMPING!”

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2 guys were supposed to meet at 4:30 pm. One showed up on time, the other at 5:00…

M1: “Where have you been?”
M2: “Sorry, had to go to my dentist. my dick’s hurting bad.”
M1: “Huh? Why the dentist?”
M2: “because I had a tooth stuck in it.”

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Minsan pagsapit ng umaga, nakakasawa yung bati ng good morning, eat ur breakfast o have a nice day!
Para maiba naman, “Tara! Tulog Ulit Tayo! Bitin Tulog Ko!

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A couple on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & wife was patting him on his butt.
He asks what she was doing, she said, “I’m playing the Tabla.” He turned around & told her, “Alright now you can start playing the flute.”

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A policeman saw a man on the top of floor of a building.

POLICE: “‘Wag kang tatalon! Marami pang nagmamahal sa ‘yo!”
MAN: “Tumahimik ka! ‘Wag mo kong pakialaman! Di ako maka-send! ”

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Man with a cane & sunglasses walks into a diner. Waiter asks if he would like a menu. Man replied no because he’s blind & asked for the fork the last customer used. Man smells fork & says “oh! chicken & fries I’ll have that.”
Next day, man returns & asks to smell the fork & says, “oh! pork chops & mashed potatoes, I’ll have that.”
On 3rd day, man returns, waiter goes to his wife/cook Mary in the kitchen & tells her the story. To mess up his mind, waiter asks Mary to rub fork between her legs.
Waiter brought the fork to the man to smell, & to his surprise, he says,”oh! I didn’t know Mary works here!”

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APO: “Lola, ano ho ang ibig sabihin ng COMPANIONSHIP? ”
Lola: “Yan ang pagsasama ng isang titing malambot at kiking tuyot na!”

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The worst thing na pweding sabihin ng tatay o nanay sa anak…
“kung alam ko lang ng magiging sakit ka nang ulo…
ipinunas na lang kita sa kumot…”

– it hurts! 🙁

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BLOWJOB ADVISORY:
1. Pagnilunok lahat, love ka niya.
2. Pag-ipinangmumog, nagyayabang siya.
3. Pag idinura, huwag mag-alala, may buhok lang na napasama.

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**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

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