SMS Jokes 2011-184

SA BOTICA..

CUSTOMER: (pabulong) Day, isang condom nga..

SALESLADY: Sayz Sir!

CUSTOMER: (nahiya) small lang.. hehehe..

SALESLADY: hindi Sir, sayz pisos ang isa!

After 50 years

URBANA: Mare, hows your sex life?

DOLORES: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.

Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin. Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin? Pero bago ang lahat, gusto ko, alam mo na hindi ako easy-to-get. FLAT 1.0 grade

Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga bumababa. Hindi po natin sila kamag-anak. LRT OPERATOR

 

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Latest Cinema Releases 6

  • "Ironclad"

ironclad Genre: Action / Adventure

Cast: Kate Mara, Paul Giamatti, Jason Flemyng

Short Synopsis: Starring James Purefoy, Paul Giamatti, Brian Cox, Kate Mara, Jason Flemyng, Derek Jacobi, Jamie Foreman and Aneurin Barnard IRONCLAD recounts one of the most violent, pivotal moments in English medieval history when a few good men fought against insurmountable odds to defend their country from a megalomaniac, blooddrunk king. Torn from the pages of history, the devastating battle for the castle of Rochester is a true story of honour, action and excitement. Think medieval Magnificent Seven and youre on the right track.

  • "Battle: Los Angeles"

battleLA Genre: Action / Adventure / Cult / Sci-Fi

Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Ramon Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan, Ne-Yo, Michael Pena

Short Synopsis: For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces.
As people everywhere watch the worlds great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. Its up to a Marine staff sergeant (Aaron Eckhart) and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any theyve ever encountered before.

  • "Benda Bilili!"

benda Genre: Documentary / Music

Cast: Maria Barli Djongo, Renaud Barret, Cubain Kabeya

Short Synopsis: BENDA BILILI! is a reallife world music fairytale, lifting the lid on the Congolese music scene to reveal the incredible true story behind Kinshasas ghetto stars, STAFF BENDA BILILI, and their distinctive musical style; a seductive mix of Congolese rumba, James Brownesque funk, Cuban mambo, ancestral trance and Jimi Hendrixesque flourishes.
Opening Directors Fortnight at Cannes this year, Renaud Barret and Florent de la Tullayes uplifting film is a frank and intimate portrait of the band, their musical energy and social observation of the realities of life in Kinshasa. Hotly tipped to be the next BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB, BENDA BILILI! Is a rare cinematic discovery. The film follows the extraordinary journey of the band over the course of six years, from when we first encounter them living and performing on the streets, to recording their acclaimed debut album Tres, Tres Fort and headlining international music festivals.
BENDA BILILI! is the story of a dream become reality; an inspiring tale of triumph over adversity, embracing the bands creed; to be true to oneself, take pride, be strong, and never give up.

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Imadyin Kung Ganito

Dear Black Diary,

Nakausap ko sha kanina sa YM.

Yun lang.

Maru

Haha! Hays… I’m so julius babaw talaga. Pero totot, nakausaf ko online  kanina si Prince Charming ko ng mahigit dalawang oras ata ayun tas pfffff! Nag disappearing act na ang lolo nyo. Naimbyerna ‘ata sa topic namin.  Hmp! Iniwan ba naman akong nakatiwangwang ang pechay este ang byuti.

Ops! Sori. Hindi tungkol sa Prince Charming ko ang blog ko ngayon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Minsan pag “busy” ako sa paggamit ng grey matter ng bungo ko, nakakapag-imadyin ako.

Ano kaya kung lahat ng mga hombre dito sa Pinas ay nakasuot ng tights imbes ng maong na pantalon?

Yung mala-ganitetch!

man-tights mantights

Sus mariano garapon! Imagine, maglilipana ang mga Felix Bakat! Bakat dito, bakat dun! Lahat ng makakasalubong mo siguro,hindi ka sa fez nila mapapatingin. Mapapayuko ka! (para magbigay-pugay?)

Shet! Shet! Shet! At magkakabistuhan talaga kung sino-sino-sino ang mga Dakota Fanning at kung sino ang mga jotay ang mga pampasada.

Kaso, since sabi ko nga LAHAT ng lalaki, eh na-imagine nyo ba naman kung ano ang chura ng mga constru workers na naka-tights? Weeeeee! Ayoko mag-isip! Ayokooo! Mag i-imagine na rin lang ako, dapat ihiwalay ko na ang mga puti sa de-kolor! Haha!

Heniweys, kung sakaling mauso man ang ganito sa lahat ng kalalakihan -ang saya much siguro ng mga becky, joding, badaf sa earth! Shempre, join rin ang mga babaeng-bakla na gaya ni Mamaru. Haha ulit!

oOo

SMS Jokes 2011-183

History Class
TITSER: Who is the most famous general among Filipinos who said, "I SHALL RETURN"?
PEDRO: Gen. Carlos Garcia, mam! He said, "I SHALL RETURN 130 MILLION"…

  •  

Gen. Reyes was walking to hell & was amazed of the well-paved roads and he wondered:
"Who made these?"
Then he saw this sign: A PROJECT OF GMArroyo

  •  

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael were in a lifeboat after escape from a sinking ship. Rummaging through the boat, Patrick found an old lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie came forth and said he could only grant one wish. Patrick blurted, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
Poof, the ocean was turned into the brew. Remarks Michael, "Nice going, Patrick! Now we’re going to pee into the boat!"

  •  

A couple having money problems, so wife says to her husband, "We have to cut back, so no more beer."
Husband says, "Ok. But no more beauty parlor either."
Wife replies, "But I need that, so I can look good for you, dear."
He says, "That’s what the beer’s for!"

  •  

Latest on Gadhafi of Libya.. ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?. Isang bulate na lang ang ‘di pumipirma.

A man buys a live chicken for dinner. He passes a cinema playing a Western film. He slips the chicken in to the front of his pants and goes in.
He sat next to 2 women. One says to the other, "This man is exposing himself."
"So what," says the 2nd lady, "You seen one, you see them all!"
"Yeah, but this one is eating my pop corn!"

  •  

A kid asks her Mom, "What’s a lesbian?"
"Go ask your dad, SHE will tell you."

A man goes home drunk with a friend. He starts showing his friend around the house.
"This is my house, all three bedrooms."
He takes him to the first bedroom, and say, "This’s ma kid sleepin’," next bedroom, "this’s ma kid’s nanny."
Next bedroom, "This’s my wife sleepin’ oh with me on top of her."

  •  

Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick."
His boss says, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that."
Two hours later, the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

  •  

Priest on mass was interrupted by a kid playing at the altar.
Priest asked; "Kaninong anak ba itong batang ito?"
A woman shouted: "Atin yan, Father!".

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

Buko Tart

Ang resulta ng mga naani kong buko mula sa lupain kobreakfast

Haayseto talaga yung mga moment na wini-wish ko na sana meron akong medyo haytek na kamera para naman hindi bomalabs ang macro shots ng mga baby ko.

tartAng mga babies ko bago naisalang sa oven.  buko tart

Bagong ahon sa oven. . . nagpapalamig.bukotart

BUKO TART RECIPE

CRUST:

  • 3 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 1 cup Butter margarine
  • 10 Tbsp Cold water
  • 2 Tbsp Sugar

Procedure:

Mix flour, sugar and salt. Cut-in shortening until mealy. Add cold water gradually. Form into one large ball. Roll thin about 1/8 inch thick. Cut with knife and fit to well-greased tart shells.

TART FILLINGS:

  • 3 cups Shredded Buko
  • 2 cups Sugar
  • 1 1/2 evaporated milk
  • 2 Tbsp Butter
  • 2 Eggs
  • 3 Tbsp Flour
  • 1 Tsp Vanilla Essence

Procedure:

Cook with continuous stirring until mixture thickens and become transparent. Remove from fire and add the thickener. Fill in shells and bake at 375F until golden brown.

oOo

Real men always have time for their woman. No matter what, even if he’s busy, he’ll find a way to make time for her.

SMS Jokes 2011-182

In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers…NOW, they drink like their fathers!

WOMEN always worry about the things that men forget; Men always worry about the things women remember!

Sa akin ka nakahawak ng mahigpit, sa kanya ka naman nakatitig. – mouse, nagseselos kay monitor!

A Love Story "Text"
BOY: "Di ko na kaya ‘tong ginagawa mo sa kin. Lagi na lang! Sa lahat na lang nang sasabihin mo, nahihirapan ako. I’m sorry, I just can’t take it anymore. Sobrang pagod na akong intindihin ka." 🙁

GIRL: "BvHeiiB aNoUh bV4h 3An6 pN46xx4b1h mOuH?? di cKitAh mA1ntiNd1hAn! aNoUh bV4Ng NuAg4w4h QoUh x3oH!! bV4T k4h nKk1pAgbVr3Yk??

Gumimik sa mall ang 3 magkakaibigan:
JEPOY: "Shit! Ang ganda nung girl!"
JANGGO: "Sexy pa! Grabe!"
BOY: "Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt? Kilala ko sya! Teka, Tawagin ko ha……KUYAAAAAAAAA!"

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    Mula Sa Lupain Ko

    Bago pa man tumigas at tuluyan maging niyog ang mga buko na nasa malawak na lupain ko (lupain talaga ha?), pina-harvest ko na sila sa isang utoy kong nebor.

    Kaya naman bisi-bisihan sa pagkakayod ng mga bunga ang Mamaru kanina.

    Buko

    Sa dami ng ipinapitas ko, panay BJ ako kanina. (Buko juice po, wag kulot ang isip!) Halos ipinang-ligo ko na ang isang timba ng buko juice. Lol! At sa dami ng kinayod kong buko, kelangan gawin ko to:

    DSC02626_2

    Hulaan nyo kung ano ang ginagawa ko sa kasalukuyan. Kunyari big deal sha! Haha! Chos!

    Post ko bukas ang pinagkaabalahan ko ngayon sa mga buko na itey.

    SMS Jokes 2011-181

    Sa taon-taong pananaliksik at pag-aaral, ang plural pala ng rice ay. . .
    EXTRA RICE!

    *SMS courtesy of Grashiela

    MOTTOS:

    • Time is Gold When Watching Bold.
    • Pag binato ka ng bato. . . Hithitin mo.
    • What is beauty if your KILIKILI is dirty.
    • Ang batang matanong ay bibo at ang matandang matanong ay bobo.
    • Ang taong pangit sa edit kumakapit. 😀

     

    It takes 300 little silkworms to make a girl a pair of silk panties..
    But it takes only 1 big worm, to persuade her to take off her panty..
    tama ba?

    SUPERTEXT?
    SULITEXT?
    ALLTEXT?
    GAANTEXT?
    UNLITEXT?
    … pero may bago mas matipid pa.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    PATEXT!

    A man driving is pulled over by a police officer. The  officer says, "I’d like to congratulate you. I’ve been following you for a while and your driving has been perfect. Congratulations!"
    And the man replies, "Yeah, you’ve got to be careful when you’ve been drinking!"

    During sex education class, the professor asks, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?"

    A woman replies, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

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    SMS Jokes 2011-180

    screenshot_136

    Nagbalikbayan ang anak ni Karyo after 20 years sa Amerika. Isang umaga, nag-uusap ang mag-ama:
    KARYO: “John, marami akong ITINURO sa ating bagong maid.”
    JOHN: “Dad, please speak in English!”
    KARYO: “John, I fingered our new maid many times!”

    A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport. Immigration tells him to use “chicken not bread” in a sentence. The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman’s head and yells, “Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!”

    Prince Charles at kulangot:
    Si Prince Charles ay heir to the throne.
    Ang kulangot ay thrown to the air!

    Magaling na gitarista si Mang Juan. Lagi syang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga tao.
    TAO 1: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba yung Endless Love?”
    MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko.”
    TAO 2: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba yung My Way?”
    MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko.”

    Napansin ng isang bata na labas ang bayag ni Mang Juan.
    BATA: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba labas ang betlog nyo?”
    MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko!”

    Life depends on the way you think. For example, read this:
    Apenisinhermouth…
    What did you read? A pen is in her mouth, or did your dirty mind read something else?

    BOY: “Can I call you, Mine?”
    GIRL: “That’s not my name. I’m Yours!”

    Mga Hindi Tamang Sagot sa Maayos na Tanong:
    1. Kumain ka na? – Busog pa ko.
    2. Anong oras klase mo? – Mamaya pa.
    3. Andyan ba nanay mo? – Bakit po?
    4. Paano mo ginawa yan? -Madali lang.
    5. San kayo galling? – Nagstroll lang.

    Why is P3.70 = P13.20?

    Because trisibinti = tresebente!

    ANAK: “Mommy, kinakain ba ang shit?”
    MOMMY: “Ha? Hindi kinakain ang shit. Bakit mo naman naitanong?
    ANAK: “Kasi kagabi narinig kita, mommy…sabi mo kay Daddy, “Oh shit, ang sarap!”

    THERAPIST: “To what do you compare your penis?”
    JUAN: “Lion”because it’s strong!”
    PEDRO: “Giraffe” because it’s long.”
    BOY:”Mouse.”
    JUAN and PEDRO: “Why mouse? Is it small?”
    BOY: “No. Because it’s always chased by pussies!”

    ** Thank you KUPS, for the jokes.