SMS Jokes 157

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Nag-sex ang 75-yr old couple on their golden anniversary..
WiFE: “Hon, sa Xmas ulit at sa VaLentine, ha?”
HUSBAND: “3 times a year?? ano ka, maniac!”

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Tanong: Bakit walang kusina ang motel?
Sagot: Dahil sa kama pa lang, nagkakainan na. EAT ALL YOU CAN pa.

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Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men
1. It is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. It stays up for 12 days & nights.
4. It’s always happy with its size.
5. It has cute balls.
6. It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.
7. It it needles you, you can toss it out.
8. It always smells nice & doesn’t pass gas.

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Quotes That Proves Santa’s A D. O. M. . .
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I’ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you’ve been bad or good… so let’s skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (that’s what the missus calls it)
8. I see you when you’re sleepI£@@.. and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

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ALCOHOL WARNING:
Excessive consumption of alcohol may cause you to THAY SHINGS like THISH!

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Anak: “Itay ano po ibig sabihin ng climate change?”
Itay: “Ha? Tinay, ano ba daw ang climate change?”
Nanay: “Ang panlalamig mo sa akin na dahil sa may pinag-iinitan kang iba! Iyan ang climate change!”

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Lalaki: “Palayasin mo si Inday!”
Babae: “Bakit naman no?”
Lalaki: “Akalain mo naman nilaban nya ung brief ko.”
Babae: “Ang galing pala eh.”
Lalaki: “Aba nilabhan… eh suot-suot ko pa!! Pero masarap na rin.”

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Girl: If we get married, stop smoking.
Boy: Okay.

Girl: Drinking.
Boy: Okay.

Girl: And going to night clubs.
Boy: Yes.

Girl: What else can you stop?
Boy: The idea of marrying you!

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Maximize the benefits of sex:
1. Sex after waking up activates internal organs.
2. Sex after bath lowers blood pressure.
3. Sex 30- minutes before meal helps digestion.
4. Sex before sleep prevents stroke or heart attack.

(Kayang-kaya mo itong lahat noong araw. Ngayon, ewan ko lang?)

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Isang kuba ang matuling tumatakbo sa kalsada, habul-habol ng isang grupo ng mga bata. Pagdating sa kanto, huminto siya’t humarap sa mga bata. Habol hininga, binulyawan ang mga ito: “Tigilan nyo nga ako! Hindi ko tinago ang pesteng bola nyo!”

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Morning after honeymoon, wife says to her husband, “You know you are a lousy lover.”

Husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?”

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A boy cut the lawn of a priest for 4 hours as the grass was very thick. The priest paid him $2.00. The boy said, “Thanks, virgin Father!”
The priest replied, “What did you say?” Boy repeated, “Thanks, virgin Father!”
The priest asked, “Do you know what that means?”
The boy replied, “Yes….. tight ass!”

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A man tries to catch the attention of a lady in front of him by making “pssst, pssst.” Eventually, she turned around and said to him, “Hey you, does your face have a puncture?!”

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Titser: “Totoo bang di naninigarilyo, di umiinom, di nagsusugal at hindi nang tsiktsiks ang papa mo?”
Pupil: “Opo.”
Titser: “Wow! Anu ang sikret nya?”
Pupil: “Walang pera.”

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Q: What’s the similarity between a woman and a frying pan?
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?
?
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A: You have to get them hot before you put the meat in. :-*

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Sa barberya:

Barbero: Boss, isubo nyo yung brown pingpong ball para bumukol pisngi nyo at mas pulido at madali ang pagahit.

Pagkatapos ahitan, niluwa ng customer ang bola at tinanong paano kung nalunok ang bola.

Barbero: Balik nyo na lang bukas pag dumi nyo. Maraming customer nagbalik nyan. Puti kulay dati ewan ko bakit brown na!

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QUESTION: Why does a man think twice before leaving his wife alone at night?
ANSWER: 1st, he has to think of a reason for goin out. 2nd, he has 2 think of a reason why she can’t go along!

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Naguguluhan ako. Di ba, yung Victory Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner mga bus?

Yung Panty Liner, bus din ba yun? Saan naman ang biyahe nila?

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A guy tells his mother about his sexuality.

Mother: You’re gay, doesn’t that mean you put other guys’ dicks in your mouth?
Guy: Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.

His mother whacked him on the head with a stirring spoon and said, “Don’t ever complain about my cooking again!”

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Nagkita ang dalawang kolokoy sa airport.
JUAN: “O pare, anong nangyari sa yo? Bakit ka ginulpi sa loob ng eroplano?”
DAGUL: “Ewan ko nga eh. Binati ko lang naman ang natanaw kong kaibigan ng “HI, JACK!”

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Erap flagged down by a cop for speeding. When asked for his license, he said, “Get your act together, guys! Just yesterday, you took away my license, and then today, you expect me to show it to you!”

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The eyes are organs for seeing.
The ears are organs for hearing.
The nose is the organ for smelling.
The tongue is the organ for tasting someone else’s organ.

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There are three important stars in your life..
1. Party like a rock star.
2. Look like a movie star.
3. Fuck like a porn star!
Awooo!

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Some Bitchy Bumper Stickers:
1. Constipated people don’t give a shit.
2. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
3. Practice safe sex. Go screw yourself.
4. To all you virgins, go screw yourself!
5. Horn broken? Watch for fingers.
6. If sex is a pain in the ass, your doing it wrong.
7. Fight crime, shoot back!

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Masarap titigan ang taong mahal mo at isiping magkasama kayo.
Masayang managinip, masayang mangarap, pero mas masaya sana kung habang tumititig ka…
naghuhubad siya, diba?!

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**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE! :D

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