SMS Jokes 2011-195

BOY: “Miss, may ipagtatapat ako sayo..”
GIRL: “Ano naman yun?”
BOY: “Eto oh… nakatapat na!”
GIRL: “MANYAK!!!”

Pasosyal na girl sa bus..
GIRL: “Manong, can you get my bagahe please? It’s like mabigat kasi eh.”
KONDUKTOR: “Alin dito miss?”
GIRL: “There oh! Yong SAKO! Please paki ingat lang kasi if it falls to da ground mahirap magpulot…

ng "KOPFRAS".

Thoughts To Ponder:

“Kung sawa ka na sa paligid mong sobrang ingay,
subukan mong pumasok sa kabaong at manahimik habang buhay.”

Miriam Santiago challenged the least intelligent senator to a televised debate. To make things interesting, She says that every time she asks Lito Lapid a question which he cant answer, he has to pay her P500. But if he asks her a question which she can’t answer, she has to give him P5,000.

She asks the 1st question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

He doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out P500 & hands to her. Now, its his turn.

He asks her: “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, & comes down with 4?”

She looks at him with puzzled look. After 1 hour, she admits defeat & give him P5000. She demands an answer from him. Without a word, he pulls out his wallet & gives her P500.

Mario is planning 2 marry & ask his doc.How he could tell if his bride to be is still a virgin. His doc, says,"Mario, all d Italian men I know use 3 things for what we call a Do-it-yourself virginity test kit – A small can of red & blue paint, & a shovel.
MARIO: “And what do I do with these things?”
DOC: “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint 1 of your balls red & the other balls blue. If she says "That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!"
You hit her with the shovel.”

You know why the Avon lady walks funny?
Well, her lips stick!

Guy’s wife comes into the house and says to her husband, "I have some good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?"
He replies, "Give me the bad news first."
She says, "The air bag works."

A wife was having problems remembering things. She asked her husband, "You won’t leave me if I get Alzheimer’s, will you?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, if I do, you won’t remember."

One Sunday morning, mother went to son’s bedroom to wake him up for church.
Son said, "I’m not going to church today. The members don’t like me and I don’t like them."
Mom then replied, "You can’t do that. First, you are 55 years old. Secondly, you are the parish priest!"

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: "The opinions expressed by this child is not necessarily those of his parents."

The man charged into a watch shop, slammed his fist on the showcase, took a wristwatch from his pocket and yelled, "You said this watch would last me a lifetime!"
"Yeah," admitted the shop owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it!"

You are getting old when…
You sit in the toilet for 2 hours and you can’t shit or jackoff.
Your dick is getting smaller and your balls are filling up your pants.
Piss stains are outnumbering cum stains in your underwear.
Your belt level is above your tits.

Good girls blush during naughty scenes in the movies. .
Bad girls smile because they know they can do better.

For years, MEN and WOMEN  have argued over which is more painful? Being kicked in the Balls or giving Birth!
Put it this way..
After a couple’s first child, a woman will usually say, "Lets have a baby again!"
But show me a single man on this earth who will say…
"OK.. KICK MY BALLS AGAIN!

QUESTION: What did the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWER: Nothing, they have never met!!

SHANE MOSLEY: ‘I can knock PACQUIAO out with one punch!”
ALING DIONISIA: “SHANE on you! Everything you say about my son are MOSLEY lies!!”

WIFE: "ONE MORE WORD from you! ONE MORE!! And I’m going back to my mother’s house! That’s a promise!"
HUSBAND: “…….Taxi?”

QUESTION: Why isn’t 69 the number 69 anymore?
?
?
?
?
?
ANSWER: Because now there’s a VAT on everything you eat!

Ponder on this:
”If you died from MASTURBATING, would they say that you died by your own hand?" :P

Boy came home after school and he was upset. His dad asked what was the reason.
He replied, "My teacher pointed at me with a ruler and said, ‘at the end of this ruler is an idiot…’ and I was punished after asking…
‘WHICH END?’"

What is so special in LOVE?
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing Special!
Just Two Vowels, Two Consonants, and Two Fools!

"Doctor, doctor…
I have fifty nine seconds to live!"

DOCTOR: "Wait a minute will ya!"

If love is blind…
Why are lingeries so popular?

A stewardess was getting annoyed by three kids. They had been bugging her since take-off., complaining they were hungry, bored, thirsty, needed to go the bathroom and whatever else one could imagine a child commenting and complaining about.
She had had enough that she told them to go and play outside.

 

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

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