SMS Jokes 156

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Dear Santa,
Anu ginagawa mo sa natitirang 364 na araw sa isang taon? Busy ka ba sa paggawa ng mga laruan?
Your friend,
Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Lahat ng laruan ko gawa sa China. May condo ako sa Vegas kung saan gumagawa ako ng mga low-budget porn.
Santa

oOo

“Ang pagtalikod sa minamahal ay hindi pagtanggi kundi,
ito
ay
DOG STYLE!!!” 😛

oOo

Break-up Lines:

1. “I just realized that I don’t want to be attached.” (ganun ba? staple remover gusto mo?)
2. “I’m confused. I need time to find myself.” (eto mapa, find yourself)
3. “We’re too different for each other.” (tao ako, hayop ka!)
4. “I realize love ko pa ex ko.” (may pumatol pala sayo bukod sa akin? Akalain mo un!)
5. “You’re too immature for me.” (oo na! gurang ka eh!)
6. “Kung talagang tayo, kahit saan sulok ng mundo, magtatagpo tayo.” (never tayong magtatagpo, walang sulok ang mundo, bilog ito!!! bobo!!!)

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Pagnakita mo girlfriend mo collecting pixs ng mga ex nya, huwag kang magalit..
Smile and say, “Eto pix ko, lagay mo sa dulo para complete na yung ‘EVOLUTION OF MAN,’ wala pa mukhang tao eh.” 😀

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Lalaki: “Sino yung kasama mo kanina na lalaki at kahalikan mo pa… cguro pinalitan mo na ako noh?”
Babae: “Sira, di kita pinalitan…
nagdagdag lang ako!”

oOo

Itong kaPaskuhan,
dalangin ko kay
SAN MIGUEL
na isakay ka sa
RED HORSE
patungo sa
WHITE CASTLE
dun sa
BARCELONA
para makilala ang
GENEROSO
at mabait na
EMPERADOR
na si
ALFONSO
at manood ng mga
MATADOR
habang umiinom ng
FUNDADOR!

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12days of christmas s0ng:

0n d 12th day of christmas my true l0ve gave 2 me…
12 h0lding
hands..
11 kiss sa cheeks
10 h0t embrace
9 torrid kisses
8 french kiss
7 lips 2 lips
6 chikininis
5 in d bed
4 d0gstyle
3 f0replays
2 69s
at isang malusog na baby.

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Men are like. .
PLACEMATS, they only show up when there’s food on the table.
COPIERS, you need them for reproduction but that’s about it.
CURLING IRONS, they’re always hot and always in your hair.
MINI SKIRTS, if you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

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A farmer discovered that some kids had been stealing from his watermelon patch. He put up a sign that read: “WARNING! One of these watermelons contains rat poison!”
He returned to his patch a week later and found all of his watermelons intact, but found another sign that read: “Now 2 of them do!”

oOo

Have you heard about the special Tampax made with bells and tinsels?
The manufacturers explained that it is good for the Christmas PERIOD only!

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Pulis: “Miss, bakit ka naliligo dito!”
Miss: “Kasi mainit.”
Pulis: “Alam nyo bang bawal maligo dito?”
Miss: “Bakit hindi nyo agad sinabi saken. Ngayong nakahubad na ako tsaka na lang kayong magsasabi na bawal.”
Pulis: “Maligo bawal pero maghubad hindi bawal.”

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You may have heard about a new bride who was embarrassed to be known as honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asks him if there was a way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
His reply: “Sure! You carry the suit case!”

oOo

Patient told his doctor, “I have this ringing in my ears.”
Doctor said, “Don’t answer it!”

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An Egyptian man is approached by a stranger who offers to sell him Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.”No, not worth it!” “Ok, how about 50 pounds?”
“No, notworth it!”
“Ok, 20?””No, not worth it!”How about 10?””No, not worth it!””Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?”
“the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”

oOo

Nang bumisita si Cong. Pacquiao sa Spain..
Reporter: “Balita ko marami kayong dalang biyaya galing Spain, Cong.”
Pacman: “Totoo yan! Naawa ako sa aking mga constituents na local sardines ang kinakain araw-araw!”
Reporter: “Eh ano po dala ninyo, Cong?”
Pacman: “Spanish sardines!”

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Man comes home, finds neighbor on top of his wife. In a dilemma, he rushes out screaming, “What to do? If I hit him on the head, it’s murder. If I hit him on the butt, it goes in further.”

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Erap at Loi naglalakad isang gabi sa Central Park, New York City.
Prosti1: “You like hand job?”
Erap: “no thanks!”
Prosti2: “You want blow job?”
Erap: “no thanks! (bumulong kay Loi) Dapat dito pala pumunta ang mga OFW natin, maraming job openings.”

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The black dude walked into his house to see his wife dancing seductively in front of him.
“Hey, babe,” he said, “where’d you get that grass skirt?”
“That ain’t no grass skirt,” she says, “I had my hair rebonded!”

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Body organs at a meeting to decide who’s boss.
BRAIN: I should be boss because I run all the body systems.
BLOOD: I should be boss because I circulate oxygen all over & without me, you’d waste away.
STOMACH: I should be boss because I process food and give you energy.
LEGS: I should be boss because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.
EYES: I should be boss because I allow the body to see where it goes.
RECTUM: I should be boss because I’m responsible for waste removal.

All body parts laughed at rectum, & in a huff, he shut down tight. Within days, brain has terrible headache, stomach was bloated, legs wobbly, eyes got watery & blood was toxic. They let rectum be the boss.

MORAL OF STORY: The asshole is usually boss!:P

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Before And After Marriage..
Before: You take my breath away.
After: I feel like suffocating.
Before: Twice a night.
After: Twice a month.
Before: Don’t stop.
After: Don’t start.
Before: Turbocharged
After: Jump-start
Before: Passion
After: Ration

Moral: Let’s enjoy the good times before they’re gone!!

oOo

When a man saw his dick growing larger & staying erect, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, they became concerned as it grew even longer. They decided to see a urologist.

After examination, the doc said it can be corrected by surgery. “How long would he be on crutches?” asks the wife.

Surprised, the doc asks, “Why would he be on crutches?”

“Aren’t you going to lengthen his legs?” replied the wife.

oOo

In a rape case:
PROSECUTOR ON CROSS EXAMINATION:
“YOU said you screamed but nobody CAME? Correct?”
RAPE VICTIM: “No Sir, I CAME, that’s why I screamed!”

oOo

INDAY: Ma’am, bakit po mukhang puyat kayo?
MA’AM: Dahil sa sir mo!
INDAY: Bakit po?
MA’AM: Sinong hindi mapupuyat sa sir mo? Naubos na lahat ng posisyon…tumilaok na ang manok…hindi pa rin siya tinitigasan!

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A woman was towelling off in front of a mirror. When she noticed a few gray pubic hairs, she bent down and said to her privates, “I know you haven’t been getting much lately but I didn’t know you were so worried about it.”

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The problem with Pizza, Pasta, Burger, French Fries is that they spent few moments on your lips, but forever on your Hips..!

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Teacher: Four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. Change it to an exclamatory sentence.
One student says, “Wow!”

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Dalawang magkumpare naguusap.
P1: “bakit hindi mo binigyan ng limos yung tao kanina?”
P2: “may anak yon kasi sa Malacanang.”
P1: “ha?”
P2: “oo, namamalimos din.”

oOo

Finally, they released the contents of Viagra:
3%  Vitamin E
2%  Aspirin
2%  Ibuprofen
1%  Vitamin C
5%  Spray Starch
87% Epoxy

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike. 😀

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