SMS Jokes 2011-174

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Erap: “Mam, can I go to the toilet?”
Titser: “Erap, MAY I go to the toilet?”
Erap: “Ma’am, but I asked first!”

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A: "I read that a woman with nine kids married a widower with seven. Isn’t that something?"
B: "Sure is. That wasn’t marriage… it was a merger!"

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Tormented by her husband’s infidelities, a wife took a decisive action. So the next night, she took a marker pen and printed in bold letters on the crotch of her panties. . . "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT."

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Service at a resto was very slow. A man was about to go ballistics, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "my best friend should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" he snaps. "She wasn’t even pregnant when we walked in here!"

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A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it’s good?"

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Q: What do you call a gay milkman?
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A: A Dairy Queen

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When a man says, "We’ve got to talk," the woman hears, "We’re going to have a nice conversation."
When a woman says, "We’ve got to talk," the man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

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You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
. You answer the door before people knock.
. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
. You watch video in fast-forward mode.
. You skate uphill.
. You get speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their mixed drinks.

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How To Drive People Insane?
. Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
. Page yourself over the intercom using your real voice.
. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
. Everyt ime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with it.
. Put decaf in coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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Couple had their first grandchild. So the wife asks her husband, "Honey, how does it feel to be a grandfather?"
"Oh, it’s okay,"
he said, "but I’m not so sure about going to bed with a grandmother!"

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The young Swedish girl had been working for the Schmitts for a year. While hardworking, she still struggles with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that her boyfriend will be visiting her from the army the coming week.
"That’s wonderful," Mrs. Schmitt said, "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young girl replied, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt’s. Just a little thicker."

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Like lots of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what’s that supposed to mean?"
Thus, "WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY" was born..

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A doctor got a call from a very excited mother, "My son just swallowed aspirins. What shall I do?"
He replies, "Give him a headache."

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At the scene of an accident a man was crying, "O God, I lost my hand!"
Sen. Lapid: "Control yourself! See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?"

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A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

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After the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon, the Chinese Premier called George W. Bush to offer his condolences and that of his country. He then said, "In case you’re missing any documents after the attack on the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

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Fat Lady: "Give me some advice that can reduce my weight."
Health Expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and to the left at a particular time."
Fat Lady: "At what particular time?"
Health Expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

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** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

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