SMS Jokes 2011-187

"HAPDI"
Yan ang tawag pag pumasok ka ng kalahating araw sa school o sa work.
"Sir/mam, pwde po ba mag HAPDI?" 

There will be less scandals in Catholic churches next year.. .
If Priests and Bishops are allowed to use condoms.

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty. . .
A POSITIVE persons sees it half full. . .
But a REALISTIC person adds 100 ml of Whiskey to it and says. . . CHEERS!

One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

TEACHER: “Billy, stop making faces.”
BILLY: “Why??”
TEACHER: “Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.”
BILLY: “Well, I can see you didn’t listen!”

A man came up and shook my hands and asked how my sex life was.
I told him, "You are shaking hands with it."

    WIFE: “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?”
    HUSBAND: “so how come yours don’t?”
    WIFE: “you’re not pumping hard enough!”

    Erap saw an airline stewardess wearing a name plate on the left side of her chest bearing the name SUSIE…
    He said, "That’s cute… What have you named the other one?"

    Old man went to strip club. He went home and told his wife, "Those young girls ain’t got nothing on you." Wife asked why.
    He replied, "Not one of them could make their breasts reach their knees."

    Prayer of An Ideal Son.
    ”Dear God,
    Take away all the gifts You have given me, I want nothing for my self.
    But please, bless my parents with an Extremely Hot Daughter-in-law.”

    The clerk showed the man the store’s most expensive perfume.

    "This is called ‘Perhaps,’ said the saleslady. "It’s $300 an ounce."
    "Listen,"
    the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don’t want something called ‘Perhaps," I want something called…
    "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You’ll Get Some!!"

    A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. Priest was highly gratified & told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at mass with your wife!"
    "Well, Father," said d fisherman, "it’s a matter of choice. I’d rather hear your sermon than hers."

    Pinoy felt he needed to confess, so he went to a priest.
    "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. During the last war, I hid an American in my attic."
    "That’s no sin,"
    replied the priest.
    "But I made him pay me 100 dollars for each week he stayed."
    "That wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause."
    "Thanks, Father, that eases my mind. I have another question."
    "What is it, son?"
    "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

    Perks of being over 50 years old:
    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

    A lady lost her handbag in a shopping mall. It was found by a small boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmmm… That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a 500 peso bill in in. Now there are five 100 peso bills.”
    Boy replied, "That’s right! The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward!"

    Tidbits:
    Cong. Pacman said if his father had used a condom, he wouldn’t be here today.
    A political observer noted that had Pacman used one, he would have not fathered a child with a woman other than his wife. 😀

    ** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

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