SMS Jokes 2011-204

Modernong Talasalitaan
Indirect Bribery:
Ang pagnanakaw ng mahigit tatlong daang milyong piso mula sa kaban ng bayan. See "plunder."
Plunder: Wala nang gano’n. Hindi na uso ‘yan. Kapag nagnakaw ka ng limampung milyong piso o higit pa mula sa kaban ng bayan, ibalik mo lang ang kalahati at ayos ng ang buto-buto. See "indirect bribery."

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Imagine living with three wives in the same compound and never leaving the villa for five years!
Maybe Osama himself called the U. S. Navy SEALS!

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WIFE: "Nanaginip ako na nago-auction daw sila ng titi. Ang malalaki P1,000.00, ang makakapal P2,000.00.
HUSBAND:"Magkano yong parang sa akin?"
WIFE (ngumingisi):"Pinamimigay lang nila."
HUSBAND (gaganti): Ako rin nanaginip.. nago-auction sila ng pekpek.. Yong magaganda P10,000.00, pag-masikip P20,000.00."
WIFE: "Talaga? Eh, magkano yong sa akin?"
HUSBAND: "Doon ginanap ang auction!" Hahahaha!!! Sobra na luwang.

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After experiencing the discomfort & embarrassment of a prostate test in the US, my friend decided to have his next test made in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentle & accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed & the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven’t got an erection" said the man.
"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

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BOY: “Hubad tayo.”
GIRL: “Ayoko nga noh.”
BOY: “Sige na!”
GIRL: “Oh sige na nga.”
BOY: “You muna.”
GIRL: “No, kaw muna.”
BOY: “Ok sabay na lng tayo, 1, 2, 3, Huuubbaaadd!
After a while…
BOY: What’s that?!?!?
GIRL: “Well just like yours fafa.”

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"Ang PRIDE parang PANTY, kung hindi Mo Ibababa walang mangyayari."

:P -VERY INSPIRING-

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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party
everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long.
The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions & my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

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APO asks his lolo: “What are you reading?”
LOLO: “A History book.”
APO: “Di ba sex book yan?”
LOLO: “At my age, this is history!”
”There is an APPOINTED TIME for EVERYTHING. Ec3:1-8”

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A boy and girlfriend at a shop. Girlfriend saw a pair of shoes and asked for its price.
The shopkeeper replied, "P3,500."
Girl said, "Isn’t that a good buy?"
The boy said, "Yes, good bye!"

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QUOTE:
"I took my friend’s sister out dancing. After a pleasant night I was kissing her goodnight, when she crossed her legs and broke my glasses." – Anonymous

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A couple making love in the living room.
He says, "You’re dry tonight."
She says, "You are licking the rug."

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QUESTION: How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
ANSWER: Right before the pump turns off, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!

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A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any condoms with pesticide?"
With a confused look, the pharmacist said, "Don’t you mean spermicide?"
"Oh, no,"
the man said, "I meant pesticide, my wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it!"

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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing each other for months. After inquiring each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
"Oh! He died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a stroke and dropped dead in the middle of the veggie patch!"
"Oh dear! I’m very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!"

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QUESTION: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
ANSWER: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!

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TRIVIA:
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

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** All of the above SMS courtesy of Mike.

JUAN: “Ang awit kong eto ay taos-puso kong hinahandog sa aking biyenan.”
DJ: “Mukhang love mo biyenan mo, anong kakantahin mo?”
JUAN: “DEVIL WOMAN po!”

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Use anyhow and anyone in a sentence.
SAGOT: “Pambihira naman, sinong kumain ng anyhow na anyone ko sa mesa?!”

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GURO:”Class tayo ay galing kay Adam & Eve!”
JUAN:”Mam bkit sabi po ng itay ko galing tayo s monkey?”
GURO:”Di natin pinag-uusapan ang family nyo!”

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Paano sasabihin na me kulangot ang tao na di sya mao-offend?
SAGOT: “Miss nunal b yan?”
PAG HINAWAKAN: “Wow galing ng nunal ADJUSTABLE!”

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AHAS1: “Pare totoo bang nkakamatay ang kmandag natin?”
AHAS2: “Ewan ko! Bkit mo nman naitanong?”
AHAS1: “Kinakabahan ako kc nakagat ko yung dila ko!”

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