SMS Jokes 2011-167

Iniibig ko ang ALAK.
Ito ang inumin ng aking buhay.
Ito ang nagwawala ng aking lumbay.
Ak0’y kanyang nilalasing ngunit tinutulungan upang maging malakas,
maangas at mataas ang karakas.
Bilang ganti diringgin q lagi ang anyaya para mag inuman. Susundin ko at pupuntahan kung saan ang tagpuan.
Pananatilihin kung maging isang tunay na lasenggo.
sa baso, sa puso at sa nguso!

TATAY: “Mula ngaun walang magsasalita ng Ingles… ang sinumang magpadugo ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo, papalayasin sa pamamahay na to! Klaro!?”
ANAK: “Ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran… tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas ng sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban.”

(Tatay natulala, dumugo ilong.)

Ang sagot ni Liz Uy kung bakit niya binasted si P-Noy…“Hindi ko kaya ang transition from John Lloyd to MONGO-LLOYD..”

PAQUIAO will buy PAL for the sake of nat’l interest…
it will now be known as PAL-PAQ Airlines, esyas pers & pinest!

“Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
“Maybe so, replied the despondent colleague, “but the last one took all my bait.”

Any attention, no matter how painful, is better than none. Sa tagalog, KSP ka masyado!

FAITHFUL HUSBAND- one who thinks of his wife while sleeping with other women. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND- one who thinks of other women while sleeping with his wife.

Nalulungkot ka ba? bored? At walang pera?
Just type in MOMMY PENGE
at i-send sa number niya!
di ba ang dali lang?

Sabi ng mga pangit:
“what is beauty if your brain is empty?”

Ganti ng mga magaganda at gwapo:
“what is knowledge if your face is damage?”

A widow wanted to change the “R. I. P.” on her drunkard husband’s tombstone:
From “Rest In Peace” to “Redhorse Ipadala Please”

Two men talk about marital sex.
A – I enjoy sex with my wife in the quiet of the night when our children are asleep.
B – I prefer having sex with my wife early in the morning.
A – Why?
B – First come first served.

White guy: “Dude! pwede kita tawagin ‘pre?”
Black guy: “Bakit?”
White guy: “Shortcut ng kapre eh…”

During a mass, a priest taps the microphone & said:
“There’s something wrong with the microphone”.

The congregation responded:
“and also with you!”

QUESTION: Do you know why there are so many sex perverts at the supermarket?
ANSWER: Because the baker shows you his buns, the butcher will show his meat, and there’s some woman in the store that always gives out free samples.

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at an interfaith conference.
The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have 4 sons, 1 more & I’ll have a basketball team!”
The Catholic pooh-poohed this stating, “I have 10 sons, 1 more & I’ll have a football team.”
To all this, the Mormon said, “You guys ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, 1 more & I’ll have a golf course!”

During the Sunday sermon on FACT and FAITH, the preacher was explaining the difference between the two. “To make an example,” he said, “you see my wife sitting in the front row, with a new born baby in her arms. It’s a FACT she knows that baby is hers; I have FAITH in her that’s it’s mine.”

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says,
“DDDDDoc, I’ve bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and
IIII’m tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?”

The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”
So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”
The guy asks, “We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
The guy asks, “Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?”
The doctor says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”
The guy replies, “DDDDDoooo it!”
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says,
“Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.”
The doctor says, “NNNNope a ddddeal’s aaa dddddeal!!!

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE! 😀

Those who break your heart, they’re the one’s who challenge you to become the person you need to be. Stay strong & keep moving!

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