SMS Jokes 2011-189

Public Advisory:
Due to the uncertain extent of the nuclear contamination on imported products from Japan, the  public is advised to avoid dining at Japanese fast food & restaurants like Saisaki, Karate KID, Teriyaki Boy, Tokyo-Tokyo, & such. Always think first of your health & safety! – A service message from CHOWKING

Guy1: “Ikaw ba yung nanliligaw kay Ana?”
Guy2: “Oo, bakit?”
Guy1: “Di kayo bagay.”
Guy2: “Sinong bagay, kayo?”
Guy1: “Hindi… Tayo.”

The question that every man wishes a woman would ask him and answer.
QUESTION: Does this thong make me look fat?
ANSWER: Well take it off and let me compare!

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty. .
A POSITIVE persons sees it half full. .
But a REALISTIC person adds 100 ml of Whiskey to it and says. . . CHEERS!

A human hair can hold 3kgs. The femur is hard as concrete. The length of the dick is 3 times the length of the thumb. A woman’s heart beat faster than a man’s. Women blink twice as much as men. Women have read this whole message. Men are still looking at their thumbs…

Parents looking in their son’s room when they find a bunch of sex magazines such as leather and leashes, whips and chains, the mother cries, "What should we do about this?"
Husband says, "I don’t know but I wouldn’t spank him."

A couple go fishing at a lake. While they fishing, the husband slips and falls into the lake. Unable to swim, he yells for help. A man hears his shouts and run over. He sees the guy’s wife peeing in the lake. He hollers at her, "What are you doing, don’t you see that man drowning? Why are you peeing in the lake?" The wife replies, "Every little bit helps."

Two men were talking about how pussy taste.
The first guy said, "I think it taste like cherry pie."
The second guy said, "I think it taste like shit."
The first guy replied, "You are supposed to turn her over."

Man ran home from work and asked the wife, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
She said, "No, jump in!"

A couple was fighting..
HUSBAND: “You are a bitch!”
WIFE: “You are a dog!”
CHICL: “And I am a Puppy then… right?”

After greeting his passengers over the PA system, the pilot (forgetting to turn off the mike) told his co-pilot, "What would relax me now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers heard it.
As a stewardess runs to the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, an old lady stops her and says, "Don’t forget the coffee!" :D

If Only God Was A Woman…
Sex would smell like chocolates.
Farts would smell like roses!
Babies would come from vending machines.
All women would have the same breast size.
Men would be born with a permanent erection.
All food would be FAT FREE.
Men would have the menstrual cycle.
Men would be intelligent enough to know the difference between six inches and three inches.
Sex would lasts longer than thirty seconds!

A cop pulled over a suspected drunk driver and asked the man if he’d been drinking.
The drunk replied, "Yup, since 1980."

A husband kisses his wife and the wife says, "Stop it, what are you doing? Somebody might see us kissing." The maid shouts from the kitchen, "I, too, tell him not to kiss, but he doesn’t listen."

Lays is coming out with a new potato chip – semen flavor.
They will be marketed as a "diet chip," since women will 98% of women will spit them out.

A 101-year old man who came from a honeymoon drops in the doctor’s office to complain, "Doc, my sex life isn’t like it used to be."
"What’s the matter?"
the doc asks.
"Doc, it is infrequent."
To which the doc asks, "Is that one word or two words?"

A guys asks a lady friend, "Do you who designed ladies’ mini-skirt?"
"No, who?"
she replies. "Juana C. Morebutts!":D

Bachelors think that married men are lucky.
Married men think that bachelors are lucky.
The point is that bachelors think at night and married men think at daytime!

Q: Why do men name their private parts?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because they don’t want to be told what to do by a stranger all of the time.

A Fact About Women:
They can see a hair of a girl on their husbands’ shirt from twenty meters away!
But can’t see a post from two meters while parking a car.

A lady called her shrink and said, "You have to held me, it’s been 10 days since my husband left me and I have been drinking ever since."
The doctor replied, "Keep drinking for four more days and then quit. Two weeks is long enough to celebrate!"

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

BROKEN MIRRORS can become one of the most BEAUTIFUL MOSAICS on ceilings & walls.
BROKEN to become BEAUTIFUL!
GOD can REPAIR & RESTORE our BROKEN LIVES.&when RESTORATION is not in HIS plan, expect HIM to REPLACE what has been destroyed with something even more BEAUTIFUL!

Have a great week ahead!

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