SMS Jokes 2011-169

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February 14 is World Orgasm Day!
Please CUM!
Someone sent me this but didn’t say WHERE!

Happy Heart’s Day! 😛

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Valentine Tips..
Blue roses for lovers,
White chocolates for crushes,
Pink balloons for friendships.
Most of all for the loveless,
Red. . .

.. RED HORSE!

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Ten (10) Lovemaking Tips for Senior Citizens this Valentines Day:
1. Drink maximum dose of your secret weapon 2 hours before. Matagal kasi bago tumalab sa edad mo;
2. Avoid wearing protection to feel & enjoy the fight. Tamaan ka man ng AIDS, 20 yrs bago mg-effect yun, baka di mo na abutan;
3. Wear your eyeglasses to double-check if talagang may kasama ka sa bed;
4. Set alarm for 5 minutes, just n case maidlip ka;
5. Enter 9-11 on your speed dial bago ka sumakay;
6. Have Alaxan ready just n case makaraos ka talaga;
7. If it happens at all, call everyone. Magyabang ka!;
8. Write your partner’s name on the wall, baka malimutan mo;
9. Don’t even think na makaka-dalawa ka pa! Pangarap na lang yan!;
10. Sori, Memory Gap! Nakalimutan ko na!

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Bakit ba nauso ang araw ng mga pus0, di ba pwede magkar0n ng araw ng mga lapay, ng atay o ng apdo… Para naman mkapag-celebrate ako.

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Qualities of Good Blowjob:
1. Religious (lumuluhod)
2. JUDAY look-a-like (malaki panga)
3. Swimmer (mahaba hininga)
4. Bungal (para hindi sabit ngipin)
5. Malaki Tenga (para handy)
6. Malapad ulo (para patungan ng beer)

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PAPA: “anak, kada perfect mo sa test balak ko bigyan kita ng P100”
ANAK: “gawin mo na lang P200”
PAPA: “bakit?”
ANAK: “Kasi ang P100 ibigay ko sa aking pinag-kopyahan.”

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KAREN DAVILA:
“Sir, what is the cause of Mad Cow Disease?”
FARMER: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? Do you also know that we milk a cow twice a day ?”
KAREN DAVILA: “Sir, that is really a valuable information, but what is the point?”
FARMER: “The point is obvious! Just imagine, if I were playing with your tits twice a day… and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”.

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Araw ay sisikat kahit hindi mo utusan.
Ang hangin iihip kahit hindi mo hilingin.
Ang puso ay titibok kahit hindi mo pilitin.
Pero ang pinakamatindi ay kapag may diarrhea ka, lalabas at lalabas kahit gaano mo pigilan!

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Minsang nagkasabay sa bus stop ang isang kapampangan at isang kana sa Windy City (Chicago). Habang nagiintay ang dalawa, biglang humangin at tumaas ang palda ng Kana na walang panty. Dahil sa ayaw ng pinoy na mapahiya ang kana, sabi na lang niya, “it’s hairy (airy ang ibig sabihin nya) isn’t it?”

Sagot ng napahiyang kana, “Bastard! What do you expect to see, feathers?”

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Napahagulgol daw si GMA ng dumalaw kay Gen Reyes sa hospital kasi inabutan siya ng piece of paper from him, and the note read:
“Maam, please follow my example”

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Naglalakad sa pasilyo ng opistal ang doktor nang bigla niyang makasalubong ang isa niyang pasyenteng sumisigaw at tumatakbo sa takot habang hinahabol naman ng isang nurse na may hawak na kumukulong tubig. Sumigaw ang dok, “Nars, ang sabi ko “prick his boil,” tusukin mo ang pigsa niya, hindi “boil his prick!”

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Things you DON’T want to hear during YOUR surgery:
1 – “san ung gunting na bago? bat may kalawang to?”
2 – “10ml? may nakasurvive na ba jan? sabi ko 5 ml lang.”
3 – “doc, ubos ng po pala ung anestisya”
4 – “kanina pa bukas ung tyan, asan ung pantahi?”
5 – “sunog! sunog! labas na kaung lahat!”

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BANAT OF THE DAY:
Kung ikaw ay ice cream…
wag mong hayaang matunaw ka ng hindi ka man lang natitikman…

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Best quote of the year:
.
.
.
I dont need sex… My Tensions Fuck me everyday!

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Naka ‘iyot’ ka na?
Ako hindi pa.

Etimology:
The word ‘iyot’ comes from the Taiwanese words which mean ‘have you eaten’.
So hwag kalimutan mag iyot araw-araw ha? Don’t be malicious.
Haay! Makaiyot na nga. Hehe!

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A ship was sinking.
CAPTAIN: Does anyone know how to pray?
A priest comes forward and says he can pray.
CAPTAIN: OK, reverend, you pray. Everyone else in the ship wear a life jacket! We are short of one!

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HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!

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** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE!

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