"Masama ang magtanim ng galit sa iyong kapwa..
Pero mas masama ang magtanim ng bata sa hindi mo jowa!"
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Again the receptionist replies."I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day, the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say,"I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is the 3rd time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? " The guy replies, "because I love hearing it!"
MISTER: “Alam mo, kahit lasing akong umuwi, hindi naman ako maingay.”
MISIS: “Hindi ka nga maingay, pero yung dalawang bumuhat sa ‘yo, maingay!”
QUESTION: Which is the funniest joke in the world?
ANSWER: Pull down your pants and you will see!!
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Man1: “Does the Bible say if you smoke you can’t get to heaven?”
Man2: “No, but the more you smoke the quicker you’ll get there.”
INDAY: “Ma’am, bakit mukhang puyat kayo?”
MA’AM: “Dahil sa sir mo!”
INDAY: “Si sir, bakit po?”
MA’AM: “Sino naman ang d mapupuyat sa sir mo eh naubos na lahat ngposisyon, tumilaok na ang manok, ang araw sumikat na, d pa rin sya tinitigasan!”
A girl was seen walking in a mall wearing a shirt, shoes, and nothing else. When security stopped her and asked what she was doing, she replied, "I saw a sign that said, ‘take half off and save money!"
Ang pagkakaroon ng mga anak ay parang pag-inom ng alak. Masasarap, masaya, pero pag nasobrahan masakit sa ulo…
kaya BREED moderately!
A guy asks a beautiful lady, "Can I buy you a drink?"
She says, "No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs!
"Ohh, do they swell?"
"No, they spread…"
Barber was finishing haircut on a customer and started to apply some Aftershave Lotion around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don’t put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting said, "You can put the Aftershave Lotion on me… My wife has never been in a French whorehouse!"
Ben: “Boy, alam ko namang malabong magkagusto ka sa akin. Pero may pagasa bang pumatol ka sa kagaya kong bading?”
Boy: “Oo naman.”
Ben: “Wooooow! Talaga?!”
Ben: “So may pagasang patulan mo ko?”
Boy: “Kung suntukan.”
A biology teacher was discussing insects in her class for kids. She said, "Moths fly with their legs apart. Anyone know why?" The kids looked at each other. No one knew. Then, little Johnny raised his hand: "I know why Miss. Have you ever seen the SIZE of those moth balls?!"
Definition From Urban Dictionary:
"Kantot" is a Filipino word which means having sex. It is the insertion of penis to vagina which has no place to go, hence, "kanto" or cornered, "kinantot."
** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike.